Eyeglasses

Eyeglasses are breakable, not as subtle as contacts, and lack the class of a monocle, but people still wear them.

Cutting Edge Technology

Just The Facts

  1. Eyeglasses, or 'spectacles', are nimble creatures, capable of balancing on even the steepest of human noses.
  2. The human nose provides a perch in which delicate glasses can be safe from harm-- thus completing the symbiotic relationship between man and inanimate object.
  3. In some cases, glasses can instantly add the illusion of integrity the appearance of the wearer.
  4. Their natural enemy is the contact lens.

Cracked on Eyeglasses.

The first wearable glasses were invented by a crafty 13th century Italian guy by the name of Salvino D'armate. The innovative design has obviously withstood the test of time as we still use them today. Traditionally, glasses were a turn-off and wearing them was such a huge obstruction to getting laid that it was likely that your 'dry spells' would cover several presidential terms. They also made you an easily identifiable target for bullies, presumably because bullies have an inherited hatred for people with weak vision. In today's world, this is no longer entirely true. Glasses can now be fashionable and actually have the ability to elevate an individual's coolness. You just need the right glasses to turn your luck around...

What your glasses say about you

Either, A) You are the prototypical nerd.

B) You fell in love with your GI glasses after they saved your ass in the jungles of Nam.

or C) Hipster

You keep up with the times. These glasses are so hot right now. Everything you own was made after 2007. By the time you get through reading this it will be time to update your look. These glasses are SO yesterday.

You thought this 'upgrade' in glasses would convince people you're athletic. The company softball team won't deny your request to join again next year, that's for sure!

Congratulations! You made a normal, modern selection whilst selecting your optical lenses. Your glasses don't say much about you other than 'you have poor vision'.

You probably can't read this without your glasses.

Your glasses have seen a lot-- the 1930's, hour after hour of JAG reruns. You are wise, kind, and you always keep a handful of hard butterscotch candy for the neighborhood kids tucked away in your pocket.

...Rapist.

Common Misconceptions about Eyeglasses.

"Glasses are for smart people."

While this seems like common knowledge, chances are you'll still mistakenly assume someone is more intelligent than they really are simply because they wear glasses. You know that guy with the glasses in the back corner of your office? Yeah, he just has astigmatism. So stop imagining that he was a mysterious janitor that proved theorems on chalk boards in the halls of MIT while nobody was around. Chances are, you are both at the same intelligence level. Chances are better, that he (and everybody else who wears glasses) just have poor vision. Well, actually not so much anymore...


"Wearing glasses means you have poor eyesight."

Recently, people have misunderstood glasses as being fashionable face decoration. The standard issue nerd goggles/Buddy Holly specs have come roaring back in these changing (and frankly a bit bewildering) times. And in most cases, these spectacles are non-functional. That's right. The glasses have no corrective properties and the majority of the time people are just trotting about, wearing glasses with nay lenses. Pre-1990s nerds are outraged with their parents for being born too soon.

Un-fucking-necessary.


"You are more attractive without your glasses."

We're not saying it's impossible that you are better looking without your glasses, but the reason you think you're a regular George Clooney is because, without your glasses, you can't see your aesthetic deficiencies as clearly. We recommend you get a friends opinion before wasting money on contacts.

Why Eyeglasses Sometimes Suck...

As human beings, it's in our nature to misplace things, because frankly, we're God's little fuck-ups. Fortunately, we can usually find whatever it is that momentarily eludes us and move on with our lives.

"Ah, there's where I put the new issue of Tiger Beat. Now I can finally take a dump!"

This is not the case when a person misplaces their glasses. Why? Because when a person loses their glasses, they need their glasses in order to find their glasses. It is an annoying endeavor in which you clumsily fumble about and mistakenly pick up anything that may resemble your glasses. After fifteen minutes of not finding them, you start to do your best Sherlock Holmes impression in a futile attempt to piece together the events that lead to the disappearance of your ocular friends. This detective work only works roughly ten percent of the time, and never works when you need them right away. The other ninety percent of the time, a person will find their missing glasses by either luck or accident-- usually by sitting on them.

Other Uses

Of course, the power of glasses is not limited to improving your eyesight...

Conceal your identity when in the presence of idiots.

A suitable database for storing coordinates to the All Spark.

Prove that your asshole ex IMF team leader is still alive via hidden eyeglass-camera.