Egypt

-Under Construction- (like a pyramid, yo!) Egypt is a small country in the Middle East, best known for it's many ancient landmarks, guys with mustaches and machineguns, and sand. So much sand...&&(navi

Never go out camel riding without sunglasses. Assuming you WANT to be able to see by the time you get back home anyway,,,

Just The Facts

  1. Egypt didn't invent civilization itself, but they certainly pimped it up more than anyone else had, eventually inspiring the Greeks and Romans to make it a worldwide thing.
  2. After that Moses guy escaped, the Egyptians gained a reputation as "the bad guys" to some degree, though this eventually led Metallica to write a really kickass song about it.
  3. Modern Egypt is predominantly Muslim these days, with a significant Coptic Christian minority. Almost no one there gives a crap about Isis or Osiris anymore though...except of course when it comes to selling little statues to tourists. KaCHING!!!
  4. Everyone in Egypt still lives in pyramids and most families have a pet sphinx.
  5. You might not want to visit there without being sure where your own embassy is. And maybe your bulletproof vest. Things tend to get a little bit "KILL THE FOREIGN DEVILS!" there every couple of years. Just sayin'.

Holy Shit It Is Just So Hot...Are We...Closer To The Sun Or Something?

Egypt is like a lot of Middle Eastern countries...it's hot there. Really incredibly hot. So hot that if you don't have a decent idea of what kind of precautions to take, your afternoon walk in the desert can easily turn into your last few hours of life. The sun tends to reflect right back off the desert, creating about 125% the normal amount of sunlight, and sometimes about 350%. It's pretty much a microwave full of sand and scorpions.

Somehow, people managed to take root there even though they didn't have air conditioners. Instead, they went swimming in the Nile river, where they were subjected to crocodile attacks and terrible overused puns. Yes, as far back as 4500 BC, saying "looks like you're in DA NILE" was considered stupid and irritating, and during most dynasties was grounds for immediate execution.

But you can thank the Egyptians for inventing Iron Maiden when the Pharaoh expressed a sudden need to rock out...

The Pyramids Are Spaceships, Right?

Yeah. They're all spaceships, because the ancient egyptians were space travellers, much like your shoes are spaceships because your feet are space travellers, or your garbage can is a spaceship because your orange rinds are space travellers.

It's obvious that they have nothing to do with space travel or even time travel, and are simply there to facilitate travel between layers of alternate reality. It has nothing to do with these silly science fiction ideas about aliens or time travellers.

Obviously, they are just tombs for dead Pharaohs and their personal waitstaff of corpses. Even though they figured they were heading for the afterlife, they really wanted to bring most of their stuff with them, and they would have it all taken by U-haul and desposited in their own tombs-to-be. They also felt like it was best to have their important organs taken out and put into tupperware dishes, to be carefully labelled and organized, preventing anyone eating someone else's brain by accident. For this reason, ancient Egypt had the lowest number of murders between room-mates every year for hundreds of year running. Then they invented cable, and there was a new bill to argue about, and everything went to shit after that.

Were The Egyptian The First Furries?

No.

Their gods and goddesses didn't have animal heads and human bodies to satisfy the weird sex fantasies of a bunch of socially backward costume freaks.

It was because the early Egyptians were just totally mental and weird, and didn't see any reason why god might just look like a normal guy. A guy with a crocodile head? Well...maybe! Probably they were just trying to symbolize the best aspects of those animals, much like other pagan cultures, though it might have had something to do with their huge genetic engineering lab too. That whole alternate reality thing really made things weird for a while.

Once they made a couple of statues, they all looked at them and said "Damn, we have some seriously badass looking gods! We are SO HARDCORE! We should all rock out some more!".

And so they did.

This guy is so fucking Metal and doesn't even know it...

And Then Everyone Was Happy?

Yes, maybe for about five minutes, and then one by one, every other country in the world started to attack Egypt. Sometimes two at a time. Mostly because, because. Egypt was there after all, and it had some fuckin' dope landmarks, and some people liked it all enough to go try to kill everybody there.