John Wayne

John Wayne, you know who he is, you should know why you know who he is, if you don't, than on behalf of John Wayne I would like to say "read this article" there would also be some profanity thrown in.&

John in his natural environment

Just The Facts

  1. John Wayne was born Marion Mitchell Morrison in Winterset, Iowa.
  2. He was 6' 4" tall and weighed around 250 pounds.
  3. John Wayne HATED Communism.

John Wayne, an American badass.

John Wayne was, and in many ways still is the face of American entertainment. You see, John Wayne is more than a Man, more than an Actor, and more than an Airport. John Wayne is the embodyment of the "American Dream". John made a fortune starring in movies, married three different Latino women (Not at once, John didn't believe in Polygamy), smoked his way to an early grave, and had an Airport named after him. Now, if that's not the American dream, then I need to rethink my priorities. John Wayne was basically Captain America, only cooler, and MORE American, and I cannot overstate how American he was. John Wayne was more American than baseball, apple pie, Chinese food, and Chuck Norris. Combined.

John's early life was fairly typical, he went to college at Southern California, and was on scholorship to play football. Unfortunately John's Scholorship was taken from him after he sustained an injury while, you guessed it, surfing. Jesus Christ this guys cool, seriously? a surfing injury? that has to be one of the coolest ways you can get hurt, but his football coach (Howard Jones) was not as enthralled as I currently am, and Promptly took his scholorship away, forcing John to drop out of college. John then began working at film studios in the southern california area. Western film star Tom Nix (?) helped John get the job, John developed relationships with many prominent people in hollywood during his work in the studios.

Ok, I'll spare you the details and put this somewhat blatently. John Wayne got famous, and he did it pretty quickly. By the end of his career he had starred in 142 movies, yes, mind boggling no? Your run of the mill Brad Pitt has only been in around 34 movies, that's the kind of fame we're dealing with here folks. Now, starring in movies is pretty impressive, but the one thing that is really fucking awesome about John Wayne is that he was very vocal about his hatred about Communism, but wait, that's not the awesome part. Joseph Stalin, (you know, the Hitler-esq fellow that dictated The Soviet Union for all those years) actually ordered for John Wayne's assassination, now that's what I call an Icon. Someone that's so obviously awesome that our worst enemy at the time felt the need to kill him. Damn. Unfortunately for Mother Russia, Stalin died before this could be accomplished, meaning that Stalin would be rolling over in his grave while John Wayne was still slanderizing his country. Take that commie bastard!

Ok, we knew this part was coming, and it will be as hard for you to read as it was for me to type. On June 11th, 1979, John Wayne died from stomach cancer, effectively defeating the Russians in the "Kill John Wayne" race. Too soon? regardless, John Wayne's death was bitter sweet in the fact that we may no longer have John Wayne with us, but we do get a shiney new John Wayne statue! (The pigeons like the new John better)

Fuck Yes.

The "John Wayne" effect

Ok, so knowing now about the awesomeness of John Wayne, I'm sure you're expecting a ton of amazing things that have spawned from John's amazingness, and you would be correct. The first thing being the John Wayne cancer institute. OK, no jokes here fellows, cancer is one of the top things that the world would be better without (number one thing being baconnaise)

"An alternative to suicide"

Another great thing bestowed upon us by John's existence is The John Wayne Birthplace Society. While I'm slightly more skeptical about how much good this society can do for the world compared to the last one, I'm not skeptical about how much John Wayne shit you can get for purchasing a membership (The 12"x16" color print of John Wayne is worth dishing out $100, Trust me)

My lack of dedication to this article yields you only the top half of the print

The last effect on the world that John had isn't a society, or a movement, or even a facebook group (Please join). What John Wayne did for society was more important than anything mentioned thus far, and anything that could be. John Wayne made western movies semi-watchable, and by God that is the truth. If you've managed to stay awake during a western, it's almost certainly because John Wayne was in it, probably performing some unspeakable act of badassery. We as a society owe a collective thanks to him for making some of these Godforsaken movies slightly entertaining. God bless you, John Wayne.