Four Loko

Four Loko: Fruity beverage, alchohol, beer, absinthe, cocaine and so, so much more. God have mercy on us.

This advertising is subdued compared with anyone's experience on this monster.

Just The Facts

  1. This 'drink' was created by three alumni of Ohio State University.
  2. Currently being or trying to be outlawed in most every other state save for Ohio.
  3. Is technically a "speedball: due to the Alcohol (a downer) and the Caffeine (an upper).
  4. Sells for a ludicrously cheap $2.50 USD.

Four Loko: History and Why it's Named

According to legend, three (most likely) assholes from OSU decided the world needed a new and easier form of social, self and physical destruction. First appearing in Ohio, and then moving out like a locust swarm to other states, Four Loko, has eight disgusting flavors and each one tastes like the under side of an angel's ball sack. The loosely called 'flavors' are: grape, orange, fruit punch, watermelon, blue raspberry, raspberry, lemonade, cranberry lemonade, and vanilla. It comes in a soul-crushing 24 oz. can and once fully consumed you truly do inhabit a world where all languages and actions mesh into a horrifying blur of truly bad decision making. Also, it has a total of 660 calories, that's one fourth of your daily caloric intake. Holy shit!

Four Loko was named in honor of it's four most prevalent ingredients.

Pestilence, Famine, War, and Death

Four Loko

Four Loko: What it Does

The "Loko" (as natives to anywhere near a liquid store call it) takes effect nearly immediately after consuming your first. It is literally unheard of that anyone can stomach more than two and if you can down a third or fourth the night is officially in the devil's hands.

It is not uncommon that when you are cut off in traffic after driving home drunk (logical choice on Four Loko) you follow the perpetrator for forty-five minutes, not even in concealment. You follow the poor guy bumper to bumper all the way to their destination and upon arriving you both exit. Only for you to forget why you're there. Then you shit on yourself.

This Ostrich will play a major factor in your night on Four Loko. It will be on Four Loko as well.

Famous People that Enjoy Four Loko

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"HE'LL BE THE MEXICAN TRANSFORMER...AND WE'LL CALL HIM LOKO."

Seriously, it has to be true.