Casino Games

Casino games are anti-charity, donating your money to those far MORE fortunate than yourself.

Just The Facts

  1. Casinos require money to exist.
  2. Casinos exist.
  3. Casinos must therefore take your money, Q-E-Duh.

The Existential Con

If you can see a casino, it must logically take money from the people who enter. That is its entire function.

Casinos spend more on electricity in an hour than you're worth. And we're not talking "earnings", we're talking "sold to organ dealers."
Everyone entering a casino already knows this, and in proof that humanity has failed the world's first architectural intelligence test, every day thousands believe that they are the one cunning customer who'll beat the system - no matter what logic, math, or their own life to date might suggest.
It's widely accepted that the next stage in human evolution won't be signaled by psychic powers or glowing peacenik energy beings, but when people stop going to casinos.
Fun fact: many casinos accept welfare checks!
Warning: this fact may temporarily turn you libertarian with rage.
Reassurance: as long as you have frontal lobes, libertarianism is very temporary.

The House NEVER Loses

Casinos never lose, not even to the people who spent millions of dollars building them. In the first business-based version of a scientist screaming "You cannot do this, I CREATED YOUUUGGHHH!", the "Lakes of the Torches" Indian casino exploited a legal loophole to get out of paying the fifty million dollar loan used for its own construction. This is the closest any institution has ever come to physically pantsing capitalism.

Not to say that casinos are the first parasite with plumbing, an exploitation of hope representing the death by crucifixion of the American Dream, but they're planning the "Mason Dixon Casino" by the fields of Gettysburg. If you don't see a problem with that, congratulate your parents on being the last generation of actual Americans as opposed to self-powered debt sinks.

Slot Machines

Slot machines are interactive intelligence tests - you're allowed four "ooh, what's this/getting rid of spare change" games and every spin after that is one IQ point below average. The only excuse for humans being hypnotised by flashing lights and beeping noises is Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In a mechanical parody of increasingly spherical Americans, you don't even need to pull the lever anymore - there's a cute little "lose money" button you can press instead. Even lab rats get sick of pressing the little button eventually, and they get free food they need to stay alive for doing that.
Don Burmania, spokesman of the Colorado Division of Gaming, is on record as stating "When you play a slot machine and press the bottom the outcome is pretty much determined immediately by a series of random number generators. The rest is bells and whistles." They are so confident that their players don't think and honestly probably don't even read they're just admitting it.

Poker

Poker has enjoyed an explosion of popularity thanks to the world's most boring TV shows, in yet more proof that America is determined to get everything ass-backwards. It turns out Texas Hold'Em looks really easy when you can see 'Em!
It's by far the best game in any casino in that it's actually possible for someone to win, but unless you live there that "someone" isn't you. It's a lie that every poker game features a sucker - in casinos they frequently feature several suckers (who pay the house to be there), one decent player (who often pays the house a commission to be there winning), and the house (which takes a rake and therefore wins at poker without having any cards).

Roulette has been called the "King of Casino Games", possibly because it's an utterly skill-free parody of everyone who plays it. It was invented by genius physicist Blaise Pascal in what he thinks was a failed attempt to create a perpetual motion machine. He didn't live to see the wheel continually re-spun by the infinite energy source of human stupidity, proving he'd actually succeeded!

The house advantage ("edge") on a roulette wheel is the 0 which gives everything except actual bets on 0 to the house, and in a victory over karma and basic mathematics even betting on the house has a negative expected value ("You will lose money you dumbass").
The first wheels had a zero and a double-zero. In 1843 a German casino removed the double-zero to compete with other casinos by not screwing their customers quite so badly. American casinos took one look at their customers and put that double-zero right back on there. And then added a triple-zero. And in a parody of the Patriot Act over a century before the fact, they called the third zero "American Eagle" so people couldn't complain about it. U-S-A! U-S-A!
The only people to ever consistently win against roulette have done so by finding broken wheels. Even Einstein said "You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it," and if you think you're smarter than Albert you go right ahead. No, wait, come to our place instead. We'll buy a table just for you.

Blackjack

Las Vegas explained in one game: it's actually possible to win with a simple strategy, and if you do it they'll break your thumbs and ban you. Understand: instead of replacing a game that's beatable, casinos find it easier to replace the players after beating them.
It's technically illegal for casinos to ban someone for counting cards, but it is legal to ban anyone they like for any reason at all, so it's nice to know where the law stands (actually inside the casino's pocket gently stroking their inner thigh.)
The more decks they use, the greater the house advantage. Most casinos use eight decks, quadrupling their advantage in a game the player isn't allowed to win at anyway.

American Baccarat

There are three kinds of Baccarat. North American Baccarat, Punto Banco, is the only one with absolutely no skill involved. None - the 'player' and 'banker' don't even get to choose when to take cards, the entire thing is entirely predetermined, and it's one of the highest-stakes games in America. Us smart! You may have noticed that the American version of any game seems designed to screw you harder. Just remove the word "seems" and you'll have learned something.
James Bond does not play Punto Banco, as per his standard "Don't get stuck in a stupid trap without any chance of escape" operating procedure. He plays Chemin de Fer, where you have the choice of taking a third card or not and therefore only probably play exactly as you would in Punto Banco.

Casino Craps

The original version of craps contained a flaw where people could actually win. The sarcastically-named John Winn introduced a new rule that fixed the hell out of that. Casino craps has been an incredible parody of religion and mob-based cash-extraction services (aka "an even better parody of religion") ever since. You obey utterly arbitrary rules, often with crazy and dangerous local variations, you invoke bizarre rituals which have never been proven to affect anything before rolling the dice, and the smarter bet ("Don't Pass") is shunned by the mob as taboo. To which we have to say: Well done, casinos, for making even Scientology look like someone begging for quarters in the street.

There are two stages to rolling craps. (Note: the word "crapshoot" means a stupid, risky, deeply problematic bet. This is not a coincidence.)
In the "come-out roll" there are two combinations where you win and three where you instantly lose, including double-six aka "midnight/boxcars": the craps version of the roulette zeroes, a magic "the house just makes money because" number. The fact every casino version of a game has such a number, where non-casino versions of the same games don't, does nothing to dissuade idiots, sorry, players. For any other result you've now set the "point" as that value.
The most likely result from rolling two dice is a seven. To win in a "point" roll the shooter must now roll the point before rolling a seven. People know this and still play the game. The "best" points are 6 and 8, where people can bet extra at 6-5 odds. For those who understand what those strange non-letter squiggles are, that means you can win 20% or lose your entire bet, and people apparently do this all the time. But if we were to hit them in their stupid head and take their money, we'd be criminals.

How To Enjoy Casino Games

Casinos can actually be a lot of fun. Not nearly as much fun as spending your money on actual goods or services, but just think of it as paying a $100 to see Transformers 2 and you'll be fine: only waste money you can spare, don't do it too often, and know that you're paying money to someone who built their entire career out of knowing you're an idiot.