Jerry Springer

Jerry Springer: Successful business man? Or despicable pile of feces that you would revel in throwing violently at the back-water rednecks that star on his sorry excuse for a show?

Evil incarnate.

The mocking of his audience isn't very..

Ironically, the show protrays the exact opposite of his hand gesture.

Just The Facts

  1. He profits off of displaying products of incest and fried chicken.
  2. He's a pivotal force in encouraging young people not to become like the bloated tubs of lard that star on his 30 minute segments.
  3. Distant relative to Satan, Judas and Rush Limbaugh.

Introduction to this heinous show.


Does that sound familiar?

Well, it's the cacophony of hundreds of audience members; lulled into a cult-like mental state of collective cheers and boos. It's the din of dentally handicapped detritus that deem this despicable drainage of dendrites cheer worthy. They might as well be wearing snuggies to hail their cult leader, the man who makes me lose faith in humanity, Jerry Springer.

This is a show that coaxes the dregs of society into public humiliation with whispered promises of Churches Chicken and fifteen minutes of infamy, this is the show that appears for thirty minutes on public television on Thursdays to pay tribute to the trailer trash of today, this is the single show that makes millions of people want to violently shove their phalanges into their esophagi and vomit their previous meals onto their television screens so that their retinas won't have to endure another moment of visual hell.

I hate the Jerry Springer show more than I hate back-water communities that thrive off their own feces. That's a lot of hate. This is the kind of hate that could induce a Hitler-like regime against the people who actually have a low enough I.Q. to enjoy this show.

Did you know that Springer escaped the clutches of the Nazi Regime by immigrating to New York before the senseless slaughter of Jews commenced? (Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!)

Jerry Springer's Minions.

Meet Reverend Shnorr

In 1991, the young man had an epiphany after a night of sin. In the reverend's own words:

"I awoke one morning in a parking lot using a curb for a pillow to the Voice. Though at first I thought it was a cop.


'Get up young man,' the Voice said. 'But don't wake Delores. She annoys me.'

"'Yes, officer,' I mumbled.


'I'm not a cop, you idiot. I'm the Almighty Oneness.'

Other than having a surname that sounds remarkably similar to that of Snarf from Thundercats and clearly suffering from some form of alcohol induced schizophrenia, Reverend Shnorr's trademark on this show is to tote around a bright yellow bible and attempt to resolve sin in through the mighty hand of God.

If I've ever seen a man who sold his soul to the devil, it's Reverend Shnorr. Which makes sense because he's probably under contract with the Devil himself, also referred to in these articles as Jerry Springer.

He likes to provide spiritual insight and offer short-lived epiphanies to the many corpulent wretches that appear on the show.

If you're a Christian, I'm sure that you've been induced into a liver combusting rage. Look! This man spent 17 years of his life studying the Gospel at some church with a homogeneous name, then he apparently strayed upon a road of sin, which I assume is a lifestyle characterized by knocking up Little Mary Jane rotten crotch and imbibing as much Natty Light that his blessed stomach could take.

If you Christian fellows are correct in your theory of sin equaling to an eternity of hell fires, then this man has definitely booked the penthouse in the Hellington Hotel.

Oh shit, I'm a pessimistic atheist, does this mean I'm going too?
What if I get baptized before I die? Does that mean all 70 years of sin is considered null and void? Do I make an appointment or what?

Meet Pete

A behemoth of a man, 6'3" and apparently the most sought after security team member of the minions, Pete Kelly is one beef-cake that served twelve years as an officer.

I'm sure Pete's hating every single day of his work. I'm pretty sure that this man stands before the crowd, being pelted by the noise of cheers and boos, and wonders if he is beginning to look like the fools he has to restrain on a weekly basis.

And then he realizes that he's being paid to do something that doesn't require any stimulation of the cerebral cortex and is thankful for that.

In which case, this is the perfect job for him. Congratulations Pete, if the aforementioned case is true, then fuck, thanks for contributing to the mental stagnancy of society.

Meet Jason

Bearing a striking resemblance to Dr. Evil of Mike Myer's Austin Powers, this man served as a Chicago police officer for a decade, and then decided to take an alternate career path. So, he packed up his bags, got his head waxed, kissed his mother good-bye, and sold his soul to follow Springerism*.

*Springerism: (noun) 1. The religious following of the Springer Show [see BRAINWASHING] by a routine viewing every Thursday at 9:30 Central, 8:30 Pacific. 2. Complete idiocy directed and guided by Jerry Springer [see SATAN]

Synonyms: Ignorance, Lunacy, Nonsense, Insanity, Brainlessness, Oprah Winfrey, Maury Povich Show, Chris Hanson, Jim Jones

Antonyms: Sensibility

Meet Jimmy

Prime example of a man who wasn't resistant against the mind-melt of Jerry Springer, he followed as the security leader for eleven seasons. One season of just watching this would be enough to make me want to pull an Elliott Smith and stab myself in the chest two times with a kitchen knife. If I was Jimmy, I'd settle for pulling a Sergeant Piles and shooting my head with my rifle, not my gun.

Jimmy is gets some sort of ethereal happiness from watching cretins smack the fecal matter out of each other's hair, or he's been doing a lot of Oxycontin and manages to block out the immorality of the show.

One thing is sure, he's in a world of shit.

Meet Andrew

Apparently, in America, having a bachelor's degree gives you the privilege of being part of Satan's crew. Land of opportunity or nation of soul-selling students?

One of these graduates is going to experience a soul-less existence, excellent, Satan's making soul-bank.

No, but seriously, this guy went through four years of mental enslavement only to be thrown into the low-income masses. Apparently, college doesn't do much to improve your rationale.

Jerry Springer

Meet Satan himself

I almost want to refrain from using Satan, Satan seems like a cool guy who was just a liberal thinker and decided to make a nice little place for godless heathens to live after their physical body meets an end. Occasionally, when I think of hell, I think of the South Park depiction, where everyone who isn't a Mormon goes to have weekly luau.

Personally, I like the god of the underworld better than the god of contemptible cum-nuggets of middle earth, also known as Jerry Springer.

Now, listen closely, Jerry Springer actually wanted to embark on a career before his soul met an unexpected end.

At least Faustus got some sweet powers and a cool minion named Mephastophilis.

He fashioned himself a nice little medal from Tulane, one that told everyone that he got a Bachelors in Poly Science. The man worked with Senator Robert Kennedy during his campaigns and after the Senator died (taking little bits of Springer's soul with him), Jerry joined a law firm and became a mayor.

Then he started to embark on a career in broadcasting. Now this is where, I believe, he struck a deal with Lucifer. This is when he planted the seeds of bedlam, this is when he started to possibly begin routine heroin and Quaalude intake.

"This is a great opportunity," said Jerry. "Being a talk show host gives me a chance to meet all kinds of people from all walks of life, hear about the problems that affect each of us and learn to develop an insight and sensitivity into issues that we may not have had before. I want my viewers to feel that they've been touched by and learned something about life that they may not have known before watching our show."

This was practically 30 years ago. If you're like me, you're probably wondering 'what the fuck happened?'

personally think that at one point in his life between being a realistic Jew to the stereotype of a money-hankering Jew, he started to watch Oprah and the Maury Povich Show religiously and began to contemplate a new talk show that will harvest the little welfare money of millions of Americans, who are, demographically speaking, trailer trash.

If money measured success, then he's definitely successful; 30 million dollars successful.

Oh wait, that's right, this is America. Money does measure success.

Then he gave birth to a girl, who was mentally handicapped, blind and couldn't smell the musk of evil from her father. Again, this is why I think my 'Heroin and Quaaludes' hypothesis comes in.

Thank you to my cited works