Ah, the big D. No, pervert, the other big D. NO, NOT DILDOS EITHER! Death! Death! We are talking about dying here, okay!? You're going to do it someday, unless Japan figures out a work-around hack.

The bar is set, Internet. Can any of you end up with cooler tombstones?

I have no idea what the point was behind these past 88 years. Just...not even a clue.


Just The Facts

  1. Death is like sleeping, except you're dead, so... shit.
  2. Some people think death is a transition into another type of existence.
  3. Other people think death is the end of all awareness.
  4. Still other people think death is a killer metal band.

Am I Dying?

Yes. You're dying. This very moment, your cells are diminishing in functionality. Over time, they will gradually cease to function altogether. That is, assuming you are not mauled by a bear, gored by a rhino, or run over by the monster truck Gravedigger on your way to work. Yeah...maybe you should quit your job. Just start staying around the house more. Closer to the guns.

Or, maybe you could come to peace with the fact that you're gonna bite it one day. But really, the argument for automatic firearms, against tranquil enlightenment pretty much makes itself.

It doesn't?

How about now?

Am I Dead?

This is a more common question than you would think, so here is a helpful flow chart to aid in making that determination:

Can Death Be Prevented?

What are you, some kind of extremely obtuse, reality-phobic sissy? No! Have you paid no attention whatsoever to any of the above statements? Okay, we'll spell it out for you one last time:

  • Your body is made of fail.
  • Even if you eat healthy and exercise, you will only delay the inevitable.
  • You should probably do that anyway if you want to 'not be a slob' while alive.
  • Various terrifying things are lurking around every corner, waiting to kill you.
  • There is absolutely no escape.
  • But maybe there's a mysteeeeeeerious spirit world into which you will egress.
  • Hopefully there's cake.

Or at least continues.