The Emperor

There are many sorts of emperors in the world. But honestly, have you ever met one you really liked? I mean come on, Caligula? Dick. Kuzco? He tried to level a village. Palpatine? Purple lightining was never followed by anything pleasant.

Also how he cooked hot dogs in college.

Just The Facts

  1. First off, who the hell would put a giant empire with legions of soldiers in the hands of a single lunatic? I'm looking at you Rome.
  2. Power corrupts. How long does it take to figure that out? One, maybe two assholes in charge and you would think that people would catch on.
  3. The Athenians created democracy waaaay back. perhaps after overthrowing dictatorship after tyrannical dictatorship, you'd think most people would get bored and try to mix it up a little. Maybe throw in an oligarchical system of government just for shits and giggles.

Want to become an emperor?

We can help.

Step 1. Move to a small, eastern european country, the kind that no one can pronounce. They tend to be rather politically unstable from time to time.

Step 2. Cozy up the the aforementioned politically unstable government and work your way up the ranks. Perhaps start as a lowly intern, moving up until you reach the status of trusted advisor.

Step 3. Here it gets a little tricky, you have two options. Either bribe the top military officials to get them on board, or convince the rest of the cabinet that their beloved leader is a backstabbing, lying traitor.

Step 4. Stab the shit out of your boss.

Step 5. Spring your plan, vowing to find the evil bastard who killed him, and go on a political crusade blaming everyone and anyone who doesn't agree with you.

Step 6. Sit back and enjoy the life of luxury, opulence, and uncontrollable madness and paranoia that haunts every great Emperor!

Congratulations!!!!! You are now the most feared, hated, and in your own mind, respected person in your little corner of hell! Enjoy it while you can, you'll probably be murdered to the relief of the entire populace within the month!