Trojan War

The greatest and most devastating war in ancient history, and like all wars it was over some chick's pussy.

Basically how it went down

Just The Facts

  1. Involved the greatest warriors in the world (Achilles and Hector)
  2. The entire war lasted 10 years
  3. The story is widely believed to have been created by a Simpsons character
  4. The modern equivalent of the US and USSR going to war for 10 years (yes it was that epic)
  5. Has nothing to do with Trojan condoms, disappointingly enough


So how does extremely this violent and bloody war start out? Increased tensions, the desire for an empire, or maybe the Greeks were kicking Trojan messengers into a bottomless pit.

Suprisingly (or perhaps unsuprisingly), the whole ordeal was over some pussy. But not just any pussy, the Lamborghini of all pussy... Helen, a daughter of Zeus. It all starts out with the big divine wedding of Peleus and Thetis, a sea-goddess, attended by all the various gods. Everyone was invited, except for one person. That was Eris. You cant blame them for not inviting her, after all she was goddess of conflict and anger (the last things a wedding needs). Being the crazy jealous bitch she is, to exact revenge she throws a golden apple onto a table at the wedding banquet. The apple of discord.

goldenapple.jpg Apple of Discord image by iteration2

Awwwww, shit.


Eris told them that the apple belonged to whoever was the fairest, and right away, Hera, Athena and Aphrodite all reached for the apple. But Zeus, being the God of all Gods, stepped in and he was all "nuh-uh". He decided that Paris, prince of Troy and hottest man on Earth, would be the judge.

Paris did not pick the fairest one as the winner. He picked the one with the best bribe. Hera and Athena promised him power and wealth, but Aphrodite, being the goddess of romance and such, knew that the best way to make a man do what you want is a promise of some pussy. She promised him the most beautiful woman in the world. Of course he chose Aphrodite, and she told him that some chick called Helen, who was married already, would be his wife.

So Paris set off for Sparta to kidnap his future wife (how romantic) even though some prophets tried to tell him not to. He did not listen to them. He got there, and Menelaus, Helen's husband, treated him like a royal guest, just to have Paris abduct Helen, his beautiful wife, the minute he left town to go to a funeral. Also, Paris stole a shit ton of Menelaus' wealth. Probably not one of Menelaus' happier days. Helen did not stop him, and even perhaps went willingly

Meh. I've seen better.

Back in Troy, Helen and Paris got married. It's your classic, kidnap-the-girl-you-wanna-marry-she'll-love-it-trust-me story. And up to that point, it was working out pretty well for Paris.

The Greeks Getting Ready

As you may guess, Menelaus was thrilled! Finally, that horrible woman off his hands, and so much less money to bother with!

Not so. He started a fucking war. He got together all of Helen's old suitors, because they'd all taken an oath a long time ago that they all had Menelaus' back if he was going to defend Helen's honor, and really, who else would come out to fight in a war just for some guy who wanted his chick back? Turns out, even most of the suitors didn't want to go to war. Odysseus tried acting all insane to get out of it, and Cinyras promised to send 50 ships instead of fighting. However, that little son of a bitch ended sending one real ship, and 49 toy boats.

Menelaus got Achilles to come fight even though he had never been Helen's suitor, because some psychic seer said that they couldn't win in Troy without him. And in Ancient Greece, you always do what psychic people say. Which Paris had not done, by taking Helen in the first place. The consequences of which we will learn about shortly.

There was a short little disruption before the Greek fleet could leave, however. Agamemnon, someone going to war with Menelaus, had killed one of Diana's sacred stags or made a careless boast or some shit, and Diana was pissed off and calmed the seas so that the fleet could not take off. Agamemnon sacrificed his daughter, no big deal, and Diana let the Greek ships set off in search for Troy.

Just fucking sacrifice your own daughter, ass hole. She won't mind, as long as it'll get this war started. What a dick.

Looking for Troy, and Not Finding it

The Greeks, it turned out, actually didn't know where to look for Helen. For some reason they were under the impression that the Teuthranians had taken her, even though they denied it. The Greeks went ape shit on their Teuthranian asses and though they came out in the end mostly alive, they'd lost tons of their soldiers, and they still had no idea where the hell Helen was or how to get to Troy.

They went home.

The king of the Teuthranians, Telephus, had been wounded by Achilles during the Greeks' time there, and he travelled to Greece to have his wound fixed up. The whole Trojan war could have been avoided if an oracle had not told the king that the only person who could cure him was the one who had wounded him, Achilles. He got Achilles to fix him in return for Telephus letting the Greeks know how to find Troy.

Looking for Troy, and Finding it

Odysseus and Menelaus went to get Helen. They tried being nice. They demanded Helen and the wealth that Paris had stolen, but their offer was refused. Odysseus and Menelaus went home and let everybody know to get ready for a huge fucking war.

The War

For the first nine years of the war, Greece fought against Troy and the surrounding kingdoms who'd been helping out. Troy's economy was destroyed while the Greeks got all the chicks. Honestly. The Greeks gathered a rather large amount of resources and spoils of war, which included women.

985-309x316.jpg Achilles giving his deah blow image by binx_the_man

The women aquired by the Greek in no way got the bad end of the deal, as demonstrated in the above photograph. I mean, daaayyyuuummm.

The Greeks pretty much owned in all the important battles, execpt for one: they could not break down the walls of Troy. After a while, Achilles, the great Greek hero that they apparently needed so badly to win this war, was killed by Paris.

Once more, a prophet gave the Greeks some advice that was totally logical, saying that Greece would never conquer Troy unless Achille's son, Pyrrhus, fought in the war, they used Hercules' bow and arrows, some guy's remains were brought to Troy, and they stole a statue of Athena. The Greek did all these things, and then they had this awesome idea.

The Trojan Horse

To get into Troy, Odysseus apparently had help from Athena in thinking up The Trojan Horse. It was gonna be bitchin'. It would be huge, wooden, and with hollow insides so that the soldiers could hide inside it. The horse was built, and some Greeks climbed inside, including Odysseus. The rest of them (most likely the claustrophobics) sailed away, and the Trojans thought that they were rid of the Greek for good.

One man, Sinon, got left behind to play the part of poor Greek left behind by his army and ready to begin a new life as a Trojan. All the people of Troy came to admire the giant horse, and Sinon was all "Oh yeah, this horse? It's great! You get extra good luck if you bring it inside your damn unpenetrable walls!"

There were only two Trojans who bothered to question the origin of this horse, unlike the others who just assumed it was a gift from the gods, possibly in reward for persevering through the war against the Greeks. They dragged the horse into Troy, and celebrated what they thought was a victory.

That night, once the population of Troy was completely wasted or already passed out after celebrating their big win, Sinon let the Greeks out of the horse, and they slaughtered the Trojans. Priam, the big man in charge around there, was killed while he was huddling near Zeus' altar, and Cassandra, one of the two Trojans who had spoken out against the horse, was pulled down from the statue of Athena and raped.

That last part seems to be taking things just a bit too far.


To signify the end of the war, Priam's daughter and the son of Hector were sacrificed. Menelaus had been planning to kill Helen, because that was the entire point of the whole damn war, but he couldn't because of Helen's crazy beauty and seductiveness. All the surviving Trojan women were divided up for the Greek men to take as party favors, along with some other shit that's not as interesting, and the Greeks went home.

The moral of this story may have possibly been: invite all the crazy bitches to your wedding lest they drop crazy apple bombs on you and ten-year long wars break out.