Sex is a personal matter, usually discussed (and done) between you and your significant other(s). In order to change this, the world created condoms, turning a personal decision into a public declaration of your horniness (and penis size).
Well, the world of sexual intercourse (a slang term for the more medically correct word, "fucking,") is full of humiliation, prematurity, and, if my fifth grade sex ed class told the truth, AIDS lobsters.
Seriously, anyone else forced to watch that movie?
However, while the embarrassment of premature ejaculation and unimpressive penis size will happen no matter what, it is possible to avoid the dreaded AIDS lobsters, along with shit that makes running your dick through a meat grinder sound enjoyable.
Also, this, Bristol.
But there is a big problem with these magical, amazing devices: millions (okay, maybe not millions, but if you wish you can substitute "every teenager but yourself") suffers through the harsh reality that being available does not mean owning. AKA--just because condoms exist doesn't mean you have them. In fact...like most goods and services in this world, you have to pay for them. And unlike most goods and services in this world, you probably don't want to buy condoms from that sketchy guy on a street corner at two in the morning. And while you can order condoms online (see links below), that also means your mother, with whom you certainly live, will see the bill and ask "why were you buying two-hundred and fifty condoms and three butt plugs from a babeland-dot-com," or "what did you need to buy from this condomania-dot-com?" And also, while everyone will tell you that "the guy at the register has seen hundreds of people buy condoms and he doesn't care about what you get," we all know that when you go to buy them the rugged old "I've seen everything" guy will be on break, and replacing him will be that zit-covered junior who sits behind you in Precalc, and your English teacher will be standing behind you and behind her will be your grandmother.
Therefore, because the United States has the highest rate of teen pregnancy of first world countries, I now present you with...
Step 1: Go to the local drugstore of your choice.
Step 2: Select a box of condoms. Note that buying them in bulk is way cheaper.
Our needs may require this type.
Step 3: Go up to the cash register. Pay.
Step 4: Go home.
Step 5: Fuck.
Step 1: Find someone to fuck.
This doesn't count.
Step 2: Find a drug store that is at least five miles from your home. Note that this is an at least. If you live in Los Angeles, I suggest perhaps Seattle. If you live in Seattle you are lucky, go to Canada. If you live in Texas, try New York. If you live in a small town in the middle of the bible belt, try the moon. Or, since I'm not quite sure if the moon sells condoms, try Australia.
Step 3: Inform your mother you are going to one of the following: A pro-life rally, church, an old folks' home, or Uwajimaya to buy Magic the Gathering cards.
Step 4: Drive to the drug store of your choice (or take a plane, if you listen to step two).
Step 5: Park. Don't back in even though your driver's ed teacher told you to, because it takes like twenty minutes and you look like a dumbass trying to do it. Plus, visual that's-what-she-saids are only funny when someone else is there.
Step 6: Walk inside with your head down, staring at your converse.
If your converse look like these, you may want to check with your local statutory rape laws.
Step 7: Avoid eye contact, because everyone knows that eye contact is like screaming I AM BUYING CONDOMS.
Step 8: Grab a box of cereal and put it in your basket. Make sure it is good cereal, like Honey Bunches of Oats or something, because you'll be buying this and will look really stupid getting Wheeties or some other shit like that.
Step 9: Locate the condoms. They are in the section called "family planning." If you are lucky, then this section will be with the tampons and first aid. If you are not lucky, it will be with the tampons and diapers, which means you will have to avoid the eyes of every mother on the planet while picking out what to cover your weiner with while doing the horizontal hokey pokey. In fact, very scientific research from the department of I-Make-This-Shit-Up-Off-The-Top-Of-My-Head suggests that 99.99999% of condoms will be in an area within eye contact of old, Christian ladies.
Step 10: If in a large city, avoid eye contact with the Orthodox Jewish woman buying enough diapers to cover the butts of every baby in China. If in a small town, avoid eye contact with the local minister's wife buying diapers to hand out to teenage mothers at the next Pro-Life rally.
Step 11: Avoid eye contact with the 400 pound woman buying Platex Ultra Tampons.
Step 12: Avoid eye contact with the senior citizen buying lube and "Her Pleasure" condoms. Also, swallow bile.
Step 13: If you are a girl, look at the tampons while pretending to take a long time to decide. (Muttering "hmmm...light or regular" will not only make it sound like you are still very much a virgin, but it will had signinficantly more truth to your diversion attempt. Of course, this is completely optional.) If male, just stare at the condoms, because that is still less embarrassing than being a guy and looking at tampons.
Don't run a google image search on "tampons." Just don't.
Step 14: If female, slightly divert eyes to condoms. If male, avoid purchasing "El Toro Grande" (or any other brand I just made up/stole from Scrubs that sounds like it would be used for someone with an elephant's dick) just to look cool, because if your girlfriend is as inexperienced as you are then she probably doesn't know the difference between "El Toro Grande" and "Mr. Weenie's Tiny Snugfits," but if "El Toro Grande" falls off then she will assume you are the smallest guy in the world and if will be fucking embarrassing. Oh, and if it falls off she could get preggers. That, too. Maybe someone should have told that to Bristol Palin's boyfriend when he walked out of Alaska's only Rite-Aid with a box of Durex XXL.
Step 15: Ignore the fifty-trillion different brands and styles and just stick with plain, lubricated condoms if you are a guy. If you are a girl, do the same, unless you want to surprise whatever band nerd you'll be fucking, and in that case get a pack of cherry flavored ones too. But still get a pack of regular condoms or else you'll be sticking the cherry-flavored ones in your cooter, and according to my really creepy, Russian, male gynecologist who is probably a Soviet spy (creepy Russian men seem to be well-versed in the world of vaginas), that is a gateway to a yeast infection and other really painful shit. So do you still want to put cherry-flavored sugar in there? No. No you do not.
Also, never search "yeast infection" in images. Seriously.
But in any case, there probably won't be any flavored ones outside of the "Pleasure Pack," which would be really, really embarrassing to buy, so just stick with the normal ones. Seriously, though, what the hell. There seriously isn't a single solitary box of flavored condoms in all of Seattle. Not that I'd know.
Step 16: Place chosen condoms under box of cereal.
Step 17: Walk quickly to the self checkout. Keep head down. Attempt to keep cheeks from turning bright red.
Step 18: Scan the condoms first and quickly put them into the bag. Avoid pressing "Spanish" just because it's funny because then you'll need to call over that old lady at the register with a giant cross on her chest and whom you swear is wearing an abstinence ring. Pay in cash, or else this will all go to waste when your mom asks you why you bought Durex XXL Condoms and Vagisil Medicated Wipes when she sees your credit card bill. If self-checkout is not possible, buy a really funny birthday card because then maybe that senior over there whom you swear is in your AP Bio class might think you are buying them as a funny gift, but really she's probably not that convinced and from now on if you are paired up with her in Bio you won't be able to look her in the eye.
Step 19: Walk outside of the store and quickly stuff condoms in purse or pockets. Note that if you are a guy you may have wanted to make sure the condoms will fit in the first place.
Step 20: Upon arriving home, inform your mother that the pro-life rally was fun, then sprint to your bedroom. Put the condoms where your mother won't ever find them. I'd suggest your underwear drawer, but most likely she still does your laundry. Remember, they have to be kept cool and dry, so behind the heating vent is probably a stupid idea, dumbass. If you are really desperate, take a bible, cut out the inside pages to make a square, and put them in there. Use a bible because the book needs to be thick and I love irony.
Step 21: Take any remaining paraphernalia (receipts, empty boxes, etc) and wrap notebook paper around them. Then completely cover it in duct tape. Then place in a plastic bag, tie the bag shut, and cover in duct tape again. Repeat six times. Put deep down into the trash bin. Take out the trash. Note that you probably shouldn't just throw away the duct tape covered bag or else people will think you are throwing out some other type of paraphernalia.
Step 22: Fuck...safely.