Juggalos somehow manage to be the most hated product of Detroit. With hard work, dedication, and a few extra chromosomes, one group of losers has risen above the rest in an entire city of losers. This year, they bring you a concert of a lifetime.
To protect your sensitive brain cells, we've taken it upon our sanity to watch this seventeen minute infomercial and deconstruct it, so that you, the reader, can know the horror without actually knowing the horror.
0:05 - Uniqueness, you know it's good when the announcer uses the same choice of words as your dermatologist when describing the mole on your back that they, "just need to get a look at".
0:11 - Surprisingly, BP didn't step in to sponsor this as their next public relations disaster.
0:13 - The CGI Insane Clown Posse logo shows up, this is the first of many, many times we see this over a seventeen minute span.
0:22 - Hopefully they have "Clownin' Around in the Corporate World" this year, because we've been wondering where it is you're supposed to put your clown name on your business card.
It can make or break careers in clowning.
0:34 - This might just be wishful thinking, but 'magic' sounds like a euphemism for a mix of DDT and Agent Orange.
0:46 - This is shaping up to be the most effective anti-goatee/pro-dental hygiene PSA th world has ever seen.
0:47 - It's a shame there's no corporate sponsorship, because Trojan just missed a great opportunity to benefit mankind.
0:52 - Our faith in God is again shaken, as our prayers yet again go unanswered.
0:54 - The logo appears again. (2)
0:55-0:56 - Our faith is restored, when, in a split second, the trees behind the car have been decimated, evidencing that the 'magic' really is what we believed it to be.
1:00 - We meet DJ Clay, Awesome Dre and Sugar
Crisp Slam. If you've been following along with the video, you'll see that all races are equally represented/shamed.
1:04 - In case you got brain damage in the last ten seconds, the logo appears again... (3)
1:13 - ...and again. (4)
1:18 - An ode to the Wild, Wild, West? They already have the high rates of illiteracy and syphilis, so it's kind-of a no-brainer.
1:33 - "Framily"
1:42 - We're sure it's been said, but whenever we see Violent J, all we see is Uncle Kracker.
1:5? - We watched Twizted's clips several times, and, out of mercy, our brains have just refused to allow it to be processed. All we know is there's a white guy with hair like Coolio's in 1996.
2:05 - Dark Lotus is apparently so good they don't need a promotional video for the infomercial. Sub-bootleg quality concert footage is definitely the way to go, because when you can't hear anything at all, you especially can't hear the sucking.
2:16 - If you turn your attention away from DJ Clay's magnificent usage of simile (poppin' off like a shotty!), you might notice that their car is on the wrong side of the road. We can only pray that this detail is extremely relevant in the accident report.
2:20 - We can't tell what's more grating, Sugar Slam's echolalia, or the fact that the Psychopathic Rydas is made up of white tools who covered themselves with bandannas and sunglasses to look like the Invisible Man in South Central.
2:31 - Apparently Sting from the WWF is in jail with a black man. We can only insinuate from the makeup smeared on the pillow which one of them is the bitch.
2:43 - Gene Simmons attempted to sue King Diamond for ripping off Gene's signature facepaint, but this Toby Keith-looking motherfucker walks off scot-free?
2:48 - We can't tell, but is the woman crying because she's mourning a loved one, or because that loved one's service is being ruined by a goddamn clown in a cowboy hat?
2:58 - Wordmasters, anyone? Boondox : Toby Keith/King Diamond :: Anybody Killa : B-Rad Gluckman/Michale Graves. Google it.
3:16 - Something about this group tells us that they're 'ghetto'. And it's not just because he sounds like he's ripping off old Tupac songs.
3:36 - They must've paid a lot for that logo/animation, because they are de-fucking-termined to get their money's worth. (5)
3:42 - What we would give to be a fly on the wall when deep-voiced announcer guy was given his script to read from.
3:44-4:00 - Rap acts who haven't made a relevant song since the 90s, as evidenced by their music videos.
4:30 - Remember in Freddy Got Fingered, when Tom Green grabbed a horse's erect penis and you thought to yourself, "wow, this guy simply cannot sink any lower in terms of self-respect"? Looks like you were wrong.
4:40 - Because it's never a comedy show without Gallagher. It must feel good for him to be performing a thirty(-plus) year old act for a crowd of hillbillies and wiggers that idolize grown men who dress up like rapping versions of Pennywise.
5:00 - Ron Jeremy. Ron. Fucking. Jeremy. He's so funny that they're cracking up just thinking about all his awesomely unbelievably funny pee-pee jokes.
5:29 - "You may know them from that Cyprus Hill concert when your friend said, 'hey, we better get a move on, the concert's starting soon' and you replied, 'who's opening?' and he went, 'Kottonmouth Kings.' and you made sure to get there fifteen minutes after Cyprus Hill started just to make sure you missed them."
6:12 - Logo sighting. (6)
6:20 - In case you're wondering, they're in Vegas so DJ Clay can get his allowance for the concert from his mom, who works as a table dancer right off the Strip.
6:48 - From the back seat, Awesome Dre rubs his hands together, contemplating smacking the mouthy bitch in front for taking his seat when he clearly called shotgun.
6:50 - Logo sighting. (7)
7:07 - For someone who claims to be of the female persuasion, she certainly mentions it a lot more than most. Methinks the lady doth protest if there beith a lack of duct tape. For thine's swinging genitals.
7:16 - Lil V may be "her girl", but the real mystery is that of "her father". Get it? They're careless parents.
7:29 - Oh! She must be there to fulfill the prophecy made earlier.
7:48 - Also known as her "Can't Get a Decent Job Out of Prison" tour.
8:07 - Logo swoop. (8)
8:10 - Logo swoop. (Note, if you were playing a drinking game during this, you are now legally dead.) (9)
8:23 - We hope that before the end, Afroman gets into a three-way battle with ICP and Kottonmouth Kings over who the worst novelty act of all-time is. Whomever wins, we all lose. Unless they all die.
8:35 - Wait, Coolio is there and these assholes didn't even show his name to clarify that they didn't just say Julio? Or maybe the guy who did the theme song for Keenan and Kel had too much self-respect to put his name in print for this infomercial. We're leaning on the latter.
8:43 - "Big B"? What's the B stand for, uh, Boogers or somethin'?
8:54 - Logo swoop. (Note: it took me three tries to get the time right on that one, I fear the brain damage from exposure to this may be more severe than previously thought, and I worry it may be irreversible). (10)
9:00 - Something tells us that these three didn't have a Bill Hicks-type experience at this Waffle House.
9:08 - Awesome Dre should be hearing from David Caruso's lawyers within the next week.
9:23 - "Please all people, why haven't I thought of that? That will be a challenge!" We're sorry to all you non-Bill Hicks fans, but we feel the need to inject some voice of logic and compassion to balance out the draining wail that is our dying brain cells as we watch.
9:39 - Logo swoop. (11)
10:17 - Or as he's known on Skid Row, Rob Basehead. For a rapper, he's more into "rock", if you catch my drift. Hard times for all. (These comments have not been verified for accuracy)
10:31 - They originally wanted Commandant Spangler for the music video, but figured with an eye patch on they couldn't tell the difference. Flawless logic.
10:48 - Logo swoop. (12)
10:50 - "Slip 'n Slides, fresh and exciting since nineteen motherfucking fifty-two."
10:53 - Fizz-uck?
11:00 - Helicopter rides, carnival rides, midway games and seminars? Fresh and exciting must be Juggalo for "shit we stole from some fair in New Hampshire".
11:04 - Logo swoop. (13)
11:16 - Poor Vanilla Ice, doing the country-fair circuit ever since he developed that fear of tall buildings and being dangled out them. At least he'll feel at home with thousands of other wannabe thugs. Wait, wasn't ICP's whole beef with Eminem about how he was a phony?
11:37 - Speaking of Spike TV, will 1000 Ways to Die will be there to document "music-related neurological failure"? Supposedly it's more common than previously thought, especially at ICP concerts.
11:52 - Logo swish. (14)
12:01 - We can only pray that this combination of hillbillies, hatchets, and an endless stream of bubbles ends hilariously.
12:08 - Fun Fact: Awesome Dre's favorite Watchman is Night Owl.
12:12 - In a day and age where everybody's heard the Urban Legend about that guy who picked up a hitchhiker who chopped up him and his family, the prospective hitchhiker may want to refrain from using the logo of a man with a butcher's knife on his sign. And wouldn't it be easier to just write where he's going?
12:26 - JCW... JCW... uh, Jews Can't Win? Damn, we're on roll with these abbreviations today.
12:55 - Logo swash. (15)
12:57 - Wait, the championship wrestler doesn't have his own ride to this thing? And we thought the WWE shafted it's performers.
13:00 - Col. Champaroo lists the wrasslers, from Chair-Murderin' Larry, to the likes of Bearded Joe, Chocolate Puddin' in Spandex, uh, Todd Bridges in a hat, Keith Luke with Boxing Gloves on for some reason even though it's a goddamn wrestling event not a boxing match, Muscley Jar-Jar, Christopher "Fingerbang" Walken, Christopher "Fingerbang" Walken (apparently the tape skipped), Ronald the Leathervested Pantsless Rancher, Mortal Kombat Cosplay Fanatic, Snaps MacKenzie, The Human GI Joe Doll, Overdressed Green Douche.
13:49 - "It's so crazy because we're able to pretend to hit each other much better when it's darker and you can't see us blatantly not landing punches!"
14:00 - "We've got nineteen big-name guys, none of whom have adequate health insurance, who we're making fight despite their poor health due to living terrible lifestyles for the entertainment of mongoloids!"
14:20 - Logo swalp. (16)
14:35 - Sure, you could go to SXSW, see "American: The Bill Hicks Story" for the one time that they show it in America before, ironically, it goes off to the UK to tour for the next six months. Or, you can go to Gathering of the Juggalos and see Big Money Rustlas before you're able to pick it up in the Bargain Bin at Ocean State Job Lot. Your choice.
14:50 - Over ten years? That's longer than Duke Nukem Forever. Unfortunately, ICP didn't take a page from 3D Realms and just pull the plug on the thing.
14:54 - Yes, it certainly is "credible", isn't it?
14:55 - Logo shap. (17)
15:02 - 1837, eh? Well ye best be prepared for some historical accuracy, as only high school dropouts who dress as clowns can provide.
15:12 - Inaccuracy #1: The African American in the background is not being beaten, as was the law in 1837.
15:14 - Inaccuracy #2: Records weren't in use until 1888, in 1837 there were no record players around to be scratched.
15:25 - Seriously, Gene Simmons? You're really going to let them get away with them besmirching your good facepaint like that?
15:27 - Does anybody in this movie ever ask why these people have face paint on, or is that just considered normal in a time and place where people urinated on eachother to cure gonorrhea?
15:45 - Inaccuracy #3: During a time in which the Mexican government was with in open conflict with Texan colonists, the idea of a Mexican national working in a jailhouse is absurd.
15:50 - Inaccuracy #4: In one shot, the beer bottle used for target practice is green, yet in the next, it's brown.
15:58 - Inaccuracy #5: The AK-47 wasn't- eh, fuck it.
16:00 - If you turn the volume down low enough, you can hear hundreds of aspiring screenwriters offing themselves as they realize it just isn't worth the effort anymore.
16:50 - Logo fuck. (17)
17:02 - "The greatest time you motherfucker will ever have"? Apparently the guy writing the lines for the announcer saw the movie too, and just stopped trying as well.
17:11 - No corporate sponsorship?
17:13 - Logo again. (18)
Aaaand we made it. Though the achievement has the same feeling as if we got drunk enough to impregnate a horse. We have significantly fewer brain cells and we're too embarrassed we spent our time this way to brag to anybody.