Timesplitters 2

Timesplitters 2 is a video game involving time travel, and probably time splitting, if the title is any indication.

Using the powers of deductive reasoning, we can guess that this is the front cover of the PS2 edition of the game. Probably.

Timecop is currently suing the creators of Timesplitters 2 for Premise Theft.

Just The Facts

  1. Timesplitters 2 is a 2002 shooter released for XBOX, PS2, and Gamecube
  2. It teaches us the valuable lesson that violence solves everything, including time paradoxes.


These Timesplitters are an alien race who want to destroy mankind. You have to stop them.

"We'll teach you to borrow our lawnmower and never return it, humanity!"

The developers managed to avoid having any plot holes by making the premise one big plot hole: The Timesplitters don't want to invade Earth, they just hang out in space and use their time crystals to travel back in time, wreaking havoc on history.

Darn you Timesplitters and your pranks!

Before they can go back and kill Adam and Eve, though, Sergeant Cortez and Corporal Hart (corporal Hart is the requisite Girl-who-never-wears-a-full-suit-of-clothing-even-in-military-operations heroine) travel to their space station to stop them.

You'd better watch out for Bruce Willis and Agent Boob, Timesplitters!

Instead of just running back to the Cold War and making the US and Russia nuke the world into oblivion, the Timesplitters run to 10 seperate destinations in time, hiding their time crystals at the end of each level.

"We didn't think this one out too well, Tom."

This gives the two specialists ample time to traverse each level, kill some innocent 3rd party enemies, locate the time crystal, and then escape through the portal. Rinse and repeat 10 times, from the Wild West to the 25th century. Once they get tired of this, Cortez escapes from the ship and it blows up (Hart bites it, in what one imagines is the most sexist death in video gaming).

The sequel probably features more of the same.


Timesplitters 2 features many diverse and interesting weapons, however, because the structure of each level couldn't be too different and because the mechanics of combat are similar throughout the game, your weapons in-level will boil down to this:

-A handgun

-A rapid fire gun

-A sniper rifle

-An up-close gun

-A melee weapon

-Something that goes boom.

-A heavy thing like a flamethrower or a railgun or something totally impractical that you're not going to use.

"Careful guys, he's using the mid-to-short range one"

Also, you sometimes get to dual wield.

The game also conforms to the 6 Basic Rules of Shooters:

-There is no such thing as suppressing fire.

-Reloading takes the same amount of time for every weapon.

"No, don't get another clip out, just point off screen and shoot."

-Every weapon fires perfectly straight and there is no recoil.

-Everyone can withstand multiple bullet wounds, but you can more than everyone else.

-Circle strafing works on everything.

-Walking over food or body armor will cause you to immediately eat it/put it on, resulting in instantaneous health gain/armor integrity safety meter

Despite the cliches and poor planning, this game is rabidly adored by fans, probably because it is extremely fun to play.

Not to mention the highly realistic breast graphics.


There is a fight-your friends mode that can support 4 players, but if you don't have 3 friends you can play Co-op story mode (apparently somebody else guards the time portal to make sure no Timesplitters press the "trap in the past" button)

"Pause the war, Brad, I have to go to the bathroom."

Being Cool

Timesplitters 2 is cool, right?

This is also cool: