Role Players

We've all seen them; those lonely High School kids or older men who can't cope with reality. They would rather done a costume and act like something someone else made. This article will help to try and explain why.

Now the real question is

Just The Facts

  1. Role Players will often times seek each other out in an attempt to feel less lonely. These places include conventions and basements with soda and chips.
  2. There is no such thing as the 'Best Costume Ever' with Role Players. No matter how truly shitty their costume really is, it's always the best.
  3. It is often times thought that Role Players who are 'wizards' can cast spells, when really it's just them throwing Play-Doh or soemthing similar.
  4. Many 'Lucas Players' (Knwon to take aspects of Star Wras and Indiana Jones mostly) with attempt the Jedi Mind Trick. Only one has been known to succeed.
  5. Very rarely does the Role Player actually create something truly original. More often that not, it's based off of something someone has made.

Background of the Role Player

We have always been told as children that our imaginations are one of the best qualities we possess. It let's us travel to other worlds entirely, saving the Princess from the evil Robot Monkey Pirates of Pluto, or letting us find the Lost Temple of Hog-Swanboard.

Her father didn't know what to make of this when he saw it.

But what happens when we take these thoughts a bit too far? Often times, we have trouble with people understanding the concept of when to stop, whether it be imagining or simply wanting to learn more about one particular thing, putting everything else aside so they can rise their mystical steed known as Buttercup through the magic lands of Jubilee and fight the evil six headed pig monster named Reggie (Otherwise known as your 85 year old neighbor with a hearing problem and missing leg thanks to Vietnam).

No one really knows where the Role Player first originated. Some people speculate it's just a group of sad and lonely forty year olds who found out the sewing could actually lead to them looking like their favoite super heroes...

You laugh now, but he's met Obama.

...Or these people could have been employees from a Renaissance Fair who took their jobs WAY too seriously. There is even speculation, however far fetched and obviously false this maybe, that our own children (Yes, the thing that came out your wife's vagina nine months after the condom broke) could be the very cause of everything we now know as 'Role Players.'

They're starting young.

One recent theory was passed that these people have common interests with pop culture. Many times, when asked about their 'costumes,' they will try and speak in a different language (One you know you'll never understand), wave around some plastic instrument (I've often times heard of these as 'Lightsabers'), and run around like a chicken with their head cut off, undoubtly offending someone (Star Trek Nerds, no doubt).

But when asked about why they dress up, the names Katy Perry and Lady Gaga often come into the conversation as 'Inspiration' to dress up and act silly. Should these people be to blame? Who knows.

Truly and inspiration to us all.

Steps to help avoid becoming a 'Role Player.'

Many people feel that Role players should just be outlawed. They pollute our air with constant arguments over whether or not Han Solo could kick Captain Kirk's ass, or if Goku really is an alien, or the result of an atomic explosuion, similar to that of the Incredible Hulk. If you are one of these people, who doesn't want to be a Role player, then follw these instructions. They may prove useful.

#1: Avoid all contact with any Role players:

It seems simple enough, right? Just don't talk to anyone that looks like a shaved version of Chewbacca or something out of a music video by The Used. But what happens when you go to the mall, unaware of the fact that today is Costume Day, where certain stores give discounts for wearing a Costume? And what about Halloween? How will you know whether or not the people coming to your door are actually Trick-Or-Treaters, Role Players, or your landlord who wants you rent from the past six months and is clutching an eviction notice.

The best way to do this is survaillance devices. Whether you carry a camera around with you to video tape behind you, or et up a bunch of cameras and trip wires around your home to detect them is completely up to you. You can also just not answer your door or just don't ever go out again. I hear Tivo is nice, and you can have people deliver food to your home...

Wait..Tivo? Why did you record 3 hours of the Gilmore Girls?!?! ARRRGGGHHH!

#2: Carry Regulation Anti-Role Player Equipment And Armor At All Times:

Unfortunately no such thing has come into fruition yet (or at least not that I've been able to find). But a Baseball bat and football pads should suffice.

#3: Organize A Group Of Loyalists To Escape In The Event Of World Wide Take Over:

Imagine the worst possible thing has happened; Role Players have taken over. We have a military based around the concept of the Lord of the Rings; Our president is an over weight man wearing a Marty McFly outfit; School courses include The History of Marvel Comics and What Tolkien Was Trying To Tell Us About Ourselves.

The best thing to do is prepare now. Get a group of people you know will not succome to this plague, organize weaponry and previsions, and be ready to move at the first signs of trouble. Think of it like a Zombie plague, but with Super Saiyans, wizards and ninjas mixed into the fray.


#4: Suicide:

This is obviously the most tragic of all the options, but if you really don't want to deal with it, then take a real gun (Not some plastic blaster pistol some nerd gave you), put it in your mouth, and hope you go where these Role Palyers can't get to.

#5: Just Cope With It, But Don't Become Part Of It:

Many people simply ignore what they know, like Jesus really looked like a Pakistany and Pluto is a planet. The same concept could work for Role Players. Tests have been done where normal citizens have been unleashed into crowded areas of these Role players, and they came out with out any change in their ability to understand. Be warned though; Temptations lie at even the lightest of areas.

Lucas you crafty son of a bitch.