"So what's the deal with that Jimmy Buffett guy? Was he born in the sand and raised by starfish?" Well, that's not too far off. Here's a thing or two about Jimmy Buffett:
Jimmy Buffett was born in Alabama, and spent the better part of his life in the Deep South, so it's no wonder he wants to pretend that he's in some LSD-induced setting called Margaritaville. Although, when he started recording in 1970, he was strictly country music. When he realized he was no good at that, he decided to maybe go with something new, something that will blow people's minds, something that will change music forever.
But instead, he wrote "Pencil Thin Mustache".
And thus began Buffett's downward spiral into flip-flops and Hawaiian shirts.
Buffett is known for his lifestyle and consequential music genre, a beach filled, carefree life with never ending margaritas. He is most commonly referred to as a Beach Bum, although he prefers the term "Island Escapist" (for obvious reasons). If this were a religion, Key West would be the Holy Land, Spring Break would be Christmas, and Jesus would've died on the cross with a fucking lei around his neck.
Remember my son...I will hang ten with you always.
The man has been on tour since 1976, presumably because he runs out of things to do at the empty beaches while everyone else is out working their fucking jobs.
To those that flock to Jimmy, they believe him to be some sort of deity. Everywhere you turn in Florida, there's a slew of stickers with such compelling slogans as "I'd Rather Be At a Jimmy Buffett Concert", or "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Jimmy Buffett".
His fanbase consists mostly of college frat boys (Buffett was in Kappa Sigma, are you seeing a pattern here?), and annoying middle-aged people trying desperately to feel young again. You know the type.
"That Jimmy Buffett is so funny! He's just something else, isn't he?"
Yeah...he's something else all right.
Upon doing some research for this topic, I noticed that there is compelling evidence that Jimmy doesn't own a single pair of shoes.
I also heard that if you see your reflection in his skin, it means six more weeks of summer.
Don't be fooled here, more after the ads.
When Jimmy isn't raking in the cash on tour, he's usually out trollin' for tail on the boardwalks. But when he's not doing that, he's matching his musical skill (or lack thereof) in the form of writing.
Buffett has written five books and is currently working on his sixth.
If you're like me, you are probably wondering what the fuck this guy is writing books about, but at the same time you don't care to look it up. So I'm going to take this opportunity to try and let Wikipedia explain one of his novels, called Where Is Joe Merchant?
"The book revolves around Frank Bama and his ex-girlfriend, hemorrhoid-ointment heiress Trevor Kane. Frank, a down-on-his-luck seaplane pilot, is about to escape to Alaska when Trevor unexpectedly jumps back into his life asking for his help in tracking down her brother, the notorious rock star Joe Merchant."
If this is starting to make less sense the more you read, then you and I are on the same page. I'm not even going to make an attempt on the snide comments for this one, it's just too...too easy.
On February 4, 2001, Buffett was thrown out of the American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida while attending a Heat/Kicks game for using profane language in front of a woman with a young child. Referee Joe Forte was the only one with enough balls to approach Buffett and eject him from the arena, although it was later discovered that it was because Forte had no idea who he was.
Heat coach Pat Riley tried to ease up Forte on a more personal level by asking him if he was a Parrothead. For those of you who missed it above, Parrotheads are what Buffett fans call themselves, but to someone like Forte who has happily lived his life without ever having to hear so much as "Cheeseburger in Paradise", this name sounds pretty insulting. Needless to say, it only made matters worse. Buffett was escorted out.
Oh, and the Knicks won.
In January of 1996, Buffett was in Jamaica when his Grumman-HU16 plane (which is not so much a plane as it is a flying boat) was shot at by Jamaican police because, for whatever reason, they believed the plane to be smuggling marijuana. To everyone's surprise (even Buffett's), it wasn't. Buffett ended up writing a song about the incident called...*sigh*..."Jamaica Mistaica". The plane sustained minimal damage, which is unfortunate because Bono was on board as well.
Damn it! We were so close.
On another drug-related note, in 2006 he was detained in France for allegedly having a shit ton of ecstasy in his luggage. Upon searching his suitcase, the pills they found were "questionable prescription drugs". Jimmy paid a $300 fine for being a dumbass, and later stated that the pills were prescription Vitamin B supplements.
Yeah dude...Vitamin B supplements. I gotcha.
But still, this guy weasels his way out of most situations. It gives me confidence, because the next time I get pulled over I'll roll down my window and politely say "Don't blame me, I voted for Jimmy Buffett."