New Hampshire

New Hampshire: 9th state ratified in the Union. It has a rich cultural underground, luscious scenery and is brewing the next greatest philosophical movement since the Enlightenment. Not really... But we could seriously use some tourism revenue.

New Hampshire's Largest State HighWay

Miss New Hampshire

Official State Past Time

Just The Facts

  1. Public school children are more likely to find Latvia on a United States map then New Hampshire.
  2. When the rest of Congress was told who the two Senators from New Hampshire were, the most common response was "Oh, shit. I thought those guys were like from Guam or something...."
  3. New Hampshire is frequently listed as the safest State in the U.S and tops numerous lists for best lifestyle state to live in. When Congress was told this information the most common response was "Oh Shit. I thought that place was like Guam or something."
  4. At least we're not Vermont.

New Hampshire: A History

Back in the 1600s when muzzle-loading Native American hunting was a weekend recreation, and colonization seemed like the cool thing to do, a shit ton of people formed Massachusetts. Numerous documents referred to it as a "Pretty jive scene, man." But like all jive scenes (man) a bunch of posers started to ruin the fun for the rest of us. So Massachusetts kicked those wanna-bes out to a slightly northern, slightly more boring, chunk of land. Being the uninspired nerds that they were, confused and alone in this new land they decided to at least make a name for it. The process took 13 years until someone (direct quote) stated "What if we like call it, you know, Hampshire but.... like.... New." The utter brilliance of the name stuck, and it has been called New Hampshire ever since.

Later the population started growing from people who wanted to see the beautiful state of Maine but got lost on the way and said "Fuck it. I'm just staying here." Many years went by, and the cogs in the great minds of many Colonials started to turn. Except those in New Hampshire who decided to remain fairly low key. While Jefferson, Hancock, Madison and the likes were forging the makings of a Revolution there remained a noticeably missing influence from New Hampshire. The Continental Congress decided to send a delegate over to see what the fuck was going on. They chose some poor sap who begrudgingly accepted. Upon arrival he asked "Come on New Hampshire, we're trying to get shit done. Where the fuck are you guys?" He was never seen from again.

Some time after in the year of 1776 the New Hampshire Colonial governor lost a game of craps to a few British troops. In a drunken fit he exclaimed, "You know what? Fuck-you-guys... That shit was rigged. We don't need you stupid British, and until I gets my money back New Hampshire's not going to be your friend anymore..."

And so New Hampshire became the first colony to declare independence from Britain. The rest as they say is history. A few years passed, a country formed, and New Hampshire was a State of the Union. They decided collectively that up until this point they hadn't really done much so they created a man named Daniel Webster in a test tube. He was to put New Hampshire on the map. Literally. Topographers just sort of forgot what that area was called and drew a little sea monster there. The experiment was a smashing success, as Webster grew up and kicked the shit out of the devil or something like that.

"Prepare for an ass whippin', Devil."

Feeling lucky at how well that turned out New Hampshire gave it another go when they created Franklin Pierce, the 14th President of the United States. Needless to say we fucked that up and stayed out of the public eye until we blew up a high school teacher about 120 years later.

Our most sincere condolences.

New Hampshire Today

New Hampshire nowadays continues to do what it's always done best: nothing. We take pride in our claims to fame which include the first presidential primary, and a natural rock formation. However everything we love dearly seems to be cursed, for after all, God forgot about New Hampshire a long time ago:

Old Man on the Mountain: Succumbed to erosion.

Christa Macalluff: Succumbed to giant explosion.

First Presidential Primary: Succumbed to that bastard Iowa and it's stupid caucus.

Robert Frost: Succumbed to actually not being from New Hampshire.

The residents are a curious type as well. They tend to enjoy a wide variety of ridiculous things like "cross-country ski", "not wear helmets when riding motorcycles", and "shovel snow." The breed of the New Hampshire-ite has been studied from the likes of Charles Darwin to Professor X.

"My god! These people.... They're.... They're.... INCREDIBLY BORED!"

With good reason. We are an interesting people. Due to a lack of cable throughout most of the sate, information travels slowly. Dane Cook is still "funny" and the Ugg Boots to white females ratio is 17:1. Yet we pride ourselves on our inelletualnessissity. We have been taughted pretty goodly, and are willing to learn onto others our smartfulness too............ Name me one bookstore cafe in New Hampshire and I'll name you a place where a conversation about philosophy in which no parties involved have any clue what they're talking about, is being held. Are we stupid? Yes. Are we ok with it? No. Ergo New Hampshire is still better then Kentucky. But besides all that we still have a pretty kick ass motto:"Live free or die." Heard by many, understood by none. But here in New Hampshire we live and abide by it. So fair warning, if your rights are ever infringed upon in New Hampshire and you're totally ok with it, we will personally shotgun-blast your ass.

He couldn't get a coffee based on his race and was totally cool about it. Problem solved, bitch.

But with a confusing state motto, maybe that's why we as a people are so confused. We've been set up to fail since kindergarten, reciting our oxy-moronical state anthem "Old New Hampshire." Which ranks with the likes of oxy-morons such as "Jumbo Shrimp", "Happy depression", "Almost Exactly", and "Really good Nicholas Cage movie." However to be fair, our anthem was beat out by "Moderately Interesting Wisconsin." (It's catchy as fuck though). However consider that such inherent confusion from a young age explains the average interests of a New Hamshire-ite; like Ken Burns documentaries, admiring foliage and NPR. As if any sane person would find those remotely interesting.

Its not all bad though. By nature we are a a very tolerant group of people. We think. No minority has been documented to step foot in the state, but we suspect if they did we'd welcome them with fairness and equality.

It's not like we haven't tried.

We may not be the shining beacon on the hill, but dammit if we're not a really bright mosquito zapper on a slightly elevated terrain!

Shit you can thank New Hampshire for

Alan Sheppard

First American in space. Commie whippin bad-ass. You're welcome America.

Shit we're totally sorry about.

Adam Sandler

Our bad,

Sarah Silverman

Once agin we take full responsibility.

Archie

We really tried to stop this one. Honest.

Triple H

Contributed to the decline in humanity. We really are sorry about this one.

Franklin Pierce

Anyone who was around in the 1850s, our sincerest apologies.