15 Things About Independence Day That Don't Settle Well With Me

Independence Day is a great movie, so I decided to write an article on it when I was just a wee lad, then everybody got butt hurt over it and I couldn't take it down, and now I refuse to.

Just The Facts

  1. My grandpa is over seven feet tall
  2. Santa claus is real
  3. Hitler only had one testicle

#15- Ballet :-)

This isn't necessarily a plot hole in the movie, but it's one part that always bugs me. After the city has been destroyed we see one of the movie's female protagonists (played by Vivica A. Fox) having a heart to heart with the first lady (Mary McDonnell).

At one point she asks Fox's character, appropriately named "Jasmine", what she does for a living. Jasmine tells her she's a dancer and she smiles and says, "Ballet".... Then I went on to say that ballet is more of a hobby than a profession... Sorry everybody, I didn't realize that Cracked.com was frequented so much by avid ballerinas and ballerinos (is that what you call a male ballerina?). Oh, and then somebody called me racist for saying that a black dancer can only be a stripper; To the racist card puller I must say this, have you ever seen the fucking Lion King on Broadway? Because I did, and there was plenty of black women in it, not only dancing, but SINGING. Singing and dancing at the same time, that's an achievement that I wish I could handle, but all I can do is write bull shit articles and masturbate at the same time, so really what I'm trying to say is that black women are more powerful than me. Vivica A Fox isn't built like a ballet dancer, and ballet is stupid anyways, if you still want to argue you can ballet dance with my dick with your mouth... that was clever right?

#14- Boobs < Aliens

This is another part that doesn't ruin the movie so much as giving you a reason to question the intelligence of the people in it. We already know that Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper, and partway through the movie is a scene were you witness her performing at an almost empty club. She looks up from her dance and notices that nobody is paying attention so she walks off stage.

Now, given that a UFO had just been sighted that morning and was currently occupying a major portion of airspace I doubt that many people's priorities still included blowing their paycheck at the local topless bar, and the fact that it was open at all is pretty surprising. But the few people that were there decided to watch the news at a club where they'd most likely pay a cover charge and spend extra money on overpriced beer? Then again maybe they didn't have cable.Put those things away! I'm trying to watch the Aliens do nothing!

#13- Way to Research.

I originally thought that the aliens only came to earth one time and that was it, but I guess they actually came to earth alot, I really have no fucking clue as to why, I mean, it was probably to watch me masturbate, which would be really ironic since my parents never even caught me like it seems most teens parents do, but dude, aliens from like ten miles away from earth (Ok maybe more like a hundred miles) came to see my jerking off, that's some wild shit man. And on that note, why where they all coming here at once to see me masturbating, they couldn't possibly all fit in my room at once, and growing up in the nineties I know what happens to people who masturbate in the open... Do you think the aliens where watching Peewee masturbate too?

Damn Right you did!

#12- Having a Blast

Giant spaceships appear over major cities worldwide, what does the military do? Secure a perimeter to keep people away? Evacuate the city? No, they allow a countless number of weirdos to gather around it like it's a giant religious altar. Then the bottom opens up and...

Can you blame them?

#11- Congested Airway

Ok so I actually said something about the walkways in the ship and how that was stupid because ships flew around there, well no matter how you slice it that's still really fucking stupid. And now counter arguments against all the arguments that where made on my argument.

If the smaller ships where all on autopilot then why the fuck did they have aliens in them in the first place? They could have been remotely controlled pretty easily right? Consider that the aliens had tractor beam technology, are you going to tell me that they didn't have the ability to pilot their crafts remotely? Also that big fucking door that Will Smith and Jewish guy escape through... Why was that so important? They really needed that big an opening to let all the ships out at once? They couldn't just fucking play nicely and leave in an orderly fashion, you clearly see them all lined up on the floor of the ship beforehand anyways, so why the hell couldn't they create some better aircraft etiquite? Answer that one smarty pants!!!

#10- Nice suit!

Yeah let me tell you that those are nice suits that the aliens are wearing. Sure they're great if you want to look like a walking helmet with Doctor Octopus tentacles, but if you expect them to stop a bullet or even a scalpel you're shit out of luck. I find it hard to believe that these highly intelligent beings would be unable to build a suit of battle armor worth anything. For God's sake Tony Stark built a better one in a cave... From a bunch of Scraps!!!!!!!!!

Like a hot knife through butter!

#9- Now you're speaking my language

Remember that horrifying scene where the scientist is grabbed by the aliens spooky tentacles and has his vocal chords hijacked so he can tell the rest of the cast that he wants them to do one thing, "Die"?

Just one question, how was that done? Have you ever spoken really fast to the point where you run out of breath? Do you know why that is? Because the air coming from your lungs are what's helping you create that noise that you call a voice. I personally haven't been able ever rub another person's throat and make them talk for me, but I'm guessing if the scene had depicted another tentacle giving the man chest compressions it would have looked pretty silly.

.Check out the upper left.


So Will Smith forces one of these aliens to crash their fighter planes to the ground and the funniest thing happens. Now I realize that this was probably only done so everybody would realize how badass he is because he's not afraid of aliens like the rest of the world, but get this. He walks to the ship right after it has crash landed, because I guess there's risk of it blowing up in his face or anything, and the doors open to reveal the alien pilot.

Remember I said that those aliens are wearing suits of armor? Well it obviously protected one from crash landing, but it couldn't protect it from Will Smith's Falcon Punching ability seeing as how he punches it in the face and knocks it out in one hit. I remember after seeing this scene I started carrying around a cigar with me wherever I went just in case I ever got the opportunity to punch an alien in the face, because I wanted to be awesome too and relax with a cigar after knocking out an extra terrestrial with one blow.Welcome to Earth!

#7- Like a gun driving a tank.

That brings me to my next point, why was it wearing that armor in the first place? I'm starting to think that their alien leaders are like overbearing mothers who make their children wear every form of padding imaginable when they first start riding a two wheel bike, so in case their bikes happen to magically become twenty stories high and they fall off they won't suffer any injuries.

I guess the ship having a forcefield capable of withstanding the blast from an atomic bomb wasn't enough.


#6- Come with me if you want to live?

This entire scene bugs me for a few reasons, but I think what happens a few minutes later confuses me further. Will Smith wraps this unconscious alien up in his parachute and starts aimlessly dragging it through the desert. I'm guessing it's so he could occupy himself while searching for civilization by bitching it out for smelling bad and ruining the barbecue that he could have had. I don't even know if Will Smith was sure it was dead or not, but I'm guessing that when you can knock out an alien with one punch it makes dragging its 300 pound body around the desert a fairly safe operation.He even rides in the back of the truck with it.

#5- Safe-T-Glass

Another thing about that scary scene where the alien is jerry rigging the scientists throat so he can talk for him and the only thing that could have made that more disturbing is if the alien had shoved it's tentacles up his ass and made him into a postmortem sock puppet. Why did it stay in the autopsy room and not attack the people on the other side of the glass? It was only glass! It probably felt pretty damn stupid for two seconds before it died from getting shot in the head from beyond the glass for assuming that the thin transparent sheet between him and his enemies was bullet proof and therefore he must not be able to smash through it himself. Not to mention that it was an autopsy room window, so I guess it's pretty standard for rooms that have maybe been used two or three times in the past to study something that's already dead to sport a giant indestructible wall so nothing escapes.

This Glass Bulletproof?

#4- Take me to your Leader.

Independence Day has given us one of the most memorable explosions in movie history, the White House explosion. Surely the display of an unstoppable alien front obliterating the government which we've struggled in the past so hard to establish is one of the most upsetting acts of defiance one could witness. there's only one problem. How did the aliens know that the white house held any significance at all? Was the Taj Mahal defaced in any way because that building looks a hell of a lot more majestic than the white house. They could have been blowing up a giant meth lab for all they knew. But I suppose if they wanted to blow up everything they had to start somewhere, what a coincidence though...

Just another white house.

#3- Wired!

I love how after decades of sitting around in an underground military base that UFO suddenly springs back to life once the mothership draws near. It's like a dog laying around the house all day and then suddenly going bat shit crazy once its owner gets home. It's also kind of interesting how it only takes about two hours for Jeff Goldblum to instal a port to plug in his laptop and successfully gain control of the ship with it. Good thing alien technology runs on Windows 95 eh? It reminds me too much of the way the Ghostbusters are able to control the statue of Liberty using a NES Advantage controller.

Try using the Konami Code!

#2- Bye-Bye Daddy

Now's one of the biggest problems with this movie. Sure it caused a tear jerking moment, I can understand that. Here's the problem, we're expected to believe that the United State's remaining air force completely ran out of missiles and there was absolutely nobody left around except this poor farmer with a grudge? And the only missile left was jammed under the wing?

The thing is, whatever was underneath this large UFO when it was firing its lazar was gone as soon as the ship showed up. Everybody knew what it could do, why would they stay underneath it once it showed up? That's the thing, they wouldn't. So there was no option to let them fire this lazar into empty space while the crew restocked their weapons and came back for round 2? I guess not...

Hello Boys!!! I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!

#1- Happily ever after?

Ok, now you're wondering what is the biggest plot hole in this movie? I'll tell you what it is. The fact that it ends. These aliens came from millions and possibly billions of miles away to take our planet and we blow them the hell away, and now what? Well you know that lightning never strikes the same place twice... But this isn't lighting we're talking about, it's an entire race of aliens that needs a new planet to live on. I highly doubt they brought their entire population on that ship while they were invading. They probably had more waiting on some other planet and the chances are they're going to come back and this time use a computer operating system on their ship that has some form of virus protection installed on it so the entire thing won't happen again! Maybe next time they should also wear body armor that will actually do some form of protecting instead of just looking scary! That's if they come back at all, but now that I think about it if I was those aliens I'd be too humiliated to come back again anyways.