Jay Z

Jay Z, a.k.a. Shawn Carter, is an American Rap artist, and well known bad ass, who not only gets far more vagina than you do, but he comes home to this one:

Its ok, we all feel inadequate sometimes.

Just The Facts

  1. Jay-Z makes music.
  2. His music kicks ass.
  3. He has 99 problems and your mom is not one (see what i did there? Fuck yeah).
  4. He is starting to sound like a grumpy old man.
  5. He looks like a fucking camel.

Life and Times Of Camel Man

When Jay-Z first released Reasonable Doubt, not that many people outside of Brooklyn really gave a shit. But once B.I.G. and Tupac were killed, this Joe Camel-looking-bastard was in.

He's had many hits (99 Problems, Big Pimpin', I'm A Hustla) but now he's sort of gone all anti-fucking-anything-that-moves (A.K.A. NOT What Cracked would recommend). There was a time when Jay-Z was fucking stabbing a producer in a crowded nightclub. Now, he's sort of like the guy at the party who is just about to leave, and then he realizes he hasn't told you the joke about the duck walking into a bar and asking for vaseline for his chapped beak. He recently released D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune) as a blast at all the artist currently using the Auto-Tune sound effect program for their music. Didn't one of his close friends use Auto-Tune on a whole album...oh yeah!...Kanye West.
The Video has him playing basketball with Lebron James...because....yeah, fuck if i know.
The Blueprint III will be released on September 11th, forever solidifying the already widely accepted idea that Jay-Z feels he is more prevalent than remembering a terrorist attack.

Jay-Z also made headlines when he said he would beat the shit out of Chris Brown, but really, who wouldn't?

He's practicing for the Dick-Sucking Olympics. He hopes to take Gold this year.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Because...Come On.

We Need Money, Dammit.

Superhead: Now Includes Extra Ass!