Wal-Mart Shoppers

If you've ever been in a Wal-Mart store, you'll automatically know why a Cracked topic is necessary to describe their plethora of weirdo shoppers.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||naviga

She better be searching for a place to plug in the scooter. God forbid the batteries run out.

Why settle for 2 when you can have FOUR!!!!

Just The Facts

  1. The freaks come out after 10 p.m.
  2. Coincidentally, that's when all of the cashiers appear to go home as well, so you'll be stuck in a line behind two furries getting it on and and a Ted Danson impersonator riding a goat.
  3. When someone walks into a Wal-Mart, they automatically stand in your way, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or blood alcohol level.
  4. Seriously, get the fuck out of the way.

Habitat

Generally, The walmart population does not exit their living quarters. Their cave provides the much needed darkness for nocturnal life. They only seem to exit when they "run out of toilet paper" or need to "get some more tanktops that fit them as well as spandex on Richard Simmons." This time usually spans between 10 and 4 in the morning. At the time when most people are sleeping snugly in their beds, these creatures are getting their quick fix. After seeing one, the best idea is to run, run as fast as you can, especially if they are buying condoms. You don't want them getting any ideas. If this is impossible to do, go to the nearest bathroom and hide in a stall. There is usually some great reading material, even if it is plagued with gay and racists comments, and dicks. Lots of them.

Taxonomy

If you ask anyone on the street, they could immediately describe to you at least half of these human subspecies off the top of their heads. Here is a clear, but probably not fully complete, list of annoyances you'll find in your local Wal-Mart.

The Post - This is the most common type of person you'll find in Wal-Mart, and seems to consist of everyone but yourself. The name is given because they stand in your way, and they are completely immovable unless you unrooted them out of the ground like a post. Your pleas of "Excuse me" and "Move bitch, get out the way" will not work until they find the product that they're looking for in the wrong place.

The Blockade - A group of posts that blocks off an entire aisle, sometimes becoming so large that they can block off the big section in front of the registers. Blockades are interesting in that they can be formed with as little as two posts, dependent on how ignorantly they position their shopping carts.

The Hutt - Everyone reading that has also seen Return of the Jedi automatically knows what this refers to without further explanation, but it's too fun to not provide it. This is a person that can single-handedly block off an entire aisle by themselves. You will commonly see them riding their small transport vehicles, commonly referred to as rascals. These carts usually break down after hauling the immense load no more than 50 ft., and then proceed to further ruin you shopping experience by emitting a loud, annoying beep. Little is known about why they do this, but it is likely that they are crying for you to put them out of their miseries from the four gallons of ass sweat that just rained on them.

The Sloth - Like a Hutt, these people ride around on the rascals (or "Fat Carts" as they are also called). However, they are not fat, injured, amputees, pregnant, or any portion or combination of the four. They ride them purely because they are lazy assholes.

The Trailer - This term is to be used to describe a person that has literally attached a hitch to your ass and that you are apparently towing around the store. They will follow so closely that sometimes your feet will fall victim to their shopping carts lower platform.

The Barry Sanders - This is used to describe a shopper that will play a 20 minute game of "Let's Juke Each Other Because I Don't Know How to Walk." You will encounter one of these for every five minutes spent in Wal-Mart.

The Shameless - This is used to describe someone who you'll see on peopleofwalmart.com. These people have no class or taste in clothing. If you've ever seen brief nudity, extended nudity, or anything else that has made you stare at a person for several hours, they were defintely Shameless.