Pinball

Pinball is an ancient sport dating back to the time of The Mayans. It has now become a phenomenon throughout the human race, so much so that the UN has decided to begin converting the Moon and possibly Jupiter's Ganymede into giant pinball arcades.

Mob Bosses trying to extort information out of a pinball machine.

Humphrey Milhouse, the first ancient Mayan to play pinball.

Fuck you Call of Duty, I stick with classic video games.

Just The Facts

  1. In over 6 Billion years of existence Pinball has killed at least 3 people by means of decapitation.
  2. The country of Estonia was formed to serve as an oasis for pinball players.
  3. The Chinease symbol for pinball is tattooed on the forearms of over 1 million white middle class 20 year olds.

Pinball according to the only person who matters: Me

Pinball is a curse upon society for a multitude of reasons. Of which I will lay out before you (quite sensualy). First things first. Whenever anyone play pinball they are not even entirely sure what they are doing. Any humanoid mongrel that plays just presses the bumper buttons every time the ball comes near them in hopes that it will travel up some cool little off-slide and hit soemthing that makes a funny noise. Despite scientific research, no one is even sure if there's an objective to pinball. However, you can earn points, but nobody is really certain how you get them. Insert a quarter and by the end of the game you have somewhere in the ballpark of 79 billion points. Which is entirely unessecary. It would be simple enough to make each bumper worth one point, but instead they add about 18 zeros to its point value. There is no need for points that high. Which is why I can't play pinball. My brain shuts off after I see any number greater than 1000. Literally. It goes dead, and I revert into primordial mode in which I drool and crawl around on my hands and knees for 20 minutes. It's not pretty, and happens to be one more reason why I can't watch Double Jeopardy.

"Damn you Alex Trebek! What the hell is an 'American'?"

"Damn you Alex Trebek! What the hell is an 'American'?"

Anyone who can make sense of those sheer amount of numbers are off at MIT shooting lasers into strands of DNA (or something along those lines). But I'm not really sure what they do. They probably got a government grant into the research of shooting lasers at strands of DNA. Damnit!, I dont know. I'm not a congressman for god sakes. Although I have had a sex scandal. But that's beside the point. The point, if I can remember over the hazy cloud of my current heroin high, is that points in Pinball are way too long. When a scoreboard to any game reads something like this:

999,777,663,32,232,968,393,844,444,675,109,000,209,999,098,097,092,222,837,289,668,789,330,202,001

Then things have become much to complicated. The only way they could complicate things any further would be to have bumpers worth pi, or the decimal value of two thirds.

If all that weren't bad enough, it's a known fact that Pinball has invaded every wholesome franchise in American history. Sure I understand the sophisticated pleasures of perusing an issue of Playboy, but that hardly warrants the need to shoot a little ball around in the name of Playboy...

Ewww.... Don't touch his hand....

Ewww.... Don't touch his hand....

But the worst part of it all is that you actually have to pay. People have to literally insert money into a machine that pushes a little ball around. It should dispense money for anyone who plays it. The way I see it, I deserve to at least get my quarter back for the time the flashing lights gave me an epileptic seizure.

Heh, get it? Quarterback....

Heh, get it? Quarterback....

And when you do find yourself in an epileptic seizure at an arcade (like I did), people can't really hear your screams for help over the obnoxious DING! DING! DING! of the pinball machine as you slip into a pinball induced coma. So yes, me waking up after a 20 year coma to find myself in the corner of an arcade is due in part to pinball. But does that make me bitter? Does that make this topic bias? No. I've slipped into 20 year comas from exhausting sex, but it's still something I love to do. Hell, I do it every night if I can.

Picture of authors only sexual partner.

Picture of authors only sexual partner.

My hatred towards pinball is as such: I simply hate it because it sucks. There are plenty of things that suck and share my infinite hatred, which are, (but not limited to):

  • Ostriches
  • Pack mules
  • Tennis Balls
  • Men's Balls
  • Wedding Rings
  • Ear Rings
  • Worm Rings
  • Ring-O Starr
  • Asterisks*
  • Your Music
  • The Netherlands
  • McJagger
  • McJagger's cousin, McFagger
  • Spok
  • Spok's cousin, Cok

So what does all that tell you? Admittedly absolutely nothing. However, if you take the 8th and 22nd letter from each line it will tell you where my treasure is buried. I know at first glance the 8th and 22nd letters might appear to form some sort of nonsensical gibberish. But it's not. It's written in a language I made up and now you should feel like an asshole for thinking your culture is superior to mine. Way to go. Human deprogression is probably a direct result of your ignorance.

*Shhhh.... He'll never notice.

Notable Pinball Players

Helen Keller. Known for deafness, dumbness and blindness, yet could play a mean pinball.

Max, The Pinball wizard.

Max, The Pinball wizard.

Fuck it, I've exhausted all other Who jokes.

Fuck it, I've exhausted all other Who jokes.

Sammy Fartwell, first crackbaby to play pinball.... Or live to be 60 for that matter...

Sammy Fartwell, first crackbaby to play pinball.... Or live to be 60 for that matter...

And this guy.

And this guy.

In all honesty, there really isn't much you have to do in order to be a notable pinball player. If you've ever even seen a pinball machine I'm pretty sure you qualify. So give yourself a pat on the back. You're slightly more accomplished then a Neanderthal.