Jessica Simpson

As we all know, us guys (bull-dykes included, of course) would give anything to lay this piece of hot-woman-meat on top of/inside of/and underneath any automobile--well now we can...

Reason to Lay 1: She has good hygiene. She takes showers regularly and takes pictures while doing so.

Reason to Lay 2: She is patriotic and welcomes the troops with no shirt, open pants, and a contradicting 'peace' sign.

Reason to Lay 3: She doesn't know the true definition of the word,

Just The Facts

  1. This list has helped me previously when Ms. Simpson was 'bedded' by your author and my girlfriend came home and looked at the moving object under the sheets.
  2. Situations may vary so always be on your guard.
  3. Adapt to certain situations when needed.

Jessica Simpson is Not Cheating Handbook for Guys

We know everyone of us would try and lay Ms. Simpson in any car parked in close proximity to our garage apartment. Yet, what would you say if your over-compensating chubby little girlfriend disapproved? So, here's a list to get away with giving Ms. Simpson a bit of the good ol' horizontal refreshment with your woman/bull-dyke not getting mad! So please enjoy the "Jessica Simpson is Not Cheating Handbook for Guys."
We've all been there, pants down, a girl under the covers, and our girlfriend staring at us from the doorway, wondering why you're in bed instead of at work…yeah, we've all been there. So, This is a quick guide on what to do...especially since this time--the girl under the covers is nothing other than Ms. Simpson...Oh--yes.
Steps on using the included information:
0.When caught with your pants down by your wife or girlfriend, say these few words, "Can you hold on a second, dear, and how pretty you look today."
0.Find the Jessica Simpson is Not Cheating Handbook for Guys which you should print out and should always be conveniently stashed under your side of the bed.
0.Pretend to smell something odd and look under the covers, giving Jessica a thumbs up so she knows round 89 is on right after the stranger looking at you with leering eyes is gone.
0.Confuse your woman by muttering incoherently to yourself while you look in the Jessica Simpson is Not Cheating Handbook for Guys, finding the perfect excuse that you know would work on your woman.
0.When you find the correct one, look casual at the steaming woman in the doorway and repeat the pre-destined excuse. Example: "What are you talking about?" point to the bed, "This is your sister under here. She's family! That's not cheating!"
0.After hearing this remarkably understanding and educated excuse, your woman will most likely smile and nod, saying something like, "That's ok, dear. By the way, your dinner is in the oven." *
*This represents the best case scenario, the Jessica Simpson is Not Cheating Handbook for Guys takes no responsibility if you're beaten, drug outside by your hair, your favorite cds are thrown into a wood chipper, and your bank account is run dry, making you live out of your brother's even shittier car and eat cans of cat food until you die hungry and alone with no one to mourn for you.
The Jessica Simpson is Not Cheating Handbook for Guys 1-11:
1. Baby, she looks just like you, I swear! I thought it was you!
2. Honey, she's a fatty; you can't imagine what I went through. I'm the victim here! Can you make me some coco now?
3. Sugar Pie, it was only a hand Job. We were basically just talking.
4. Hey! Hey! Hey! No way anal is cheating!
5. Darling, no, it's your best friend Kayla under there. She said you didn't mind.
6. What did you say dear? Susan? Yes, it's her, but she's definitely not as pretty as you!
7. Teddy bear, remember what we said when we first started going out? Asians will never be considered cheating because they're just too hot.
8. Oh you got it all wrong babe, strippers aren't real people!
9. It was just an experiment for you, kitty cat. And you know what I learned? They're wrong. Blondes aren't much hotter in bed. You're the best!
10. Wait one--one second honey-bunches-- I had way too many drinks and If you only remember bits and pieces, it really doesn't count.
11. Snuggle-bug--It's Jamie, the girl I work with--I didn't want it to be awkward if I said no.
I hope this helps anyone who has Jessica Simpson on their 'lay' list for tonight or subsequent nights to come. Of course most of us with just become friendly with her via pictures and videos on the internet--what a sad, sad world we live in.