John Lennon

John Lennon, was a songwriter, activist and Harry Potter look alike, who became a driving force in the most successful band of all time: The Beatles.

Most people dont know that Harry Potter is the son of John Lennon and Jesus

Just The Facts

  1. John Lennon was a succesful solo artist, founding member of the Plastic Ono Band and also a guitarist/ songwriter in a small indie band called The Beatles.
  2. Along with Beatles bandmates, Paul Mccartney and George Harrison, Lennon led the Beatles to become the most successful band of all time,to date selling 1 billion albums. Ringo Starr also apparently contributed in some way though how and to what extent are still unknown.
  3. Accolades include: being half of the most successful songwriting team in history, (Lennon-Mccartney), numerous awards and honors, and working with the magical conductor from Thomas the Train engine(see Ringo Starr).
  4. Once at a Beatles meeting, Lennon claimed he was Jesus, a fact disproven when he was shot and killed in 1980.

With The Beatles

After meeting Paul Mccartney in 1957, John Lennon formed The Beatles, a sort of 60's version of the Jonas Brothers except with musical talent and testicles.

Not Pictured: Testicles

After having hit singles in Britian, aka funny accent land, The Beatles broke into the American music scene with their first U.S. number 1 , "I Want To Hold Your Hand". In addition to this, the Beatles made their American television premiere on the Ed Sullivan show, to an audience of 73 million people, a feat made all the more impressive when you realize that many people in the 60's still believed the television was the devil's picture box. The press soon dubbed the ensuing syncronished panty wetting of teenage girls as "Beatlemania", and the group became the biggest thing since sliced bread....Literally. Amidst the furor of "Beatlemania" Lennon managed to find time between having sex with groupies and having sex with prostitutes, in order to write two books and star by himself in the film "How I Won The War". The band would continue to have massive hit songs and albums throughout the 60's until their breakup in 1970, following Lennons contraction of a rare Japanese parasite commonly referred to as Yoko Ono.

A Rare shot of the Ono parasite in its natural enviornment.

Solo Career

After the breakup of The Beatles, Lennon began a sporadically successful solo career. His first album John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band, was created as a result of Lennon's partaking in Primal Scream Therapy, a form of therapy based on reliving painful past experiences in order to breakthrough the pain, much like any teenage WoW players future high school reunion. Though the album received a critical BJ for its brutal honesty and subject matter (parental abandonment, poltical disenfranchisement, and we'll just throw masturbation in there too.... its always masturbation.), most fans of the former Beatle were left confused by his new attitude. His follow up, Imagine, became his most beloved solo album as it softened John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band's harshness, and contained the anthemic title single Imagine....or so thats what people tell me. Meanwhile things between Lennon and his parasite, wife Yoko Ono, were begining to fall apart, and Ono would soon seperate from Lennon, during a time that he would dub his "Lost Weekend". During this "Lost Weekend",what he considered one of the lowest periods of his life, Lennon would record a number 1 album (Walls and Bridges), hangout with Bob Dylan and former Beatle George Harrison, and join in a cocaine fueled jam session with Stevie Wonder and Paul Mccartney, putting to shame that time your friends tried to get you over your ex by smoking weed and watching a 48 hour Spongebob marathon.

Your weed smoking has made Spongebob Emo now...nice job dumbass

After returning home to Ono, Lennon took a temporary hiatus from the music business, in order to become a househusband and raise his newborn son, Sean. He would not return to the public eye for another five years until being inspired by former bandmate Paul Mccartney's song, "Coming Up". Lennon returned to the studio in early 1980 to record his final album "Double Fantasy", three weeks later, on December 8th 1980, Lennon would be gunned down outside of his NYC apartment(The same apartment where Rosemary's Baby was filmed)by a crazed fan, Mark David Chapman.

Political Activism

Leading up to and after the Beatles breakup, Lennon became just as known for his poltical statements as his musical talents. As a famous rockstar/millionare, Lennon decided that giving money to charity would be to cliche and instead decided to do something really useful and lay in bed all day with his wife.In what was soon dubbed the Bed-in for Peace, the press descended upon Lennon and Ono expecting to see a husband and wife performing some disturbing sexual act, and were extremely disappointed to find them simply lying in bed. This brings to mind one simple question: "Why the fuck would anyone want to see Yoko Ono doing anything resembling sex?". In addition to laying around all day, Lennon took part in many peace rallies, and soon became friends with many 70's radicals including Abbie Hoffman, more commonly known today as the Flag Shirt Guy from Forrest Gump.

Momma always said...wait why the fuck is he wearing a flag?

All this peace talk eventually caught the attention of the Nixon administration and Lennon soon found himself a subject of frequent FBI wiretaps and tailings. After Lennons death, many conspiracy theories arose, including one in which the FBI killed Lennon in order to keep him from revealing that Elvis shot Tupac while faking the moon landing in Area 51.