If Twilight and The Satanic Bible were put in a vat of toxic waste in the La Brea Tar Pits during a lightning storm, the result would be The Chronicles of Nick: Infinity&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('
Well, in case you don't feel like clicking here for the rundown, Sherrilyn Kenyon (a.k.a Kinley MacGregor when alone in front of a mirror in a schoolgirl costume) has produced approximately 1,000 written works, one of which was bound to be a New York Times bestseller. One can only hope that the rest of the "Dark Hunter" series is very, very different from Infinity, lest the minds of our children smart enough to read are baked in their skulls by a combination of teen cliches and ho-hum paranormal plot devices.
This kid Nick is a poor New Orleanian who gets suspended from private school for starting fights with those meanies, the jocks, who taunt his mother because she's a stripper (even though she's graduated from the Merry and Pippin B-List Characters with Hearts of Gold School). He meets a hot girl named Koby (or maybe it's Kody. I think it's Koby), which isn't really a surprise, because the most unattractive girl in the novel is described as "curvy" (every fifteen pages or so, Kenyon reaffirms the thought that she's a lesbian by introducing another "sexiest girl in New Orleans") and then proceeds to get himself shot in the arm by his best friends. (Womp womp waaaaaaaaah). Fortunately, a not-pervert named Kyrian Hunter saves his life and then offers to pay his hospital bills, and then offers him a job (and then offers him a drink, and then offers him a back rub...) at his mansion. Koly also visits him in the hospital and then loans him her Nintendo (Nintendo what? Wii? Gameboy? Gamecube? SP? Sherrilyn doesn't know!), which turns out to be a magical camera that allows her to spy on him (because she's on the side of the light, and Nick's a Malachia, which means bad guy, even though he doesn't know it yet). Then people at Nick's school start eating one another, but Nick escapes unharmed and meets Acheron in Kyrian's mansion. Acheron is eleven thousand years old, meaning his crush on human high school girls would be way creepier than Edward's. Kyrian takes Nick under his wing, and I didn't read the rest but if I had to guess I'd say at some point in time Kory kisses Nick.
-Nick's mother is a Bourbon Street stripper, but speaks with the dignity of the college-educated and even manages to use the word "paltry" in a grammatically correct fashion.
-Nick is supposed to be a powerful Malachai like his murderous father, but for the first part of the book he gets shot in the arm and then whimpers like a little bitch whenever anyone touches it. The jock that beats him up beats him up again afterwards, defying all rules of storybook justice.
-Anyone in a letterman's jacket is either very stupid, very evil, or a misguided cockhole. Actual dialogue: "Nerd boy. Where he?"
-Sherrilyn was apparently raised in a church, because the most vicious profanity used in the story is the word "buttmunch" Oooh, little harsh there, Kenyon! You should have listened to your editor Pope Pious II and said "butthead"!
-There is a redneck named Bubba who owns a gun store, watches Oprah, discharges weapons in public and does not get arrested, and is a genius. A little contrived, in my opinion.
-Dark hunters is a stupid name. Pick a better one.
-The term for someone controlling a zombie (a bokor) is used.
-There are no ugly people in the entire world. Everyone is cute, pretty, sexy, curvy, or good-looking.
And then this could happen.
Kind of like a boy version of Twilight, if that boy had a vagina.