The Phantom Of The Opera

The Phantom of the Opera has been adapted into more than twenty films, six television specials, and (believe it or not) more musicals than just that one your girlfriend won't stop listening to. The story in each is basically the same: Christine is a young girl living at the opera house in Paris. The phantom becomes infatuated with her, stalks her (see: Edward Cullen school of romance), and eventually ends up kidnapping her. The phantom's horrible disfigurement a plus, but not necessary. Them screwing is also a plus, but not...well, we'll just call it necessary anyway.

Here are a few of the more notable adaptations:

Lon Chaney's Phantom of the Opera (1925)

The poor dental hygiene of true horror.

This is the Phantom of the Opera most people are familiar with, if they aren't familiar with the flouncy half-masked version. During the original screenings, smelling salts were kept on hand for when the Phantom's face was finally revealed, due to the women in the audience fainting dead away. Apparently women in the 20's were as exciteable as incontinent cocker spaniels.

Claude Rains's Phantom of the Opera (1943)

Or possibly Michael Myers in his "goin' out" fedora.

This adaptation, while critically lauded, is so far from the original story it may as well be called "That Crazy Guy Who Lives in the Basement and Won't Take His Mask Off". Though we suppose that could be the name of about a dozen John Carpenter horror movies.

This adaptation is also notable for reusing a lot of the same sets as the Lon Chaney version. This is because Hollywood is really goddamned lazy. Remember this when you're watching Wall Street Three: The Moneying.

Freddy Krueger's Phantom of the Opera (1989)

We haven't actually seen this version. We just thought it was notable because his face appears to be made out of lasagna.

Dario Argento's Phantom of the Opera (1998)

Notable for being the creepiest of the adaptations, though not for the reason you're probably thinking.

Ooh, baby. You can hang out in my foggy negative space any day.

This is our Christine. Pretty sexy, right? Bet the director thought she was the hottest chick on the casting couch. Oh yeah, by the way, that's the director's daughter.

"Yeah, sweetheart. That's great. Remember, your gram-gram's birthday is tomorrow. Sorry, can you flash us a little more inner thigh?"

The phantom in this version isn't even remotely disfigured, unless you count "unwashed hair" amongst your fears.

In 1986, Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a musical, inspired by (see: stealing from) everyone from Puccini to Pink Floyd. Much like the book, it was poorly recieved critically, but became a phenomenal success anyway. The musical went on to win seven Tony awards, and a divorce for Andrew Lloyd Webber.

And really, who would want to tie this British fox down?

Before you buy your tickets though, realize: this musical is almost four hours long. Yes there is a fireball and yes, someone gets strangled at one point, but most of the time it's just a lot of singing about how dangerous the Phantom is and not actually a lot of depiction of how dangerous the Phantom is. This is basic script-writing at its worst, here.

Here is the most famous song from the show, and undoubtedly the most hilarious of all the Phantom masks. It's like the Phantom as portrayed by Harry Caray as portrayed by Will Ferrell.

Yes, we know the lyrics are different in this version. Please stop emailing us.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera (2004)

The most well-lit underground lair in France.

In keeping with the trend, this movie was critically lambasted (and people finally started to realize that maybe the story itself is just kind of shitty). The reason this movie was so notably bad is partially due to the direction of Joel Schumacher (or the man who gave Batman his bat-nipples), but mostly due to the fact that everyone in the film sang as if they had only read about the act of singing in a poorly translated Korean pamphlet.

And, just like anything with more than ten female fans, it spawned a number of baffling anime music videos.

Ultimately, Phantom of the Opera has left an enduring legacy. It is the longest running Broadway musical, the only reason that anybody knows who Gaston Leroux is, the only reason anybody would marry Andrew Lloyd Webber, and has given birth to a million ill-fitting Halloween costumes.

Really, you're a stud.

Before you consider dressing up as the Phantom this Halloween, realize that the only women you're going to attract are the insane musical theater types. Is that really a risk you're willing to take?