Many men treat Megan Fox like she's the hottest thing to walk and simultaneously have two breasts. Luckily, the average Cracked reader knows this isn't true. I thus provide you with arsenal you need so you can TOTALLY prove it to that idiot who acts
Look, I know this may sound weird, but I have developed the uncanny ability to tell if a woman is nice or not based solely on their face. (I can also tell if a person has been lying simply by analyzing their breath after feeding them a Big Mac, but that's a far more interesting story.) As a high schooler, you can imagine that I've had to deal with my fair share of nice women and of completely bitchy women, and as such I've spent time observing them (for PURELY academic reasons, I can assure you).
However, after studying Megan Fox's features (again, strictly for academic reasons), I can totally tell she falls into the bitch category. Her face just SCREAMS, "I'm completely narcissistic and I think I'm the hottest person on Earth." (Before you tell me that's a redundancy, we must also agree on the fact that Megan Fox isn't that smart).
Something that will never be used to describe Megan Fox unless preceded by a "T &"
Don't believe me? Check out this overused photo.
Yes, that's right. There are women hotter than Megan Fox. Granted, Hayden probably slipped under your radar because the last thing you saw her in was Remember the Titans of the first season of Heroes, but in any case, it's very true.
If you're still not convinced, just look at this:
I'll let you "analyze" that picture before we move on.
Look, if overly used boobs were acting skills, Megan Fox would be taking home the Oscar every year.
See? HE'S not getting an erection.
But, unfortunately for her, Megan Fox's acting skills are very similar to what's in many men's pants: wooden.
A dick joke? WillGraham: Raising the bar for Cracked.com
And, much like unfunny articles, bad acting turns me off. (And if what I say is true, my libido's at an all-time low.) Ooh! Self-Deprecating Zing!
Your move, comment whores.
Look, we understand that she's got some "qualities" that make her attractive-
-but really, looking around the world, we've found plenty of women who are just as hot, and we believe that Megan Fox simply got lucky. That's our opinion anyway. (Editor's Note: Stop referring to yourself in plural, it's scary.) (Note to Editor: You can not control us).
Take this video. Now you may or may not consider me gay for liking this song (SPOILER ALERT: I'm not), but you have to agree that the singer's fiancée is pretty damn hot. I'd almost be jealous of him, except for the fact that he's Canadian. And then I feel better about myself.
Pepsi- Because we can kick Coke's ass.
This article is sponsored by Pepsi. Pepsi-Because Coke is for pussies However, the powers-that-be have decided that'd it be best for the image of the Pepsi Company Drink Pepsi Products- Because Mountain Dew's the shit to remind you that we're simply sponsoring this article because Coke (which is a gay drink, but not the FUN kind of gay, you know? Like the BAD kind of gay, the creepy kind from 1950s commercials that are really only gay because of their time in prison. I mean nothing's wrong with BEING gay, unless you're a soft drink like Coke, in which case it's wrong) wasn't.
However, we feel that we must say that we personally find this article shallow, sexist and against the core values of Pepsi Pepsi- Because Coke's a RACIST which includes fair treatment for women (unless you look in our corporate offices, lolz). Seriously though, we at Pepsi Drink Pepsi- Because our drinks NEVER contained cocaine value our secretaries and even take a sexual harassment case "seriously" once in a while.
Women- Because they look better with boobs than men.
Us here at Pepsi Quizno's- Because Subway sandwiches suck would understand perfectly if you stopped reading this and instead went out and bought a 12-pack of Mountain Dew: Live Wire Available for a limited time only. We say this because the rest of the article is even MORE shallow and sexist. Unlike Pepsi Available wherever shitty Coke products are sold.
Pepsi: Megan Fox may or may not like it, depending on your opinion of her.
As I've already mentioned to my one friend early in the morning when I'm the equivalent of drunk, Katy Perry is still hot despite her engagement to the most hideous English man on Earth-
That sound is the sound of a handful of dying boners. Only a handful because no one reads my articles.
He's like... Tim Burton's wet dream
Much like taxidermy, thinking Megan Fox is hot loses its potency when everyone does it.
So many perverts have used this to masturbate, it's starting to lose its charm.
Special DOUBLE section! O.O Consider your mind blown
Also, Penelope Cruz is an Academy Award winner. And Spanish. That makes her hotter by default, really.
There are limits to this rule, of course.
Plus, most teenagers said they'd rather go on a date with Megan Fox than Scarlett Johansson. And teenagers are stupid.
Yes, it's shallow and demeaning, but so is this entire article, so suck it up. I honestly didn't think it was a big deal. I thought wrong...
Imagine being touched all over.... (Shudders)
Emma Watson has it going better than Megan Fox in every way: She seems smart; she's talented; she's NOT a bitch; she's English; her thumbs are normal; she doesn't flaunt her body; and she can pull off long hair AND short hair. Really, there's not much of a better package than this unless she also fought ninjas. Of course, if that was true, then the world would explode from an OD in sheer badassery, which is now a word. I rest my case.
PPS This isn't a very funny article, so don't bitch about that, ok?