Minor League Baseball

Minor League Baseball consists of many types of baseball players, all of whom are professional but not considered very good at the moment. Lets' find out who!

Just The Facts

  1. Baseball is one of the few sports with a farm system. This is because if the NFL had one, there would be too many jobs available for philosophy and criminal justice majors.
  2. Minor league baseball teams consist of players owned by MLB franchises that are not good enough to play on a team that isn't from a team that isn't from Pittsburgh or Baltimore.
  3. There are also teams in independent leagues, which consist of players who have failed everywhere else and will no longer gain attention unless they attack the other team
  4. There are 6 divisions of Minor League Baseball, AAA, AA, A, Advanced A, Short-Season A and Rookie, names very similar to types of battery.
  5. Another name involving Minor League Baseball and types of battery is Jose Offerman, who has been banned from multiple leagues for hitting other players and umpires with bats or his fists.

What You Need To Make a Minor League Team Popular

Wacky Name

With less publicity and attention than MLB teams, the minor league clubs have come up with some very bizarre names. Of course, there are teams that take the name of their major league affiliate, such as the Pawtucket Red Sox or the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees, but because minor league teams can change locations and affiliations in order to increase a fanbase if they are not directly owned by the team they are named after. This can result in bizarre names based on local industry, such as the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, Simpsons' episodes, such as the Albuquerque Isotopes, landmarks, such as the Chattanooga Lookouts, or Christ only knows, such as the Montgomery Biscuits.

Montgomery Biscuits

Between-Innings Shenanigans

The Minor League Baseball audience has a large population of parents introducing their children to the game of baseball, since it is cheaper than going to a major league park and there is no major commitment like making them join tee ball or little league. So to make up for the parents not thinking "Oh shit! My four-year-old doesn't have the attention span to watch this three hour game! He's going to start crying and trying to pull gum off of the seat bottoms, what do I do?" beforehand, teams come up with ways to entertain children between innings, instead of allowing players to get readjusted to the field. These shenanigans can include sumo suits, mascot dancing, and games for the children whose parents are willing to pay for box seats. These become more frequent in the A and AA divisions to cheer up the adults who realize that even though their team has committed 5 errors, at least they can watch men in predatory cat costumes dance.

Mascots

Even the cougar seems bored. Not a good sign.

Another example of between innings shenanigans involve you, the fans. The Jumbotron! An opportunity for all of the other children to abandon their lifelessness and boredom from watching baseball and scream and do the chicken dance even if the camera is nowhere near them. We use the term "Chicken dance" as loosely as possible since most children consider flailing like a victim of a wasp swarm to be the chicken dance instead of whatever stupid actions it officially is.

Giveaways

People aren't coming to your games? That's okay, you can always bribe them with giveaways. These can include popular things such as bobblehead night or hat night, but there are also the less popular toilet seat, bubble wrap, or pictures of gall bladder nights that make you question whether you really want to go, and then realize that a toilet seat is probably still a lot better than those awful stadium chairs and you can sit on that instead, and hey, at least bubble wrap will keep your kid entertained while there's baseball going on. Some parks also have promotions with local businesses where if a certain thing happens, like 10 strikeouts for the home team or a stolen base, everyone gets a coupon at the end of the game. This makes fans care more about the game because even if they didn't enjoy seeing people named Dusty or Buck hit a ball, at least they get a free small soda next time they go to Taco Bell. Most parks also include giveaways between innings, so hopefully your child started paying attention then, or else a horse is going to shoot him in the face with a t-shirt out of an air gun.

t-shirt cannon

Good Players

Oh. Right. Those guys. They're also pretty important for gaining fans and bringing in crowds. Especially if you make them into a bobblehead.