Bill Compton

The vampire lead in a supernatural romance action series that is totally not anything like Twilight.

See? Completely different guys.

Just The Facts

  1. A bad ass vampire who is also a bad ass southern good ol boy
  2. Frequently gets to fuck the shit out of Rogue from the X-Men.
  3. Loves to engage in traditional vampire activities like killing people and burning up in day light.

Why Cracked think you should give a flying fuck about Bill Compton

In a day and age where people think of vampires as lame faggy bullshit only fit for vapid teen girls and their bored house wife mothers, Bill Compton has come along to remind us why we ever like them in the first fucking place. Being a part of the modern genre of vampire fiction that forces fans to describe it as "with vampires, but not like twilight vampires, seriously you should really give it a try", Mr. Compton has become the de facto public representative of an undead backlash against sparkly douche baggery. While he does engage in some seemingly pussified behavior like drinking synthetic blood as an alternative to sinking his fangs into humans:

sippin a warm one

Well, you can live on it, but it taste like shit.

It's mostly just a way to look respectable in public. Despite his protests to the contrary Bill will start drinking human blood any time the opportunity to do so and get away with it is presented:

bill takes a drink

Ahhh that's a much better flavor

How Bill Compton came to be

While we at Cracked don't know the exact details and are too lazy to look them up or ask the people involved we're pretty sure it went down like this:

Step 1: Author Charlaine Harris too a look at lame faggy vampires like Edward Cullen and thought to herself "Holy Fuck, what if I created a vampire who, instead of being a total pussy actually had a pair of testicles?"

Step 2: TV producer Alan Ball read one of the Southern Vampire Mystery Novels and thought: "Holy Fuck, this Bill Compton guy is awesome. There should be a TV show to demonstrate how much ass he kicks."

Step 3: Actor Bill Moyer got offered the part and thought "Holy Fuck, if I take this part I get to make out with Rogue from the X-Men on camera? Sign me up!"

While others might argue that the character of Sookie Stackhouse played a more prominent role in all of these steps, we're pretty sure she was just created as a hot chick for Bill Compton to bang on a frequent basis and then turned into the main character when it was determined that having the plot focusing on the awesomeness of Compton would overload the readers and viewers with bad assery resulting in a lot of friend brains, which would attract enough zombies (who actually hate raw brains but take what they can get) to finally kick start the long dreaded zombie apocalypse.

A severe lack of cooking skills, the only thing keeping this from happening

Examples of Bad Ass Behavior from Bill Compton

Spoilers ahead either Stop reading now or don't whine like a bitch about it later.

If everything above isn't enough to already make you want to add Season 1 of True Blood to your netflix que or check out the first Southern Vampire novel consider the following:

1. Upon finding out that Sookie had a sleazy uncle who didn't actually molest her, and merely creeped her the fuck out as a kid, Bill tracks him down, kills him and then dumps his body in a swamp. When Sookie finds out and confronts him about it, Bill shrugs it off with a "Hey I did it because I love you" and in no time at all they're back to fucking like wild bunnies.

2. When Sookie gets attacked by a serial killer in broad daylight, Bill hears her and goes out to save her. While it doesn't quite work out (he ends up watching Sam, the shape shifting were-dog come to her rescue and has to be buried in the ground before he competely burns away) any vampire that will walk out into burning sunlight to save his woman still has huge balls of steel.

3. When Bill gets kidnapped by a bunch of werewolves who want to drain his blood, he fucks with the driver in order to run him off the road, digs a hole in the ground to hid for a day, wakes up, drinks the blood of the first old lady he can find, wipes her memory and then kicks the living shit out of the wolves when they track him down.

If that doesn't work we'll leave you this image to ponder:

What's more bad add than a vampire? How bout a vampire with a gun he doesn't even need?