John Cena

John Cena is a 3 time WWE Champion and one of the most recognizable professional wrestlers in the world. After crash landing on Earth due to the destruction of his home planet, he discovered the powerful rays of our Sun gave him superhuman abilities.

A typical John Cena match

John Cena Fan Art by Hailey, aged 9

John Cena Fan Art by Robert, aged 27

Just The Facts

  1. Cena hits a clothesline
  2. Cena hits a shoulder block
  3. Cena hits "You Can't See Me" (a shitty People's Elbow where he waves his hand and then barely smacks someone with it)
  4. Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment (a shitty Fireman's Carry)
  5. Cena locks in an STF (a shitty STF)

Humble Beginnings

After being adopted by a loving farm couple in West Newbury, Massachusetts, young John quickly realized that he was unlike the other children. He would constantly yell throughout the playground "The Champ is Here," when it fact it was young Billy Townsend who had eaten the most ants behind the jungle gym. It was here he would successfully hone his ability to yell really loud, a trait that he would employ in the future during needlessly long wrestling promos and sound bytes for sub-par action films.

Young John's life would be changed forever in 1991. No, he didn't witness Hulk Hogan shove the American flag up Sgt. Slaughter's tratiorous posterior at Wrestlemania VII, rather he went and saw Terminator 2. John became convinced that he was in fact a muderous robot bent on killing John Connor. Soon realizing that he could never get to Idaho nor stand to leave a single mother with only five children to care for, John fell into a deep depression and only found solace in bodybuilding (this, despite the whole robot thing.)

Eventually John would go to a place where all his pent up anger could be expressed in a healthy way. He would go to the place where souls go to die: UPN.

Dante never saw this one coming

John became a hunter on the short-lived show "Manhunt," in which he hunted people for sport by jamming shanks and power tools into the backs of the heads of his prey. Seriously though, this was fucking UPN, so really he would scream at them prior to shooting plastic pellets as they ran across a wheatfield.

The show, surprisingly, was canceled and UPN went back into the darkness from whence it came. Not having an outlet for sort of hunting people anymore, John decided he would do the next best thing and sort-of hurt people by becoming a professional wrestler.

From Robot to Rapper

Young John would train in California before being picked to enter the farm league for World Wrestling Entertainment known as Ohio Valley Wrestling (which is in Kentucky and, as you can imagine, gets confusing as hell.) Deciding to embrance his robotic roots, Cena became the "Prototype" a cold mechanical assassin. Upon being called up the main roster, WWE decided that the idea of an unstoppable destruction machine was a little too uninspired, instead promoting John to fit a role that only the top men under Vince's McMahon's employ could possibly manifest: a man who wears tights that are the color of the town's best sports team.

Still Better Than the Gobbledy Gooker

Still Better Than the Gobbledy Gooker

Poor John continued to be depressed however, and began doing what any sullen adonis of a man would do on a rainy day: watch VH1. Once again mediocre and inexpensive television would change his life, as there he saw the Behind the Music special for Vanilla Ice.

A True American Hero

A True American Hero

During a Halloween party on WWE SmackDown!, Cena dressed as VI and scores some points with the buoyant daughter of Vinny Mac, Stephanie (though she would end up making out with her father's ex-business rival who was dressed as her father. No, really.) From then on, John became a freestyle rapper, intimidating his opponents by "spitting" (as the kids call it,) lyrics insulting them. Such gems that Cena came up with on the spot included:

  • Implying his opponent was homosexual
  • Implying that his tag team opponents had sex with each other
  • Implying that an opponent's geisha wife was really wearing a semen mask
  • Implying that his opponent couldn't pin him without getting a boner

Believe it not the kids love the gay jokes these days, and Cena quickly became a fan favorite. He began to earn many accolades, such as defeating the Big Show at the twenteth anniversary of Wrestlemania to become the United StatesChampion. Sadly, Cena began a misguided quest to become even more popular by bastardizing classic logos on his merchandise including the old WWF logo, the old AWA logo, original Nintendo game covers, and, for some reason, the John Deere logo. The icing on this cake of calamity was turning the prestigious United States Championship belt into a custom belt complete with spinning action.

Is the TM really necessary?

Is the TM really necessary?

Vince McMahon, recognizing the street cred that Cena had with the youth crowd after it was carefully explained to him by no less than eight of his best chambermaids, decided it was time for John to move on to bigger and better things. Now that The Rock and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin had retired from active competiton in the ring, choosing instead to fit the always needed role of the dad who looks like Rambo in a Disney movie, John was groomed for a spot in the main event and became a contender for the WWE Championship. Extraordinary measures were taken to ensure that John was clearly portrayed as their new favorite son. He was given victory over victory at several major pay-per-view, overcoming impossible odds each time, including defeating the seven foot, five-hundred found Big Show on numerous occasions and withstanding being stabbed, hit by a speeding car, and walking out of a Hammerstein Ballroom full of bloodthirsty old-school ECW fans alive. He was also given several elaborate entrances, not the least of which was at the 2006 Royal Rumble, where he embraced his Kryptonian roots and came to the ring on a spaceship. That's right, a fucking spaceship.

Yes, that thing.

Nay, even the man of steel must be defeated from time to time. There is a very short list of worthy competitors that have humiliated the champ, which includes, but is not limited to:

  1. Edge
  2. Rob Van Dam
  3. A 7000 Watt Searchlight
  4. The slime at the UK Kid's Choice Awards
  5. Triple H (Vince's McMahon's daughter's husband and, coincidentally, 13 time World Champion)
  6. And, this man:

At least David Arquette won in a tag match

The (Pretend) Marine

In the coming years John Cena would become the biggest draw for the WWE, with his intense physicality and immense wit. By the way, WWE began to gear their floundering programming towards the insane money hounds known as children, and as a result "intense physicality" became the equivalent of taking your opponent's entire arsenal of abuse only to slam them with a finisher Cena dubbed the FU (which it was both figeratively to his opponent and literally to the people who grew up watching Austin practically rip his opponent's head off.) As for his "immense wit" the days of throwing your most hated enemy the bird and symbolically telling him to peform fellatio on your person by chopping at your crotch were over, in favor of calling him "POOPY."

You honestly thought I was kidding, didn't you?

John would eventually become a multiple time champion, earning both the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Champion (which are, in fact, two different things.) In true Cena fashion, he would create a spinning version of the WWE Championship that is still in use today.

"Oh SHIT! They spelled Triple H wrong!"

Capitializing on Cena's popularity, WWE had him star in the major motion picture "The Marine," in which John has to save his wife from criminals who have kidnapped her. It was largely considered a box-office flop (seriously, how could a picture made by WWE Films fail?!) Of course the only logical course of action was to make another film starring Cena, "12 Rounds," only this time featuring John trying to save his wife from a criminal. Only he's a cop this time. And there's only the one criminal, but he's super smart. You know, to make it fair.

"Oh I get it. He's in streetclothes because he's going against the law. Clever, John. Clever."

No one quite knows what the future holds for the relatively still young Johnathan, but if there's one thing we know for sure, it's that the name Cena will grace the wrestling ring so long as children are willing to beg their parents for John Cena t-shirts, wristbands, ballcaps, necklaces, replica championships, watches, bookbags, shoes, glasses, underwear, drinking glasses, folding chairs, car decals, fake biceps, rap albums, and of course, straight-to-DVD films.

Hulk Who?