Cake Wrecks is a website that teaches us that cakes can be horribly unappealing if the wrong person makes them. Delciously, horribly unappealing.
Cake Wrecks takes pictures of cakes, submitted by their users, and totally uses them make bakeries the world over look like cespools of degenerate retards. Actually, judging from the amount of pictures that Cake Wrecks has, all bakeries totally are.
The site launched in 2008 when owner, Jen Yates, began searching for cakes that were mispelled, malformed, or were totally not what the requesting party asked for. She posted the images to her blog, and then Cake Wrecks became a hit. It got the "distinguished honor" of being recognized by the New York Times, and has received two "Bloggies." Yes, those are awards dedicated to awarding blogging achievements, not the retarded Sony camcorder thing.
"Here's my latest video entitled 'Me and My Friends Mouth Rape a Taco Bell Quesadilla.'"
Some of the cakes listed are totally ridiculous and you would never know what they are without a description. Let's do a little exercise where we show you a picture and some multiple choice answers and see how many you don't get right (here's a hint: it'll be all of them). There's an answer key below:
Let's start with an easy one. Is this:
A) A noseless, retarded Wolverine from X-Men with a leg coming out of another leg?
B) A swirl of orange and blue toilet matter?
C) A University of Kentucky logo cake?
D) A pet made of recycled parts from other pets?
Ahh...another ungodly creation. What is it?
A) A sad, miserable excuse for a melted dog cake?
B) A mop-headed little girl, with candle barrettes?
C) Your mom after downing a bottle of ketchup?
D) A filthy mop with eyeballs?
What is this booger green retard supposed to be?
A) The ooze from that one Ninja Turtles movie?
B) A tumor that congealed on the frosting of a previous cake?
C) A horrible rendition of Shrek, if he were a gummy candy and worked at burger king making flame broiled whoppers, wearing paper hats?
D) Someone who got that previous joke?
HOLY SHIT KILL IT! Oh...thought that one was real. Anyway, what is it?
A) Curious George? Yeah, this one's so unbelievable that we're going to give it to you. Curious. Fucking. George.
B) One of those Mexican werewolf guys who have been on every talk show ever?
C) A practical joke?
D) A happy, giant cluster of chicken nuggets?
Let's take score. If your answers were CACA, then...heh...caca.
You remember when we said go to the site and check out the classics? Well, we're too kind to make you wait through the five minutes of page loading that would take. Here's some of the best of the best, with their associated Cake Wreck captions.
"I Want Sprinkles"
Didn't say that the captions were original. Hopefully, though, you can tell what happened in this phone call. If not, then read on. Someone evidentally called and said "I want your best graduation cake. And on that I want...I want sprinkles." Of course, they meant they wanted sprinkles, the flecks of sugary cake crack-cocaine. The stenographer at the bakery took them quite literally, because they literally wrote the transcription of their conversation instead.
"Sexual Harrassment Cake"
Nothing like giving a woman the old tiger uppercut up the butt to get her motivated to get you fired, huh? Especially when you do it so hard you lift her six inches off the ground. There's a story behind this cake. Allegedly it was bought by a manager for an anti-sexual harrassment seminar. This manager supposedly got fired for this, but that may just be heresay. Believable heresay.
This is a bakers equivalent to falling asleep at the wheel...while being naked, drunk, and driving with your buttcheeks. It was supposed to just say "Happy Fatherhood." Where the extra 'alker" and "sa" came from is anyone's best guess. This one has a famous video, which you can watch further down. The video is a good watch because you can see SNL "star" Keenan Thompson at his other bakery job.
"When Brides Have No Budget (or Taste)"
You are guaranteed by this picture that this woman is an unholy bridezilla bitch. Why, you ask? Well, she broke one of the 10 Commandments by making an image of herself...probably. Also, it looks likes she just ate a mouthful of lemon-flavored lizard dung. Seriously, you're getting married, so wipe that "I'm an asshole" look off of your face.
"Inspiration vs. Perspiration"
Yes, the one on the right is a baker's interpretation of the one on the left. Funny that in the left one there were no finger marks in the icing, the layers are straight, it didn't have a Christmasy/Reggae theme, and the original cake was ugly to begin with. How they made it uglier is a feat that truly deserves massive recognition. Bravo.
"The Flash Drive"
So, the long and the chode of this one is that a lady called a bakery wanting a picture on a cake for an office party. The bakery said "Come in and just bring it on a flash drive." The lady did, she left the flash drive with the bakers. The bakers then proceeded to make a cake with the flash drive on it rather than the pictures on the flash drive. Good ol' American cake craftsmanship. More like craftsmanshit.
"Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys"
At first glance, you'd probably think the caption is lying to you if you saw it without the picture. You could summon the greatest minds in the universe to a meeting, and they would debate until the end of time what the craziest part of this cake would be. This cake was so insane that Cake Wrecks actually used it for their logo. True story.