People Of Facebook

There are around 500 million people on this earth with facebook accounts, completely stretching the definition of "friend". You can't expect all of these different kinds of people to be categorized into stereotyped groups, but they will be anyways.

Gotta find some friends first...

Just The Facts

  1. The average user has 130 friends. That probably means there are people out there with no friends or about five.
  2. But then most people only keep in contact with about 5 people. So who is the cool guy now?
  3. That hot girl with about 20 friends who randomly added you? She isn't real, she is only interested in promoting a dodgy site.
  4. Those apps and things saying "See who stalks your profile!" do not work... I hope.

The Photographers

One of the main cogs in the engine of facebook is picture sharing. Think of how much time you've spent perusing your current crush's pictures to learn about their interest and hangouts. Now all stalking aside pictures are one of the more enjoyable features of facebook. Unfortunately, some people abuse this power like a red headed step-child. The usual suspects are the following:

The <3 BFFS!!! <3 - These are probably the most common of the picture offenders. Some ditzy girls ranging from the young age of eleven to the embarrassing old age of upper twenties. It's almost so common I almost feel bad for targeting them. Almost. The album cover will be a picture of no less than three girls all having way much too fun to properly pose for the camera. The cover will also be edited with as many picnik effects that could be crammed in. The album name will be one of three things
1.) BFFS!!!!/inside joke (cause they're way better friends than you could ever be)

2.) A quote from the currently popular R&B song.

3.) A Marilyn Monroe quote.

If you look through the album it will be mostly pictures taken in a car or indoors at arms length. Of course their will be the complementary duck face somewhere in the album. I don't know who the girl was that decided that looking like migrating waterfowl is sexy but there is a circle in hell reserved just for her.

Not attractive even in the slightest

The Serious Photographer - Another picture hound lurking through facebook is the ever prominent professional photographer. Their whole existence on facebook is to promote their hobby. Their statuses are filled with the latest information about their blog or camera accessories. Their profile picture will be a professional yet quirky looking picture with their business' named watermarked in the corner; which will either be "(insert photographers name) Photography" or some kind of nature combination like "Fallen Leaves" or "Waterfalls Under the Sun". Their pictures will be littered with the macro setting because zooming in on dew resting on a flower petal is so deep it hurts the soul. If there are people in the picture the background setting will be somewhere older than thirty years or at least looks that old. This way they can just put the picture in black and white and it instantly becomes artsy. Which is the main goal of every serious photographer, to prove that they are the most artistic one out there.

The Bathroom Model - Here we find the most hated picture to ever seep from myspace. If there is any way to lose the respect of others for yourself and everything you stand for it is by dressing up and taking a mirror picture in your latrine. The duck face, though still not sexy, at least takes place in areas where the main function is not to do a number two. When the picture is posted they're trying to say "Look how spontaneous and casual I am!" but we the public hear "Another slow friday it seems". It is honestly one of the saddest things I see on facebook. The album name will prominently display ME!!! just to highlight the fact that no one else was involved in the taking of the picture. I will relish the day people realize that the bathroom houses unspeakable things, not a modeling studio.

The Happy Couple

So the news feed is the main traffic for all of your friends information (Also the best place to deny stalking. The sentence "It came on my news feed" has become a safe haven from all stalking allegations). This makes the news feed basically the "refresh page". So the most annoying thing to happen on the news feed is consistent and worthless traffic that nobody cares about. Enter the happy facebook couple. They swarm your news feed with a tsunami of hearts, caps lock and exclamation points. Back and forth they write to each other because their high school love is far too important to be discussed privately. God forbid they call or text each other when facebook is readily waiting to send their professions of love to everybody's news feed to see. All must know their passionate undying love for each other. It's become the modern day, but far less romantic, version of confessing your love by shouting from the rooftops. Except you can throw a shoe at the twit yelling. It just makes it all the more satisfying and not sad at all when the two eventually break up. Their wall to wall becomes a monument for their embarrassment.

Someone needs some new standards

Someone needs some new standards

The Tweeter

We've been over the news feed. We like it filled with diverse amounts of information amongst all our friends. But, their are those out there who don't realize that facebook is not twitter. You know who they are. Everyone has that one friend. They strike about noon and let you know every detail of their life and thought until the finally go to bed with the status "OFF to bed! Good night everybodyyyyyyy!!!!". There are different variations of the "tweeter". Some honestly don't realize the unspoken rule of keeping it to a max of one status a day. Others just need the attention like some kind of angsty lightning rod so that they can recharge their self-esteem batteries. The usual daily status routine of a "tweeter" is seen as such (I'm gonna use the name Derp McLookatme)

Derp McLookatme ready for a greeeaaaattttt day! :)

Derp McLookatme can't find my shoes >:(

Derp McLookatme hates hates hates traffic!

Derp McLookatme lunch break! egg salad sandwich! yum yum

Derp McLookatme Jenna just waved at me! I'm totally crushing on her :D

Derp McLookatme the boss told me I'm doing a good job! :-)

Derp McLookatme came home to find mittens tangled in the phone line. lil rascal!

Derp McLookatme ramen noodles for dinner! living the dream lol

Derp McLookatme aww shoot. glee isn't on tonight! >:( stupid sports

Derp McLookatme feeling sad without my shows...

Derp McLookatme with each new status I don't feel more loved. I feel more alone :'(

Derp McLookatme wants to end it all

Derp McLookatme is jumping. goodbye. tell my family I love them

Derp McLookatme .

Derp McLookatme JK!!!!! lololololol. did ya miss me ;D

The Jailbait

For all the guys out there let me describe an all too familiar scenario. You see a friend request so you click on it. Hmm, looks like a pretty hot chick in a A.) revealing dress, B.) short shorts, C.) a bikini. You are of course interested and you have about twenty five mutual friends so you know she's legit. You click on her profile and go for the profile pictures first. There are some attractive pictures amongst the lot and you start to feel like this is a lass you need to get to know "better". So you do a quick check of interest and then your stomach drops. The "hot" chick is fifteen. Guilt washes over you making you feel like you need to take a shower in bibles. You feel disgusted with yourself for even beginning to undress the underaged lady with your eyes. But you shouldn't cause it's not your fault. It is genetics and her at fault. Genetics because they developed her way too early and made the male sexual receptors not account for age or lawsuits. And her fault cause she's flaunting what she's got under your not age aware receptors.

The Negative Nancy

So an average status update usually consists of lyrics from a song you like, what you're doing that night, a current muse you've been pondering over and occasionally something negative. And if there is something annoying that you do occasionally, it is somebody else's job to do it all the time. They seem to think all their friends on facebook are their personal psychiatrist. Complaining perhaps in hope of that ever fleeting attention. A negative attitude doesn't attract friends though. It just annoys the ones you have. A little bad news every now and then is understandable, but I've seen kids with honestly ninety percent negative statuses. Based on things as mundane of how their parents suck, homework sucks, America sucks and just life in general sucking like a blowfish attached to the end of a vacuum. Do me a favor will you? Go ahead and get on your facebook. I know it's already open in another tab or window so just mosey on over there for me. Find that person with all of the the negative statuses. You know the one. Now post this picture on their wall and tell them that others have it way worse.


Puts all those whiny cries of how their school, parents and friends suck into perspective don't it?

The Graveyard Profile

Perhaps the saddest amongst these groups is the graveyard profile. Near desertion plagues this page. The only signs of activity are the happy birthdays for a celebration that happened two months ago and a status update about how they're going to the opening release of The Dark Knight. Their situation is that they either are just very creepily watching their friends while trying to not attract too much attention to themselves like a depressed kid watching his classmates play...

It's like we're playing together...

...or they just honestly don't care for facebook (despite the statistics there are people out there who don't). Like you're visiting a deceased relative, give them an encouraging "I miss you" then run along and play with your more active and alive friends.

The Gamer

Look, I've emphasized enough that the news feed probably has more traffic than any site outside of google. That's why people get pissed when others post pointless information over and over again. What could be more annoying than this you ask? Why dear reader, it's crappy facebook games posting the most pointless statistics of your friend's latest exploits in "Underwater Darts 3" or some junk. With the video game industry spending billions for the latest and greatest graphics, gameplay and story lines to please the gaming community why do people waste their time cultivating crops that couldn't be more pointless if they were on the other side of an imaginary universe (which they are). I've played some of these games and they are terribly dull. I've found much more excitement from popping bubble wrap. Nothing will get you blocked or de-friended from others like posting or inviting everyone to join you in your war against the umbrella bears of mars

This is not what I wanted to accept a friend request from