Shakespeare began the great literary tradition of discovering new words and phrases by beating up small children with thesauri. In 2008, however, this linguistic ambrosia (and popular sport) came to a sudden and abrupt halt...
Just The Facts
- Sarah Palin is the Lady Gaga of politics: she's provocative, enjoys rolling around aimlessly on stage, and we're fairly certain she has a penis.
- Palin gained notoriety during the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign as John McCain's comic relief.
- Her standup routines consist of equal parts word salad, logorrhea, and speaking in tongues.
- Linguistics experts have confirmed that she speaks an English dialect known as "SpecialNeeds-ian"
Wailin' Palin: A Brief History of WTF
- In 2008, an elite team of B-movie actors set out for the Alaskan wilderness to find the fabled land bridge that would lead them to cheap Russian cocaine. Two weeks into the expedition, they discovered what appeared to be a hairless caribou frozen in a block of ice. The creature awoke during thawing and let loose an incomprehensible scream that would make banshees wet themselves and mandrakes seek new employment. There were no survivors.
- The caribou, code-named "P.A.L.I.N", managed to convince half the country that it is a rational human female, a champion of ethical government, and a lipstick-wearing bulldog. As of yet, no cure has been found for these delusions.
- In 2010, the team of monkeys responsible for the majority of Shakespeare's folios admitted to writing Sarah Palin's speeches, Facebook updates, and every other damn word that's come out of her mouth. This announcement came via Twitter, along with three new words/phrases the simian committee hoped to add to the English language. Only one of these words was actually attributed to Palin - but accuracy isn't a necessary prerequisite for righteous indignation, so it's fine to claim that all three belong to her.
- Hilariously enough, the people who complained the loudest about this idiot are the ones who ended up being the best at spreading her influence. The Webster council was forced to remove "irony" from the dictionary in order to make room for Palin's new words.
A Comparison Between Literary Masters and a Hairless Caribou Who Failed Out of Multiple Community Colleges
- William Shakespeare: "Assassinate", "green-eyed", and "vulnerable" are only three of the hundreds of words/phrases the Bard came up with that we regularly use. Palin still struggles with the complexities of the mother tongue: "Nucular" and "mavrick" are two words she just can't figure out how to pronounce.
- Lewis Carroll: Jabberwocky. An entire poem using extensive onomatopoeia and nonsense words. Palin equivalent: "Canada needs to dismantle its public health care system and allow private enterprises to get involved and turn a profit." How's that for absolute jabberwocky?
- J.R.R. Tolkien: Forget individual words, Tolkien created entire languages for the inhabitants of Middle Earth. Palin's still working on the Randian 'A is A' aspects of English: "Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings..."*
- Robert Heinlein: "Grok", "waldo", and TANSTAAFL. Palin: "death panels" and "repudiate".
- Douglas Adams: Adams was one hell of a hoopy frood. Palin is one hell of a loopy fruit. Let's not forget all that she's done to promote the English language - especially when she attempted to ban books from the Wasilla town library.
*Quote out of context, but if she can't be bothered to do her research then why should we?