Emo Kids

Emo Kids are a social group who are united by their common interest in Halloween colors, thinking they are sad, music about being sad, and being bad at suicide.

Chart only applicable if you are above the poverty line.

Emo cats are much less insufferable.

Just The Facts

  1. Dress is important for emo kids. Anything less than the contents of a strip mall makeup store is going to be met with emo sniffles of scorn.
  2. Emo kids are individuals. They are so individual, in fact, that society doesn't understand any of them, so they have to hang out together lest they be sucked into the suffocating vortex of sexual certainty.
  3. Emo kids cannot be cured by the love of another, nor can they be convinced to love themselves; for they are so vain they ARE in love with themselves, but they're just so emotionally distant they can't find a connection with themselves.


Emo is short for emotional.

Emos are very particular about their music and are likely to judge you based on your musical taste. Emo kids don't care about major labels and selling out; as long as the band is going to feed them the "lets pretend like we've had traumatic relationships (and purchase our t-shirt)" bit, they will remain happy (or the emo equivalent).

"Nobody understands us!"

The Rites of Spring were supposed to be the first emo band, back in the 80s. That's not totally improbable, as they are not very good.

Since then, a lack of a world war has led to bored kids thinking about what they could do to pass the time, and picking eyeshadow.

Why couldn't you have just gone with masturbation and video games?

Emo girls also dress as if they fell into a crosswalk made of makeup, but this whole "emo-lolita" thing has cropped up, based on the belief that if emo girls reject societal norms, it means they'll put out.

Can you find the resentment of parents in this picture?

Changing Emo Kids

As easy as it is to call them fags, don't take the jock approach to insulting emo kids. For if we truly want their ranks to thin, we must convince them of the stupidity of their stance.



Emo kids can become confused and angry when confronted with logic (fortunately, their skinny jeans and skinny bodies rarely render them capable of doing physical damage). Here is a list of reasons emo kids will give for being emo, ranking from least ridiculous to incredibly stupid.

-Dead parent


-Nobody understands me.

-I'm fat.

-Favorite jeans shrunk in wash, not actually emo.

-Disappointing sexual experience with emo kid.

-Nobody understands my breakup.

-Disappointing parent's dead jeans.

-Sexual jeans fat breakup.

-I have no personality and would rather grieve myself than be proactive.

The last one applies to approx. 100% of emo kids. To counteract this, call them a fag if they are a boy, and flirt with them if they are a girl (regardless of what sex you are). This should be incredibly effective.


Emo Clothing

Emo clothes are intended to be tight and uncomfortable, for I don't know what - playing ninja assassin?

I'm thinking of that Nirvana song "Something In the Way" right now. That has nothing to do with this picture, but I wanted you to know that.

The predominant color used is black, although the more/less individual ones will wear white stripes.

Less cool white stripes.

Both emo girls and boys will wear clothing that brings out their curves.

Being Awesome

Emo Kids are not awesome. Emo kids are fail to the max. Motorcycles are awesome. Boobs are awesome. Emo kids are not as awesome as either one of these things.

Pictured: Awesome. Not pictured: Emo kids.