Casino games are anti-charity, donating your money to those far MORE fortunate than yourself.
Just The Facts
Casinos require money to exist.
Casinos exist.
Casinos must therefore take your money, Q-E-Duh.
The Existential Con
If you can see a casino, it must logically take money from the people who enter. That is its entire function.
Casinos spend more on electricity in an hour than you're worth. And we're not talking "earnings", we're talking "sold to organ dealers."
Everyone entering a casino already knows this, and in proof that humanity has failed the world's first architectural intelligence test, every day thousands believe that they are the one cunning customer who'll beat the system - no matter what logic, math, or their own life to date might suggest.
It's widely accepted that the next stage in human evolution won't be signaled by psychic powers or glowing peacenik energy beings, but when people stop going to casinos.
Fun fact: many casinos accept welfare checks!
Warning: this fact may temporarily turn you libertarian with rage.
Reassurance: as long as you have frontal lobes, libertarianism is very temporary.
The House NEVER Loses
Casinos never lose, not even to the people who spent millions of dollars building them. In the first business-based version of a scientist screaming "You cannot do this, I CREATED YOUUUGGHHH!", the "Lakes of the Torches" Indian casino exploited a legal loophole to get out of paying the fifty million dollar loan used for its own construction. This is the closest any institution has ever come to physically pantsing capitalism.
Not to say that casinos are the first parasite with plumbing, an exploitation of hope representing the death by crucifixion of the American Dream, but they're planning the "Mason Dixon Casino" by the fields of Gettysburg. If you don't see a problem with that, congratulate your parents on being the last generation of actual Americans as opposed to self-powered debt sinks.
Slot Machines
Slot machines are interactive intelligence tests - you're allowed four "ooh, what's this/getting rid of spare change" games and every spin after that is one IQ point below average. The only excuse for humans being hypnotised by flashing lights and beeping noises is Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In a mechanical parody of increasingly spherical Americans, you don't even need to pull the lever anymore - there's a cute little "lose money" button you can press instead. Even lab rats get sick of pressing the little button eventually, and they get free food they need to stay alive for doing that.
Don Burmania, spokesman of the Colorado Division of Gaming, is on record as stating "When you play a slot machine and press the bottom the outcome is pretty much determined immediately by a series of random number generators. The rest is bells and whistles." They are so confident that their players don't think and honestly probably don't even read they're just admitting it.
Poker
Poker has enjoyed an explosion of popularity thanks to the world's most boring TV shows, in yet more proof that America is determined to get everything ass-backwards. It turns out Texas Hold'Em looks really easy when you can see 'Em!
It's by far the best game in any casino in that it's actually possible for someone to win, but unless you live there that "someone" isn't you. It's a lie that every poker game features a sucker - in casinos they frequently feature several suckers (who pay the house to be there), one decent player (who often pays the house a commission to be there winning), and the house (which takes a rake and therefore wins at poker without having any cards).
Roulette has been called the "King of Casino Games", possibly because it's an utterly skill-free parody of everyone who plays it. It was invented by genius physicist Blaise Pascal in what he thinks was a failed attempt to create a perpetual motion machine. He didn't live to see the wheel continually re-spun by the infinite energy source of human stupidity, proving he'd actually succeeded!
The house advantage ("edge") on a roulette wheel is the 0 which gives everything except actual bets on 0 to the house, and in a victory over karma and basic mathematics even betting on the house has a negative expected value ("You will lose money you dumbass").
The first wheels had a zero and a double-zero. In 1843 a German casino removed the double-zero to compete with other casinos by not screwing their customers quite so badly. American casinos took one look at their customers and put that double-zero right back on there. And then added a triple-zero. And in a parody of the Patriot Act over a century before the fact, they called the third zero "American Eagle" so people couldn't complain about it. U-S-A! U-S-A!
The only people to ever consistently win against roulette have done so by finding broken wheels. Even Einstein said "You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it," and if you think you're smarter than Albert you go right ahead. No, wait, come to our place instead. We'll buy a table just for you.
Blackjack
Las Vegas explained in one game: it's actually possible to win with a simple strategy, and if you do it they'll break your thumbs and ban you. Understand: instead of replacing a game that's beatable, casinos find it easier to replace the players after beating them.
It's technically illegal for casinos to ban someone for counting cards, but it is legal to ban anyone they like for any reason at all, so it's nice to know where the law stands (actually inside the casino's pocket gently stroking their inner thigh.)
The more decks they use, the greater the house advantage. Most casinos use eight decks, quadrupling their advantage in a game the player isn't allowed to win at anyway.
American Baccarat
There are three kinds of Baccarat. North American Baccarat, Punto Banco, is the only one with absolutely no skill involved. None - the 'player' and 'banker' don't even get to choose when to take cards, the entire thing is entirely predetermined, and it's one of the highest-stakes games in America. Us smart! You may have noticed that the American version of any game seems designed to screw you harder. Just remove the word "seems" and you'll have learned something.
James Bond does not play Punto Banco, as per his standard "Don't get stuck in a stupid trap without any chance of escape" operating procedure. He plays Chemin de Fer, where you have the choice of taking a third card or not and therefore only probably play exactly as you would in Punto Banco.
Casino Craps
The original version of craps contained a flaw where people could actually win. The sarcastically-named John Winn introduced a new rule that fixed the hell out of that. Casino craps has been an incredible parody of religion and mob-based cash-extraction services (aka "an even better parody of religion") ever since. You obey utterly arbitrary rules, often with crazy and dangerous local variations, you invoke bizarre rituals which have never been proven to affect anything before rolling the dice, and the smarter bet ("Don't Pass") is shunned by the mob as taboo. To which we have to say: Well done, casinos, for making even Scientology look like someone begging for quarters in the street.
There are two stages to rolling craps. (Note: the word "crapshoot" means a stupid, risky, deeply problematic bet. This is not a coincidence.)
In the "come-out roll" there are two combinations where you win and three where you instantly lose, including double-six aka "midnight/boxcars": the craps version of the roulette zeroes, a magic "the house just makes money because" number. The fact every casino version of a game has such a number, where non-casino versions of the same games don't, does nothing to dissuade idiots, sorry, players. For any other result you've now set the "point" as that value.
The most likely result from rolling two dice is a seven. To win in a "point" roll the shooter must now roll the point before rolling a seven. People know this and still play the game. The "best" points are 6 and 8, where people can bet extra at 6-5 odds. For those who understand what those strange non-letter squiggles are, that means you can win 20% or lose your entire bet, and people apparently do this all the time. But if we were to hit them in their stupid head and take their money, we'd be criminals.
How To Enjoy Casino Games
Casinos can actually be a lot of fun. Not nearly as much fun as spending your money on actual goods or services, but just think of it as paying a $100 to see Transformers 2 and you'll be fine: only waste money you can spare, don't do it too often, and know that you're paying money to someone who built their entire career out of knowing you're an idiot.
I like casinos. I usually take no more than 40 bucks. The same amount of money that would normally be consumed in bottles of booze in the same situation. I play a few slot machines, I sit at a couple blackjack tables, save enough to stuff my face at the delicious buffet, usually grab a free cocktail at some point in the night. When the forty bucks is gone, I wander around trying to chat up pretty foreign girls, and watch some of the live music. Then I leave. It makes for an entertaining night.
I have a rule. If I win more money than I brought in, I stop gambling for the night.
-1
The decisions you make in blackjack are hardly irrelevant. By playing proper basic strategy, you can lower the house edge to less than one percent (depending on various other rules) which is the lowest house edge of any casino game by far. Counting cards is not a strategy, it's specifically defined as cheating. Counting cards is a "way to win" at blackjack the same way kicking someone in the groin is a "way to win" a boxing match.
Cheating in a casino is usually defined (legally speaking) as using some sort of mechanical device to increase your expectations. In Las Vegas, they can (and will) arrest you for cheating in a casino, but not for counting cards. Thus, counting is not considered cheating in Vegas.
So to sum up: everyone is stupid, Americans are particularly stupid, libertarians are stupid (somehow, out of nowhere), all Casino owners are crooks, American casinos are especially crooked, anyone who gambles is a moron, anyone who plays poker is a moron, poker is boring, the law is crooked, and you're a very, very angry man. Hey, I'm all for ripping on stupidity, but randomly inserting your own political opinions into an article that's totally unrelated (eg so about those casinos... libertarians sure are stupid, huh?) and making the whole thing a bitter rant just doesn't do it for me. A lot of the jokes were decent, but I couldn't get over the feeling that you meant every word of it and wrote it all while clenching your teeth.
When I started my last job, my new boss was BS'n with me and asked if I liked going to casinos or gambling. I said, "No, I graduated from high school."
He was no longer very friendly with me after that.
People ask me why I don't gamble. I always respond with "There's no challenge". And it's true, knowing your always going to lose in the long run is no challenge.
If you play to win then you would be right. However plenty of intelligent people play in a social setting for entertainment. In that case, throwing some money down on gambling and drinks is no different then going to the movies.
As opposed to "playing to lose"?
Throwing $ down on gambling & drinks is completely different than going to a movie, even in the light-hearted social capacity you've mentioned, respectfully speaking.
The movie never asked you to compete against your "friends" (also, the movie never got drunk & pissed @ you for winning). The movie is engaging. Or, you are engaging several ppl for 'x'.
Nothign wrong w/ a friendly game between friends, that's cool. But ironically, when money comes between them, particurlarly with drunkeness in tow, things get ugly fast. A bad movie is just a bad movie, predetermined. Actively f'ing over a friends isn't.
The people who write for this website are way too cynical and immediately blast the s**t out of anything they don't fully understand. Most people know theyre not going to beat the house, theyre just there for free shrimp and exorbitantly expensive entertainment.
"Free" shrimp? You get free drinks, too, provided you remain blissfully unaware that the casino is only keeping your belly full and your inhibitions down so that you'll keep giving them more money. A rare definition of "free".
Really, you can't be too cynical when it comes to casinos.
That's a maxim that has lasted centuries and for good reason.
If you can afford to piss away a little disposable income, can levy reason over pride, will put priority ahead of fun (your car, kids, house vs. that "gut feeling"), by all means, enjoy...
Everything in moderation. But you forfeit the right to b***h about getting financially raped when the odds are well known...
Only one problem...there is ONE bet and one bet ONLY in craps where the house has no statistical advantage; the odds bet. Sure, if you pony up to a table, lay down some cash and get some chips you still have to put down the minimum. After that, you lay the odds bet behind the come out chips--AND NOTHING MORE. Most people start losing their minds and putting chips on everything from 6 the hard way to a bet you will lose on your next dice toss. Don't do that. Odds bet and odds bet only. Sure, it's boring and takes more time but your chances of winning are at least on par as your chances of losing. I routinely win $300 to $500 a night (read that 4 - 5 hours of playing) with that bet and that bet only. Everything else in the article is pretty much spot on, especially about American casinos. Slots have between 10% and 25% take-out (house profit) depending on the casino. The thing that cracks me up the most?: Penny Slots.
Wow, you are one of the dumb people this article is talking about. Yes, the odds bet has no house edge. You do have to place the minimum bet on the pass line in order to take odds though. That pass line bet does have a house edge of 1.4%. If the minimum is $5 then you're paying the casino about $2/hr to play.
If you routinely win $300 to $500 a night then you slightly more often lose $300 to $500 a night. God people like you are dumb.
By the way, it's not illegal to ban a player for counting cards except for in Atlantic City.
We have found the reincarnation of Jesus on cracked! Only Jesus can routinely win $300 a night playing a game with even odds (I'm going to ignore the fact that its not because mackor covered it) I hope you live near a casino because you would be pulling in 6 figures as a full time professional $5 craps player...
As a Casino dealer I agree with everything here. It's amazing how people shut off their brains and trick themselves into thinking they'll beat the house somehow.
Shutting off they're brains isn't that big a factor into it.
Working at a casino you should know they're LITERALLY built to keep you there psychologically.
From the lighting right down to the carpet pattern.
Epic :) But there is only one way to win against the casinos... don't play, and they will slowly perish like a gravestone left alone to crumble under the weight of the sands of time...
I actually know someone who won over 50 million in poker. The casino couldn't afford to pay him, so now he get joint ownership or something. In other words, when the casino gets money, he gets money.
I once met a buddy at a casino and had an extra dollar so I put it in the first dollar slot I saw. Won 100 dollars with that first pull and cashed out knowing I would never win again :P
Slot machines are amazing. There are guys over at the high stakes tables throwing down thousands every bet yet the casinos largest revenue earner are the penny slots. That should tell you something about the odds on those machines. I'll never understand the appeal of slots, especially because you only press a button.
The appeal is that every slot machine will eventually hit a jackpot, no one knows when that will be, but it's obvious that every time you get nothing is one spin closer to becoming a millionaire! And you can't leave before you win... then the next person to come along gets all of your work and investment for free! That's just bad business sense.
I think slot players suffer more from a lottery fallacy (someone's gotta win big. May as well be me) than a gambler's fallacy. If you want gamblers fallacy, go for roulette/ craps/ keno.
you cant count blackjack anymore, they use an unlimited deck, ie a random assortment of over a million cards. its really easy to count one deck though, but you'd be cheating your friends not a casino.
The trick to blackjack is stay away from the large dollar denomination tables. They don't pay as much attention to card counters there. I only play blackjack just enough to cover the rooms for the week then I quit gambling. Takes about 6 hours at the $5 table.
You realize that card counting is dependent on adjusting your bet based on the contents of the shoe right? If you're stuck at a $5 table, there's not much to gain from modifying your bet.
Just as J0E says. The low-end tables typically run $5 minimum to $50 maximum. I sit at one of those tables for about 6 hours and cover the rooms. The casino still gets plenty of my money in the end since I'm not going to waste more than 5-6 hours gambling and spend plenty of shows, food, and souveniers. Which is probably why they don't seem to care if they did notice. All they did was comp me the room, the least expensive part of the whole operation.
A little bugged by this statement: 'Reassurance: as long as you have frontal lobes, libertarianism is very temporary.'
ReplyI like casinos. I usually take no more than 40 bucks. The same amount of money that would normally be consumed in bottles of booze in the same situation. I play a few slot machines, I sit at a couple blackjack tables, save enough to stuff my face at the delicious buffet, usually grab a free cocktail at some point in the night. When the forty bucks is gone, I wander around trying to chat up pretty foreign girls, and watch some of the live music. Then I leave. It makes for an entertaining night.
ReplySame here, you just need moderation (and acceptance from the beginning that h=the money you are betting is lost)
I have a rule. If I win more money than I brought in, I stop gambling for the night.
The decisions you make in blackjack are hardly irrelevant. By playing proper basic strategy, you can lower the house edge to less than one percent (depending on various other rules) which is the lowest house edge of any casino game by far. Counting cards is not a strategy, it's specifically defined as cheating. Counting cards is a "way to win" at blackjack the same way kicking someone in the groin is a "way to win" a boxing match.
ReplyCheating in a casino is usually defined (legally speaking) as using some sort of mechanical device to increase your expectations. In Las Vegas, they can (and will) arrest you for cheating in a casino, but not for counting cards. Thus, counting is not considered cheating in Vegas.
So to sum up: everyone is stupid, Americans are particularly stupid, libertarians are stupid (somehow, out of nowhere), all Casino owners are crooks, American casinos are especially crooked, anyone who gambles is a moron, anyone who plays poker is a moron, poker is boring, the law is crooked, and you're a very, very angry man. Hey, I'm all for ripping on stupidity, but randomly inserting your own political opinions into an article that's totally unrelated (eg so about those casinos... libertarians sure are stupid, huh?) and making the whole thing a bitter rant just doesn't do it for me. A lot of the jokes were decent, but I couldn't get over the feeling that you meant every word of it and wrote it all while clenching your teeth.
ReplyTry lightening it up a bit.
Pretty good article: witty, interesting, informed and not too long. Keep writing.
ReplyI've seen so many IQs fall from the blinking lights, it's kindda funny to see actually (I go to casinos to see people lose money).
ReplyWhen I started my last job, my new boss was BS'n with me and asked if I liked going to casinos or gambling. I said, "No, I graduated from high school."
ReplyHe was no longer very friendly with me after that.
People ask me why I don't gamble. I always respond with "There's no challenge". And it's true, knowing your always going to lose in the long run is no challenge.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf you play to win then you would be right. However plenty of intelligent people play in a social setting for entertainment. In that case, throwing some money down on gambling and drinks is no different then going to the movies.
As opposed to "playing to lose"?
Throwing $ down on gambling & drinks is completely different than going to a movie, even in the light-hearted social capacity you've mentioned, respectfully speaking.
The movie never asked you to compete against your "friends" (also, the movie never got drunk & pissed @ you for winning). The movie is engaging. Or, you are engaging several ppl for 'x'.
Nothign wrong w/ a friendly game between friends, that's cool. But ironically, when money comes between them, particurlarly with drunkeness in tow, things get ugly fast. A bad movie is just a bad movie, predetermined. Actively f'ing over a friends isn't.
It seems like Mr Bunny has some really petty friends.
The people who write for this website are way too cynical and immediately blast the s**t out of anything they don't fully understand. Most people know theyre not going to beat the house, theyre just there for free shrimp and exorbitantly expensive entertainment.
Reply"Free" shrimp? You get free drinks, too, provided you remain blissfully unaware that the casino is only keeping your belly full and your inhibitions down so that you'll keep giving them more money. A rare definition of "free".
Really, you can't be too cynical when it comes to casinos.
"A fool and his money are soon parted."
That's a maxim that has lasted centuries and for good reason.
If you can afford to piss away a little disposable income, can levy reason over pride, will put priority ahead of fun (your car, kids, house vs. that "gut feeling"), by all means, enjoy...
Everything in moderation. But you forfeit the right to b***h about getting financially raped when the odds are well known...
Only one problem...there is ONE bet and one bet ONLY in craps where the house has no statistical advantage; the odds bet. Sure, if you pony up to a table, lay down some cash and get some chips you still have to put down the minimum. After that, you lay the odds bet behind the come out chips--AND NOTHING MORE. Most people start losing their minds and putting chips on everything from 6 the hard way to a bet you will lose on your next dice toss. Don't do that. Odds bet and odds bet only. Sure, it's boring and takes more time but your chances of winning are at least on par as your chances of losing. I routinely win $300 to $500 a night (read that 4 - 5 hours of playing) with that bet and that bet only. Everything else in the article is pretty much spot on, especially about American casinos. Slots have between 10% and 25% take-out (house profit) depending on the casino. The thing that cracks me up the most?: Penny Slots.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWow, you are one of the dumb people this article is talking about. Yes, the odds bet has no house edge. You do have to place the minimum bet on the pass line in order to take odds though. That pass line bet does have a house edge of 1.4%. If the minimum is $5 then you're paying the casino about $2/hr to play.
If you routinely win $300 to $500 a night then you slightly more often lose $300 to $500 a night. God people like you are dumb.
By the way, it's not illegal to ban a player for counting cards except for in Atlantic City.
You retard, paying the casino $2/hr on a $5 minimum. What the hell are you thinking?
We have found the reincarnation of Jesus on cracked! Only Jesus can routinely win $300 a night playing a game with even odds (I'm going to ignore the fact that its not because mackor covered it) I hope you live near a casino because you would be pulling in 6 figures as a full time professional $5 craps player...
next week... strip clubs vs. casinos: who's customers are the biggest suckers.
Replyhmm, I've never gotten a handy in a backroom of a casino, muse be casino customers.
As a Casino dealer I agree with everything here. It's amazing how people shut off their brains and trick themselves into thinking they'll beat the house somehow.
ReplyShutting off they're brains isn't that big a factor into it.
Working at a casino you should know they're LITERALLY built to keep you there psychologically.
From the lighting right down to the carpet pattern.
also no windows, no clocks
Yes.
ReplyEpic :) But there is only one way to win against the casinos... don't play, and they will slowly perish like a gravestone left alone to crumble under the weight of the sands of time...
ReplySorry, grimm predictions are my specialty :)
..|Eye:See:You|..
I actually know someone who won over 50 million in poker. The casino couldn't afford to pay him, so now he get joint ownership or something. In other words, when the casino gets money, he gets money.
ReplyThat was me. I win.
I once met a buddy at a casino and had an extra dollar so I put it in the first dollar slot I saw. Won 100 dollars with that first pull and cashed out knowing I would never win again :P
ReplySlot machines are amazing. There are guys over at the high stakes tables throwing down thousands every bet yet the casinos largest revenue earner are the penny slots. That should tell you something about the odds on those machines. I'll never understand the appeal of slots, especially because you only press a button.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThe appeal is that every slot machine will eventually hit a jackpot, no one knows when that will be, but it's obvious that every time you get nothing is one spin closer to becoming a millionaire! And you can't leave before you win... then the next person to come along gets all of your work and investment for free! That's just bad business sense.
mmm delicious Gambler's Fallacy.
I wonder how one gets into the casino business in the first place, it's a great scam. You probably need to be connected.
Slots are a logical fallacy- That each pull takes you closer to victory, where actually each pull has an equal (ridiculously small) chance of winning.
I think slot players suffer more from a lottery fallacy (someone's gotta win big. May as well be me) than a gambler's fallacy. If you want gamblers fallacy, go for roulette/ craps/ keno.
you cant count blackjack anymore, they use an unlimited deck, ie a random assortment of over a million cards. its really easy to count one deck though, but you'd be cheating your friends not a casino.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesum... where do you play blackjack?
That sounds like the kind of deck you'd see at God's blackjack table.
IN THE FUTURE. *LASERS*
Depends on where you are. God's blackjack table in Hell leads to you always getting the mother-in-law hand while the house always gets Blackjack.
The trick to blackjack is stay away from the large dollar denomination tables. They don't pay as much attention to card counters there. I only play blackjack just enough to cover the rooms for the week then I quit gambling. Takes about 6 hours at the $5 table.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou realize that card counting is dependent on adjusting your bet based on the contents of the shoe right? If you're stuck at a $5 table, there's not much to gain from modifying your bet.
@beans: a $5 table means a $5 minimum. There is no such thing as a $5 only table.
Just as J0E says. The low-end tables typically run $5 minimum to $50 maximum. I sit at one of those tables for about 6 hours and cover the rooms. The casino still gets plenty of my money in the end since I'm not going to waste more than 5-6 hours gambling and spend plenty of shows, food, and souveniers. Which is probably why they don't seem to care if they did notice. All they did was comp me the room, the least expensive part of the whole operation.
very much. love you long time. you no play fun at more 21ers?
Reply