Iron Man
The power of Iron Man (A.K.A. Tony Stark) can only be fully understood through the 3 B's: Battle Armor, Booze, and Boners.
Just The Facts
- Created by Stan Lee in order to comment on the Cold War
- Relies on his engineering skills rather than super powers
- HIs suit is the most powerful piece of weaponry created
- It is also flamboyantly painted
- Every guy on earth wants one
Battle Armor
Iron Man's most distinguishing characteristic is, of course, his gold and red battle armor (allegedly a tribute to the colors of Gryffindor House from the Harry Potter franchise), which he created when he was kidnapped and forced to build a missile for enemy militants. So a man who was doted on his whole life and had no training in survival or espionage managed to build this weapon surpassing all current advancements in computer programming, nuclear physics, and metallurgy while being constantly monitored by enemy militants over a mere matter of days. This is either a gaping plot hole, or Al Qaeda has been taken over by people who have absolutely no idea what anything looks like.
Tony also made them this ash tray.
Booze
Iron Man is also an alcoholic. In fact, the problem got so bad that at one point in the comic series he had to give up being a superhero altogether. While he isn't the first comic book character to be plagued with crippling psychological issues, we have to say that his are probably the most fun at keggers. Just make sure he has a designated driver who knows how to operate a flying suit of armor (knowledge of a manual transmission is a plus).
[Okay Tony, keep it together, keep it together...crap, I just threw up in my mouth a little.]
Boners
If there's anything that surpasses Iron Man's technological prowess and love of expensive scotch, it's his libido. In the 2008 film, it takes no less than 10 minutes of screen time before he manages to bone a journalist who, by all outward appearances, despises him (so we guess there's more than one way to conquer your enemies...BA-ZING!). He later makes an Austin Powers-esque display of creepy sexuality by unveiling the stripper poles he had installed on his private jet, treating himself and his buddy James Rhodes to a strip show put by his flight attendants. On their way to the Middle East. Where they will be unveiling horrifying anti-terror missiles that shoot smaller anti-terror missiles. Maybe there's something about all the phallic imagery of hundreds of exploding rockets that turns him on.
Pictured: The only grown man since the middle ages to wear a suit of armor in public and still get laid.
Or maybe he just likes naked ladies. Yeah, it's the naked ladies.
Iron Man is Marvel's Batman.* And Iron Man and Batman are the greatest comic book superheros EVER.
ReplyBecause everyone knows that they ultimate super power is an unlimited budget.
*I am not implying that Iron Man is a rip off of Batman, or vise versa. Merely pointing out that they are both rich guys with awesome gadgets that fight crime instead of wasting their money on cars, chicks and various other ridiculous things, like hotels you're buying just because the two chicks you're pretending to be on a date with decided to swim in the only pool in the world that you're not supposed to swim in and you are told to leave.**
**I'm sorry, I meant ALL their money. Silly me.
Actually the first one was explained in the movie. First is the fact that it's established that he's already a mechanical genius (he builds all the weapons himself before having them mass-produced). Second is that he was there during the course of 3 months. And third is that the suit was actually designed to be of the same color and bulk as a missile. And they did find out actually.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesStill a mildly funny article though.
Im sorry your parents never hugged you.
Oh, THREE MONTHS? He took three entire months to build something that could probably take over the world if he wanted to, in the desert with no access to high-tech military facilities? That makes it so much more plausible. Thanks for sharing!
@AbdulJah: you are forgetting that Tony Stark lives in the same world with the Hulk and Captain America. They would kick his ass before he could do anything.
Uh, this was his first suit we're talking about. It was a bit more 'budget' than the suit he poured hundreds of untold millions into. It didn't stand up very well to .50 caliber machine gun rounds, so forget about missiles and anti-tank weapons. I doubt he was going to take over the world in that thing.
He did miniaturize the arc reactor, but since he had already invented the full sized version, just chalk that up to being a freakin' genius.
ACTUALLY, in the movie it wasn't over a matter of a couple days, it was 3 months, which he states when he arrives back in the USA and gets in the car with Pepper and explains how he wants an "American Cheeseburger"
ReplyAh Iron Man.
ReplyOh, and his very first suit was grey, made out of scrap, and in the ORIGINAL comic, he also did what they wanted as well.
He just made sure that the Armour was finished first. And it was shite ugly.
Yep, there's really nothing more complicated.
Replyhttp://www.cracked.com/funny-1747-monopoly/
Reply