6 Awesome Facts About Black Holes

BY: DEADDOLL00 (ERIKA GRIFFIN) - Did you know, somewhere this very instant in the universe, there exists an invisible ninja that eats entire planets? Well it's true! Here is a compiled list of some of the most awesome things about black holes!

Just The Facts

  1. Black holes are space ninjas!
  2. Black holes are stars
  3. Black holes are time machines!

#6 - Invisibility

There is an eternal battle waging in the cosmos, one that asks a very pertinent question of us: Which is better, ninja or pirate? The answer is obviously screw both of those guys, because black hole wins.

Above: A black hole

In the whole of the known universe thus far, it is the ninja-like powers of the Black Hole that make it the equivalent of some unseen, unheard assassin, coming for you from the depths of space. You can't see it. You can't hear it. But soon you will feel its gentle tug at your toes. But surely such a phenomenon would be easy to spot? Well, no actually, not at all.

Wait...Huh: Black holes are to matter what donuts are to the starving gimp chained in our basement. The gravitational pull of the black hole is so enormous that even light cannot escape it. Light. When the speed of light is not enough to escape something, you're either floating slowly toward an infinitely dense singularity or desperately trying to get off that fucking island. So what we're basically trying to say is: Since no light can escape the black hole, it makes it virtually invisible. The only way that one may detect a black hole outside of magical powers is to detect the high-energy radiation emitting from the objects falling into it. That last gaseous fart of absolute terror.

#5 - The Mystery

One of the main reasons that we love to read about every little detail when it comes to the many, many, many black holes floating around out there is that they are still a mystery. Scientists have limited means to spot them and still must rely on an amazing amount of luck to do so. Not to mention we have no idea what may await inside.

Except this, obviously

Wait...Huh: There are a great number of theories as to what may lie on the other side of a black hole if one were to survive the journey. Are we left to simply float in the void? Forever circling in darkness like the depths of some sucky space toilet until the black hole dissipates on its own? Does it lead to an alternate universe, perhaps, like a wormhole? Can Spock somehow use one to prevent the destruction of Vulcan? Not to mention the theory that a super-massive black hole was responsible for the Big Bang. Nobody knows for sure and it's unlikely that we will crack the secrets any time soon. In the meantime, earth is encouraged to keep building Haldron Colliders in its continuous effort to use science as an excuse to bang shit together until something happens.

#4 - A Black Hole is a Star

A black hole is essentially a dead star. You know, like the thousands we see in the sky, every night? All of them just waiting for you to turn your back so they can explode into the glorious state of universal douchebag that is the black hole.

Wait...Huh: Well, not exactly. It takes some special circumstances to create a black hole. One of said circumstances includes the mass of the dying star, which needs to be somewhere in the ballpark of 20 times the mass of our sun. During the lifespan of a star, the gravity and pressure around it tango, keeping a steady balance between both. Yet as a star dies and uses up all the fantastical things (like nuclear fuel) that keeps gravity tied down like a little bitch, gravity finally has the upper hand. Becoming the top in the relationship, gravity slowly begins collapsing the material at the core of the star until it collapses beneath its own weight.

Just like this

The core now becomes a black hole. In the center (cowering like an abused housewife) is what is left of the core, which proceeds to pack right into a single point with zero volume and infinite density. This scientific nightmare fuel is called the central singularity and can be as tiny as a single atom. An atom. Yet it possesses mass enough that it can apparently bend the galaxy over a nearby planet and screw it like a street corner whore. You want a better picture? You know that one incredibly obese friend in your circle that the rest of you take turns heaving home after another night of binge drinking? Like that, only about times nine-hundred billion.

#3 - Spaghettification

There is absolutely no good, sane reason that the term 'Spaghettification' should ever be associated with the human body. Not unless this includes giant plates of spaghetti being gentle woven into our mouths (which we totally support). Sadly, the term has less to do with deliciousness and more to do with pulling your puny sack of meat like taffy.

Not Pictured: delicious spaghetti

Don't feel quite tall enough? Well we have a solution for you! Before you jump into your rocket and fire off into the sky to hunt the shy and elusive black hole, let us give you all the details: You can tower over your friends like you've always wanted! It's just that when it's all over the pieces of you floating into the blackness of sweet death will be several feet shorter than you used to be.

Wait...Huh: So let's say that you went against our advice and happily skipped over that invisible jump rope that is the Event Horizon. Now you are free-falling slowly toward an awaiting cavity of doom with no hope whatsoever.

Above: Cavity of doom

At first nothing happens. Then you begin to feel a gentle tug around your bottom bits: toes, feet, slowly spreading up the legs. It's okay though, because it actually feels kind of good. Like a nice little stretch first thing in the morning.

Ahhhh, so good

Wait...that's enough now, you're good, thanks! What's that? It's not stopping? It's only getting worst, you say? Your feet seem to have gone on ahead of you? Now your bottom half now appears to be tearing right the fuck off the rest of you? Yeah...it happens, sorry.

The universe at work

So now your feet are floating independently, somewhere below you. Congratulations: You've entered the stage of the game where you are ripped right the hell apart on a molecular scale. Is that your ankles popping off? Your hips? Well enjoy, because this will go on until you are little more than a sprinkling of tiny fleshy parts, floating into the darkness...

#2 - Soylent Green is Planets


Have we mentioned black holes like to eat? And eat? Floating through space, devouring whole planets...Oh, we're sorry. Gave you a false sense of security there, did we? You think because you're on big, bad Earth, the mean black hole won't find you. Do you? Well you're wrong, because if it can't find you, it'll just deep-throat the earth instead, you swaggering little prick.

The sole reason the earth is doomed.

Wait...Huh: Remember that detail about a black hole having infinite density? More powerful than you could ever imagine and prone to floating around the galaxies like some thieving space hobo? All the many galaxies...you know, like say, ours! While no black holes at present have been detected near enough the earth to cause any damage, it would take only one lone black hole floating past our sun. When it was done sending a basket of fruit and nuclear winter our way and eradicating all life on our planet, it would finally move in for the kill and devour what's left. The black hole, much like an innocent kitten, would unwind our world like a ball of yarn until it broke apart and vanished. Earth? What's that?

#1 - Time Dilation

Ever wanted to travel in time without the necessity of stealing an English alien's magical police box? Well now you can...kind of: black holes are one of the instances where a form of time travel can be possible. How, you ask? Humanity is not quite at the point where we may dig through space for a black hole in its indigenous environment, club it over the head, and rope it to our time machine (not YET), but there is something.

Black holes have a hilarious tendency to consume all around them, much like the average human being. This happens to include light. And time. That's right: that sucker is just so fat with all the planetoid hamburgers it likes to eat that it affects time around it.

pictured: your typical black hole

So let's say you've hopped into the spare spaceship you made that one drunken weekend and are now comfortably orbiting the Event Horizon (or Schwarzschild radius, if unnecessarily complex scientific terms turn you on) of a black hole (basically the green zone around the black hole, go any further and you enter distinct "screw you, puny human" territory). You sit there, staring into the void, occasionally swatting Sam Neil away as he desperately shrieks somewhere in the background.


Finally you think, "Well, I've had enough cramped, insanity-inducing isolation!" and decide to return to earth. For the sake of this article, let's say you're...oh...30 years old and have a loving family waiting for you back on earth! Yay!


Wait...Huh: What? Is something wrong? You say you don't recall your infant children looking quite so weathered? Well too bad, sucker, because while you've been gone, time has moved on without you! How, you ask? Remember how we mentioned that black holes are dense? So dense, they dilate time the closer you approach, until you are in an area where time moves slower than back on earth. If you were to survive your trip into the singularity, you would find time stopping outright. So while you may have only been up there for a few weeks, the earth has basically given you the finger and moved on without you. Dick.