Inside The Twilight Lovers Head

Twilight is a series of books and films written for the late teen market, it makes people wanna bite or be bitten.

Just The Facts

  1. Twilight has so far had three movie adaptations and four books.
  2. Vlad the Impaler terrorised villagers and took young virgins home so his wife could bathe in their blood.
  3. Edward Cullen doesn't do this he is a "humanitarian", and eats his momma's home grown swede. He also glitters.

The twilight saga a love story

You have either seen the film, read the books, possible bought the branded popcorn, and either have a team Edward or a team Jacob t-shirt; I'm assuming this for you to read this article. Or you haven't and you have an unhealthy interest in popular culture and game to seek insight by reading this. You won't.

So anyhow a brief synopsis of the whole story without revealing any details too much in case there is anyone out there who hasn't heard of the hype. Girl moves to new town, meets mysterious boy and another boy' this one an old friend. One is a vampire whilst one is a wolf. Vampire and wolf are generally honest though wolf boy has some emotional constipation and lets vampire nearly get girl. Follows three movies of political struggle between the vamp and wolf worlds. Also within the vamp and wolf worlds. Its a human caught up in this guys.

So I recently (as research for this article only. honestly) went on a journey to my local cinema. You can see I don't get out much. I sat and watched the audience of the movie while I waited to get into the theatre itself. I felt old. There were more 12-20yr old girls in there than you could imagine. They all had better make up, hair, clothes and HANDBAGS than me! I was afraid very afraid.

...or was it just a horrific way to turn young teens into real trouble early..

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with the movie's. I'm not honestly. I just believe they fit a type. Its a glorified love story of girl caught between her choices and its rated suitable so, as its quite clean cut ('scuse.the pun) film. Its just been in make up for five years and came out embellished and frankly bedazzled. You note how the movie is aimed at teen girls? Well they have a gorgeous actor play the vampire, and it is the return of what I call 'the neogoth movement', black, clean, romantic clothing, velvety richness to reds and dark rooms (I love this finally I'm in fashion again). Until the girls who are slighter younger get aimed for on this pr hadron collider; then they get the bedazzler out and make the clean vampire who's 'humanitarian' sparkly. Just like the latest Barbie princess. As an aside I guess I'd like to make this one thing clear, we all know how this story is gonna end considering the market its aimed at. How many small teen girls do you like who have a thing for body hair? Now a werewolf has body hair at night by legend; by Twilight standards, at will. Though when the lads are just hanging round being grease monkeys and swigging Pedigree keg's they are pretty buff. But still the hair thing. Also the licking your own testes thing is so wrong in a marriage. As are puppies.

So what is in the mind of the Twilight Lovers Head? Also other people they share the theatre with.

Thought's inside a Twilight film goers head. I'm going to right you a list. Its the only way. Please stay awake.

Fan girls:- I wish Edward/Jacob would love me like that. I'll really hammer you if I hear you make one more joke that decries my favouritest film (with thumb in mouth, though beware here there have been full blown acid attacks on people who have pointed out that Twilight is indeed a bad movie). Why isn't there a man who would put his safety in jeopardy for me? I want to live as an 18 year old forever, with the beauty I have now, please bite me? Why is Bella getting all the attention here? Ok if I check over my back shortly will I see any red eyed critters trying to eat me, oh god please? I love the taste of blood in the morning... this is generally as she rubs her lips along false fangs and looks at the bruising/cuts inflicted on her partner in the last 24 hrs. I want to be Bella. Want to be Bella. WANT TO BE BELLA. DROOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and silence as we come to the finite moments... I loved that film, it was so better than the book!

Boyfriends of fan girls:- I would not in fact put my life in danger for you as I am in fact not immortal. Vampires are supposed to be violent heavy set dangerous guys, not one's that are so gay you can never be afraid of them. Sparkling Vampires? Your kidding aren't you? Where's Nosferatu? I'm blowing this off for a decent hammer horror. Did I really pay for us to watch this? Is there anything in this for me? Should have stayed longer in the toilet cubicle, she never would have noticed. Smile at her and pretend your liking it fool! She seems to be liking this, maybe just maybe this was a good first date, I may be getting laid. If I bite her a lot, maybe she'll think I'm a vampire, that way I don't have to make breakfast or coffee in the morning.

Logical people along for the ride:- My god I'm too old to be here. There's a chick in the back that just gasped with appreciation - she's on her own. That is the ruination of vampires everywhere, I will now hand in my goth cape and boots and walk into the night, my new mission to fit in with daylight lovers. What is going on with all the romancing the dead person and the mongrel anyhow? This isn't the same as the old vampire movies, but hopefully if it catches on eventually the script writing will get better, PLEASE. I'm sure hoping that vampire movies can make it through this Mills and Boons/Blacklace slaughter.

My only Twilight joke...

Should there be any choice in the young Bella's life really? You see on the one hand you have a few problems and on the other there are errr a few problems. Living the life of a chick with a vampire means you have now passed a boundary. Because necrophilia is illegal in most states. Its also a cold and smelly business. Putting the body back into the freezer/casket later takes the strength of a man. Faking your own death is illegal generally so the living for eternity lark is a little invalid. If your only meal of the day could be still pumping life wouldn't you get bored? Maybe need a change of diet? Living the life of a chick with a werewolf hosts it own iniquities. Bestiality is also illegal in most states. Hair in the teeth is always a sticky problem. Never knowing whether your coming home to man or beast (that's quite a normal marriage, scratch that), Litters, not one, but litters of little werebabies screaming and yapping round your heels to the point you want to bite them back before lunch. Your mother in law is always going to be a bitch. Your father in law will also in no uncertain terms tell you what to do. Honestly why can't a chick these days be happy with a normal man or woman for that matter.

An apology to all Twilight lovers. With a small disclaimer.

I only saw one film, and my girlfriend moved the books out before I had a chance to read them. These are obviously the impressions of a lunatic. So, if any of you have my address, my phone numbers or my email please do think carefully of the ignorant before you knock on my door with a jar of acid. Please also refrain from harrassing my friends and neighbours, I doubt they have seen the films or books either. I like my body and for a (previously) happy vampire lover am not completely useless yet. I have an aversion to hot liquids, cut break lines, stabbing and bullets. Please don't aim any of these impliment's at me.

Your right you do have a right to love Twilight, but like Jesus you don't have a right to push your religion on everyone else. Thanks Twilight Lovers. I know you understand. I'm backing away slowly and calmly, drop the stake.