Graveyards

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Just The Facts

  1. Graveyards were invented in the 1980s by horror film producers looking for a place to set their films.
  2. After people got tired of horror movies set in graveyards, they needed something to do with all that wasted space. They decided to start burying bodies there.
  3. Graveyard comes from the English words "Grave" meaning a place to bury a dead person, and "Yard" meaning a plot of land. Literally translated the term means "A yard with graves."

Advice For Dealing With Graveyards

If you are ever trapped in a graveyard, look for the nearest Goth. They will be familiar with the layout of the graveyard and will be able to direct you to the exit. If the Goth does not answer you right away, examine it closely. It might actually be a real corpse that has been dug up by coyotes.

Try not to be tempted to take a shortcut through a graveyard at night, especially if it is old and dark and there is a lot of mist around. It will probably not be haunted, but you are likely to run into one of the following:

  • Homeless people sleeping in crypts
  • Emo teenagers having sex on gravestones to explore the juxtaposition of life and death that they're sure their parents never thought of
  • A colossal and nameless blasphemy with glaring red eyes, and it held in bony claws a thing that had been a man, gnawing at the head as a child nibbles at a stick of candy. Its position is a kind of crouch, and as one looks one feels that at any moment it might drop its present prey and seek a juicier morsel. But damn it all, it isn't even the fiendish subject that makes it such an immortal fountain-head of all panic-not that, nor the dog face with its pointed ears, bloodshot eyes, flat nose, and drooling lips. It isn't the scaly claws nor the mould-caked body nor the half-hooved feet-none of these, though any one of them might well have driven an excitable man to madness.

So You Want To Make Your Own Graveyard

You will need:

  • Corpses. Ideally, people will volunteer to be buried in your graveyard before they die. In fact, in many cases they or their family will actually pay you money for a small section of land inside your graveyard! If your graveyard is not yet set up enough for this, though, you may have to steal some corpses. Good possible locations include: morgues, other, better graveyards, the basement of that creepy guy who lives down the street and never has anybody over.
  • Headstones. These are vital. Generally accepted shapes are rectangles, squares with rounded tops, crosses, or angel sculptures. Generally unaccepted are clowns, breakdancers and those silhouettes of nude women that truckers put on their mudflaps.
  • Decorations. These include flowers and small American flags so that people don't think that corpses are unpatriotic, and also to give pointers to any flesh-eating ghouls that are also racist.