Windows 8

Windows 7 was surely an improvement over Vista, but what about relative to Windows 8 (stylized as WindowS, cause S and 8 look similar...S 8...right?)? We'll explore how it will be different from Windows 7.

You can plainly see that this is NOT Mac OS X!

How the Windows-using business world reacted to the introduction of WindowS.

The Operating System WindowS was base--inspir--completely unrelated to.

Just The Facts

  1. WindowS is going to be like Windows 7, just shinier.
  2. WindowS is going to be like Mac OS X, but--um.
  3. Functions in WindowS are supposed to accelerate faster.

The Microsoft WindowS Press Conference, Minute by Minute

November 25th, 2011--We're here in the Seattle Convention Center monitoring the presentation of WindowS at the Seattle Convention Center.

12:00--Steve Ballmer is taking the stage, it looks like he's going to make the keynote speech and introduce WindowS.

This man is batshit insane.

12:01--Ballmer looks really excited. He takes the podium and begins extolling the features of Windows 7.

12:03--Windows 7...

12:05--Windows 7...

12:07--He's talking about how WindowS will be better!

12:08--a projector is turned on and a beautiful screenshot of WindowS is on the projector screen! It looks like Windows 7, with the taskbar on the top of the screen, and a shelf for displaying programs at the bottom of the screen. It is called the Pier. There are four programs on the Pier: My Computer, Internet Explorer 9, Control Pannel, Microsoft Office 2010, and Recycling Bin. In the top right corner of the screen is a desktop icon called Hard Drive. The Start Button, now in the top left corner of the screen, has been renamed the Windows Button.

12:11--Ballmer continues going over features, such as Past Versions Machine, Selphoto, WidgetS, and MultiChat.

8 New WindowS Features

WindowS is going to have several new features, ten of which will be gone over in this section.

1. The Pier--a virtual shelf at the bottom of the screen where shortcuts to often-used applications can be placed.

2. WidgetS--when you press fn-W in WindowS, you will switch to a second desktop with nothing but quick-use programs and widgets, which you can install or delete. The preinstalled, default widget is called Ballmer's Ballin' Boyz, a game in which you control an eponymous basketball team of Microsoft executives and engineers and play Apple's team, which is called the iSiah Thomas-Coached Macinsuckers.

A screenshot of the game: Ballmer after being stuffed by Steve Jobs. Steve-Fucking-Turtleneck-Jobs.

3. Selphoto--for use with a webcam, it allows the user to take pictures of themselves and edit them right on the spot. There are options for special effects you can overlay pictures with. The preinstalled example picture in Selphoto is this:

This man must be stopped.

4. Past Versions Machine--with the use of an external hardrive, a user can save past versions of his or her documents and restore them if necessary. It uses a nice video, including as a wormhole-looking graphic, to demonstrate that the user is going "back in time". Steve Ballmer is quoted as screaming, "I want them [users] to feel like THEY'RE GOING THROUGH A FUCKING VORTEX [when they use Past Versions Machine]! YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

5. MultiChat--designed to be used with a webcam, it allows a user with a screenname to instant message, call, or videochat with buddies. The preinstalled buddy's screenname in MultiChat is BigBallmerBoy.

6. Windows Button--the revamped start button, it allows users to find and start up less-used programs, look at information on their hardware and software, switch user account, log out of their user account, sleep the computer, and shut down the computer.

7. Hardware Acceleration Upgrade--allows the computer to jump into action much faster when opening up a high-power program after long periods of inactivity. So now, when your computer's hard drive is rattling several times faster than you previously thought possible and it's giving off enough heat for you to work up a sweat, you'll know it's just because your computer's moving more quickly!

Thanks, WindowS!

8. The Secret Files--if someone goes far enough through Windows Explorer and follows this:


they will reach a folder with this picture in a JPEG file type (the caption below it reads, "Willy G"):

Actually, this was a picture of Bill Gates's reaction when he discovered Ballmer would take the reins of the software empire he'd built.

There is also a Word document filled with some very mature "facts" about Bill Gates, which are too crude to be repeated in this publication,

There's also a video in .wmv format that shows Steve Ballmer and other Microsoft bigwigs sitting around a conference table. One of them is quoted as saying "We've created a Mac look and feel in terms of graphics. Mission accomplished." (See "" for more on that.) Ballmer then laughs and says, "Stupid buyers should just get Macs if that's what they're looking for."

Finally, there's anoher picture in the Secret Files, also in JPEG format (its caption says "This is what I can have cause of you suckers who buy WindowShit"):

The reason it's one dollar bills instead of Benjamins is because Ballmer thinks he looks like Benjamin Franklin.

Steve Ballmer, when asked about the Secret Files, is quoted as saying "Shhh."

9. My PC, My Way--designed to run through a webcam, it tracks user movements to control programs; an example is that if a user turns away from the computer while playing a game, the game will pause. To WindowS users: we hope you have fun as every move and twitch you make will fuck with what your doing.

Fortunately, this move will not be misinterpreted.

10. New Antivirus/Antihacker Software--The geniuses at Microsoft are trying their hands at making the infamously penetrable Windows Operating Systems by creating new software to repel hackers and viruses. They've even opened up a new position for a cybersecurity expert to help work on WindowS. So, this time when your computer gets hacked and infected to the point of uselessness, you'll have a Microsoft-appointed scapegoat.

This is you giving feedback on WindowS security.


In conclusion, WindowS has a lot to offer.

In the same way your parents offer you fruit cake as a Christmas present.

These new features will surely make WindowS an experience far more interesting than any other OS.

And by "interesting" we mean "maddening in a way that drives you to acts of violence against Microsoft and her employees".