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Hawaii: There's a lot going on in Hawaii. Please donate to send me there so I can write about it.
If it weren't for the city council race in Hilo, I wouldn't bother.
Massachusetts: Actually, not much has happened since this past January, when Republican Scott Brown defeated HOLY CRAP MASSACHUSETTS ELECTED A REPUBLICAN TO THE SENATE.
Michigan: Michigan's economy has been depressed all decade. This makes it a trendsetter.
Minnesota: They elected Governor Jesse Ventura and Senator Al Franken. With any luck, this year we'll get Congressman Carrot Top.
The gentleman from Minnesota has the floor.
Mississippi: Not sure what's going on here, but it's fun to spell.
New Jersey: A lot of TV attention has been devoted to the situation in New Jersey recently.
Ohio: The senator from Ohio has announced that he is changing to become the senator from South Beach, which led to people burning his campaign signs- wait, maybe I'm thinking of someone else.
South Dakota: Wait, there's a South Dakota? Any other Dakotas we don't know about?
George W. Bush (Former President): Left a seven percent unemployment rate and $400 billion deficit for President Obama to deal with, which he solved by turning it into a ten percent unemployment rate and $1 trillion deficit.
Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State): Intra-party rival of President Obama's who he made Secretary of State. Has spent past year trying to convince him to send her on a diplomatic mission to Iowa and New Hampshire.
Bob Dole (Former Senator, R-Kansas): He actually hasn't done anything. I'm just impressed that he's still alive.
A grateful nation honors...wait, really? No kidding? Huh.
Alexi Giannoulias (Senate candidate, D-Illinois): The candidate with the most ridiculous name running this year.
John Hickenlooper (Governor candidate, D-Colorado): I stand corrected.
Basil Marceaux (Governor candidate, R-YouTube): Might have been the next governor of Tennessee if only he knew how to spell "vegetation".
Sarah Palin (Former governor, R-Alaska): The recent revelations about John Edwards make her the best vice presidential running mate of a Vietnam veteran named John in the past six years.
Hey, she was right about Levi.
Ron Paul (Congressman, R-4chan): Wait, the election isn't being held on the Internet? Never mind, then.
Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the House, D-California): Often accused by Republicans of indifference to the plight of small businesses. In her defense, she has shown as much emotion as her Botox allows her to.
Arlen Specter (Senator, D-Pennsylvania): Joined Democratic party when polls showed he would lose the Republican primary, then lost Democratic primary. Last seen drunk-dialing Libertarian Party headquarters in a Philadelphia bar.
If at first you don't succeed...
Betty White: The way her year's been going, she's bound to be elected to something.
Afghanistan has been in the news since Julian Assange of WikiLeaks leaked thousands of classified documents about the war. These documents supposedly implicate the Pentagon in civilian deaths, illegal assassinations, and international intrigue, but nothing that convinced Julian Assange that getting the Pentagon really, really angry at him isn't a good idea.
Corporate campaign financing: A recent Supreme Court decision gave corporations the right to spend money on political advertising. A bill to restrict this was proposed by Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-PepsiCo), but opposition led by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Walmart) derailed it.
Estate tax: If Congress doesn't act, the estate tax will go from zero to 55% on New Year's Day. If a bunch of rich people die mysteriously this December, now you know why.
August 30, 1930 - December 31, 2010
Federal Reserve: Apparently the Federal Reserve ate all of Ron Paul's children. This is the only reasonable explanation for his feelings on the topic.
Gay marriage: In a controversial decision, a federal judge in California ruled that no election season can go by without gay marriage coming up.
Health care: President Obama's health care plan has become unpopular, perhaps because it does not cover headaches developed from trying to understand it.
Immigration: Because no matter how bad conditions get in the United States, they will still be worse in Mexico.
Net neutrality: Advocates of net neutrality fear that the Internet will split into two versions, with the higher quality version being...(A complete explanation of net neutrality is available for only $4.99)
Stimulus: President Obama's stimulus package has proven controversial, but not as much as the last Democratic President's "stimulus package".
If elected to Congress, though, he wouldn't even make the top ten dumbest members.