Porn Realities

Porn...from pubescent teens to perverted singles to married men to, well, every man really....everyone loves porn. It is why we have rule 34. But you face quite a different reality when you join up on some alcohol-fuelled impulse...

why does the male porn-star in that have boobs like the women? Look at his chest and tell me those aren't boobs!

It really is

Just The Facts

  1. DISCLAIMER: Before we get any further, I'd like to say I'm not a sexist or anything like that
  2. I'd also like to show you that it is possible to be really out of line and inappropriate...I'm like this in real life...and do not take responsibility for any injury or Grand-parents having strokes at the level of filth which is only comparable to an open sewer.
  3. I'd also like to say that I do not in any way promote Grannies having sex in any way at all (this will become apparant later)
  4. And that this segment doesn't contain any facts about pornography in it.
  5. But let's face it, lads, you don't need to be an expert to figure out porno facts...do you?
  6. So...brace yourself.

PORN! An introduction

Porn...It controlled my life, and still does.

We see these big breasted, tight as hell attractive women, who are hammered more or less constantly, and seem to be teetering on an orgasm at all times. It looks quite a nice life.

And the men who they have sex with? Have you seen those men? JESUS!

The men relate to my theory about why British music is the best music in the world. The reason for this is that unlike American Bands, they cannot rely on their looks to get girls. Oasis? My GOD! If I drew a smiley face on my testicles they'd be considered more attractive. But, my testicles, however pretty they are, cannot play the guitar. For the men in Pornography, they usually have horrid faces, looking like they'd been hit in the face with a shotgun, yet they literally fuck more pussy than they can shake their shrunken maggot of a penis at.

I saw one guy in a porn series who I kid you not looked like Bugs Bunny, yet he stars in a film continuum of which he shags like a rabbit (no pun intended).

Basically, porn is your ticket to getting free glorious vagina screwing whilst looking like Lyle Lovett is licking the piss off of a stinging nettle, or poison ivy.

In short, for most people going into the porn industry it is an easy way to get mass levels of pay by lying down on a comfy bed getting hand-jobs from attractive women who border milf, and end up with fame, fortune, and women due to your pornography actor status all for, as a man, being moderately fat whilst looking like a bulldog chewing mayonnaise out of Mother Teresa's anus.

What could possibly be so bad about that?

Porn...a business reality

I'll tell you. Being me, I've never had much success with women, or girls...the only person I've ever loved is considered off limits, and society frowns on my love for this 8-year old girl.

Well, for starters, the women are more like loose slopping pails than tight and moist, when you are banging that pussy you can feel the man-cum inside of her...you can just feel it against your penis head, actually scratch that you can smell the man-jizz on her before you even go into the same room as her and by shaking her hand you can actually contract AIDs from it. You can smell the last prick which probed her anus as well. In short, your tight milf hottie is more of a let down in real life than from the camera.

Another reality is the idea of being able to watch your finished movie...now I don't know about the rest of you but I couldn't watch porn which was starring me...I certainly couldn't masturbate over the porn either, it feels wrong.

And why do women shave their vaginas now? Like some sort of paedophile realisation...I like it, but I think of school girls...which is normal for a 20-summit year old (...why did I just type that?) but I grew up with my dad's porn stash, with the women having bushes, looking like they had Jeremy Clarksons head for pubics, or a mini Brian Blessed in their pants. Now they shave them, it throws me and most men over 40 off-guard...making us feel like some sort of dirty paedophiles, a case of "yes officer it's my right to walk outside in only underwear, no it's not my fault I live by a school"

And the beds? damn, I've cut myself on a broken spring more times than I remember. Comfy, my ass!

And for minimum wage? Well, it's better than being a cleaner, I guess. Then again, as a cleaner, I don't put myself at risk of getting syphyllis or crabs or AIDs, except for that one place I went to, but it was Chlamydia I got so it doesn't count.

In short, the women end up stretched, slopping pales of their former selves stinking of man jizz with 17 children you don't know who they belong to (possibly old men) and having to support these children on minimum wage, whilst the guys end up with several different kinds of diseases, their penises with a pernament rash from the level of sex and a sudden realisation of being gay due to seeing so much pussy you end up emotionally scarred for life with pussy-o-phobia. (That doesn't really exist...and I'm not sure it's possible to develop a fear OF vaginas...unless your mother was a REAL bull-dyke).

Granny Porn

Now, don't knock it until you've seen it.

I'll be sitting at home watching pornography with busty women in their late teens, early 20's and as a moderately plump man I just feel...dirty, I can't look at myself in the mirror. (And if I do I lose my erection immediately).

Granny porn changes that. Hip replacement scars and the ability to do keepy-ups with her boobs and suddenly a guy can feel respectable again.

From this perspective, I feel porn realities are different for people who partake in granny porn than real porn. I like to think as oppose to a job for young porn stars it's more of a nice day out for the grannies with a cup of tea and a biscuit at the end of it all. I'd also imagine that they are nicer than the younger ones...if I approached a porn star in the street and said that I've seen her in something...cum guzzling sluts 3, for example I'd imagine that she'd be quite snooty and mean about it. If I did the same to a granny then I'd imagine she'd be a lot nicer, she'd knit me a nice little jumper or tea-cosy for the DVD case.

Because old people just don't care...they come from that war-time generation who grew up on spam and the Blitz and the threats of Nuclear War, that kind of thing. The type of generation which could survive chronic heart disease, type 2 diabetes and terminal cancer FOR 15 F*CKING YEARS AND SPEND YOUR INHERITANCE ON STUPID THINGS (but I'm not bitter about that, auntie).

I saw a porno where there was an old woman on top, which was quite worrying because I was afraid she may fall off, but she lowered herself onto the shaft like someone getting into a hot bath, another one I saw had the old woman recieving anal...and her responses were just adorable...she made my heart melt. She went "ohh dear!"..."ohh dear!"...and then she went "ohh, smashing!". I LOL'D. My favourite moment was, if I had a Granny Porn desert island moment it would be this: A granny was giving a BJ to this young man, and midway through, she started playing a tune like a flute, and pretended to play this tune on this man's penis. Even now I'll occasionally chuckle to myself thinking about it.

Old people are in a stage of life where no-one cares about what they do, they don't worry about getting pregnant or anything like that, they just do it...and it's good fun for them.

4 Advantages to Porn in general

To conclude all I've said about porn and it's deep truths and etc, I'm going to sum up the top 4 reasons you should watch porn, and the advantages to watching porn as oppose to actual sex.

4. It's cheaper than Dating:

To go out with someone, you need to organise a date, time, venue (place to date) and all other stuff, If you take her to Chuck. E. Cheese, and it turns out she's dairy intolerant, you've ruined your day...and you're out of pocket! If it goes smoothly, and you go to 3rd base, you then need to get condoms - which make sex safe and less enjoyable for you. If you go without, or it breaks, then you run the risk of Herpes and nurturing an accidental child with expenses of �£60 000 to raise a child to 18 (It's why I've sponsored a child in Africa, it's a pound a week and they're usually dead at 5 anyways).

Porn is a nice trade off between it's free, quick to do, from your own home and feeling the pulsating warmth of a vagina. Quite frankly, I'd rather stay at home watching 2 attractive women doing it whilst I'm making love with Madam Palm and her 5 beautiful daughters (or masturbating to those less artistically-minded barbarians), as oppose to becoming bankrupt shooting my sticky white love piss into the mouth of an expecting girl, where I run the risk of her biting my penis by accident.

3. It's disease free!

Having sex in real life opens me to the risk of AIDs, Syphyllis, HIV, Crabs, Gonhorrea (or however you're meant to spell it - a nice twist on the punchline to the "What's yellow and Dangerous?" joke) and a host of diseases, such as swine flu or Hitler-itis.

Watching porn still gives me the pleasure of an orgasm, but I don't end up with any nasty disease, the only thing at risk from becoming ill is my computer (aka a computer virus to you lesser minded simpletons)

2. I don't get hurt!

I've only ever hurt myself twice whist watching porn before, one was when I'd not had the pleasure of masturbation for 5 weeks, and I knew there was a problem when my semen was yellow. As such I'd managed to develop an infection in my uretha, which was very sore and itchy for the next few days. The second time was when I'd accidentally stubbed my toe...I can't remember how I'd done it, but I'd stubbed my toe, which somehow ruins the enjoyment of porn.

These 2 events aside, I know I won't hurt myself watching pornography...there are some isolated cases of men ripping there foreskin by masturbating too hard, but that's rare.

In real life, if I perform BDSM and that sorta bondage stuff, I know it will end up in bruises, whip marks, cuts and a mobile phone set to vibrate lodged somewhere in my once virgin anus. At home, I can watch these sorts of things (and believe me, I will - for those who are interested, watch "Tokyo Gore Police" (even more disturbing than 2 girls 1 cup, which was somehow arousing)) but know that I won't have my ass tickle every time my mom tries to ring me (even more disturbing as I find the feeling quite erotic, and that's wrong because my mom is doing it)

1. No worries with foreplay

They take care of that in porn for you.

In real life you face a line of problems:

  • How do you kiss her? Do you kiss her like a friend or your aunt? Or do you kiss her with passion like your attractive aunt?
  • How do you pleasure her w/ mouth?
  • What sex moves are there?
  • Why do my fingers smell funny?

And so on...when you have these problems in sex, you constantly judge how good you are at making your sex any good. In porn, you concern yourself with No.1 and only No.1's pleasure. This is accomplished in two ways...you either watch porn or become a rapist, and the first option is legal.