The Sandwich

The sandwich is a staple in dining around the world. There are literally endless possibilities with sandwiches, from light, healthy meals to jalopies that are world famous for their capacity to cause health problems.

Just The Facts

  1. A sandwich consists of two identical outer layers (usually bread) and anywhere from one to infinite inner layers.
  2. Inner layers usually include: meat, cheese, condiments, vegetables, and an occasional booger or loogie.
  3. Fast food sandwiches cause one heart attack per square yard eaten. [Outright Lie]


People have been stacking bread, meat, and at some later point, cheese, since man first learned that combining two or more foods tasted good. No one knows who the first person to do it was, but the first recorded person that was too lazy to cook an elaborate meal was a 1st century rabbi named Hillel the Elder. Hillel made them a Passover custom by using matzohs and several weird toppings that probably caused cholera of the mouth when eaten all together. In the middle-ages, the sandwich supposedly evolved into what they called "trenchers." These were not people who rubbed their buttcracks in others' faces, but were a type of open faced sandwich.

The term sandwich was not officially used until 1762, when an English author used it in a writing. The term gained even heavier use because of of the 4th Earl of Sandwich. Since he allegedly ordered this item regularly, people would say "I'll have the same as Sandwich." The sandwich gained popularity from there, and by the 19th century some countries adored the food as a cheap way to feed to working class.

"May I have another cockroach and rain water sandwich, milord?"

Today, the sandwich has become so popular that there are several different billion dollar industries that only make specific types of sandwiches. (Be sure to look at the right side of that page, where it says "Revenue" and "Net Income." Also be sure to be appalled.)

Major Types

The term sandwich is now very broad due to the endless number of items that you're able to put inside of them, and also how the sandwiches themselves are constructed. Open faced sandwiches are cut from the top or side, with only that one side of the sandwich open. Club sandwiches have two layers of fillings between three slices of bread. By this logic, a Big Mac is a club sandwich, so next time you go to McDonald's, order a club sandwich. Be sure to observe the hilarious "Go eat a mound of turds" look you are bound to get.

Submarine Sandwich/Hoagie/Grinder/and about 50 other dumbass names all refer to a long (usually 8 inches or more) submarine shaped sandwich. Why there are so many names, no one should know or care to ask. Just call it a sub. Philly Cheese Steaks are usually similar to a sub, and are filled with a colostomy inducing trio of steak, shit-tons of cheese, and fried onions/peppers. If you eat more than 1 per week, you'll obtain your own NASA listing as a dwarf planet.

"And here we can see the most recently discovered dwarf planet, "Big Red Tony". Note the bellybutton at the top."

Burgers are by far the most popular type of sandwich in terms of commercial sales. It consists of a meat (most often beef) patty on a bun and usually all of the following: cheese, condiments, vegetables, and guilt. The Chicken Sandwich is the burger's sexy cousin. It comes in several variants, from plain and simple to mayonnaise-soaked sandwich Frankenstein monsters.

There is also the "Dagwood:" A towering, pulsating, real-life monster of a sandwich. This term is used to refer to those sandwiches that you see on Scooby Doo, that have both infinite layers and ingredients. Reubens and Rachels are the freak misfits of sandwiches. A Reuben is corned beef, sauerkraut, swiss cheese, and either Russian or Thousand Island Dressing on rye bread. A Rachel is pretty much the same, except with cole slaw instead of sauerkraut and maybe pastrami instead of corned beef depending on where you are from. It is believed that these were both invented when a bread truck wrecked with several other various deli-related trucks. If you eat either of these, prepare to fart yourself to the moon.

"To the moon...or possibly Big Red Tony."

There aren't typically any ridiculous or stupid names for a regular, white bread/meat/cheese run-of-the-mill sandwich. They're just (insert names of meat and cheese here) sandwiches.

Condiments and Toppings

Today, anything and everything can be found in sandwiches. Go to your nearest cafe and order a toejam and ass hair sandwich..with cheese. We'll guarantee they'll have it. If you really have the derp-capacity to do it, then you just wasted five dollars.

Most all sandwiches are centered around a meat. It is the Tom Hanks of the sandwich. The list of sandwich meats you may find is endless: ham, beef, turkey, chicken, scorpion, sliced cutlets of processed raw sewage'll probably see everything eventually. A few sandwiches, like peanut butter and jelly, do not contain a meat.

Some of us begrudgingly put fruits and vegetables on our sandwiches to try to make them a little more healthy. Lettuce was once voted by readers of USA Today to be America's favorite burger topping, thus proving Americans to be the biggest liars ever as we would rather eat pure grease than something healthy. Tomatoes are popular as well, but are even more common when used in ketchup. Pickles are vinegar-laced cucumber slices that, unlike regular cucumbers, have the awesome benefit of not tasting like grassy shit. Onions are also popular, but it is recommended to avoid them if you want to avoid dumpster breath.

Condiments usually refer to the liquids that we enjoy slathering our sandwiches with. Ketchup is the sweet, salty, tomato-based ambrosia that can be found on most any burger and several other sandwiches. Mustard is the sour Robin to ketchup's Batman. Much like Robin, though, some people dislike mustard. Thus, Ketchup gets all of the glory and credit from Commissioner Gordon.

The last of the noteworthy condiments is mayonnaise. It is something nobody just sort of likes. Either you eat mayo by the boatload, or you'll puke just from seeing it on your sandwich. It is a fattening, white goo made of eggs and soybean oil. Telling someone you want more or none of this makes them put either less or a whole jar, respectively. If you hate mayonnaise, well, too fucking bad because it for some reason accounts for about 90% of a sandwich's weight if the sandwich comes with it.

Most importantly, sandwiches usually have some kind of cheese on them. Cheese is America's likely real favorite burger topping...actually, favorite any sandwich topping. Actually, favorite anything topping. Seriously, cheese equals instant edibility.

Some weird but not uncommon toppings and modifications include: chili, jalapenos, jelly, fried eggs (not as primary meat), salad dressing, salsa, guacamole, gunpowder, marinara sauce, toothpaste, lard, and cole slaw. Some of those are made up, but the point is people will eat most anything on their sandwiches.

Nothing goes better with wheat than wheat.

Major Purveyors and Their Stupidest Concoctions

Everyone knows the major burger joints: McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Carl's Jr/Hardee's. Some smaller but still big burger joints include: Sonic, Krystal, White Castle, Red Robin and Five Guys. Needless to say, burgers are everywhere. There's also Subway, Blimpie, Jersey Mike's or Quiznos if you want subs. These are just a handful of fast food vendors that sell just sandwiches, and many slow food restaurants serve them as well. In fact, almost all restaurants have at least one or two sandwiches on the menu.

As America falls deeper and deeper into debt and lazy-osity (Trademarked term [not really]), they are becoming more and more reliant on sandwiches as a quick, cheap meal. Restaurants have noticed this, and have seemed to have started to make their sandwiches so addictively fattening and cheap that not even the best diet and workouts will save you unless you can pry yourself away from eating them. Here are just a few of the monstrousities that have oozed out of the fast food industry's proverbial ass in recent years (mostly burgers):

The McDonald's McGriddle - Believe it or not, these pancake-enveloped creations have almost as much fat as a Big Mac, and are almost half the size. If you want to start your morning out right (by calling in sick from an ass blowout) then get one today.

The KFC Double Down - We guarantee that KFC's marketing team had to restrain themselves from naming it the "Double Over," and/or also from appending "On the Toilet" to the end of this sandwich's name. Two chicken patties for bread, filled with cheese, bacon, and a sauce that is either salad dressing or spicy whale jizz. It's not actually that fattening for a no-bread sandwich, but it sure as hell is enriched with salt with almost 1.5 GRAMS of sodium. Yeah, your brain didn't wank off there. Grams.

The Carl's Jr. Footlong Burger - There does not exist an image of this sandwich yet that does not look disgusting, nor will one ever exist. This twelve inch rectal ass-whoopin' costs anywhere from four to seven dollars, and will probably make you gain the same number of pounds.

The Hardee's Monster Burger - It's incredible that a sandwich with only 5 ingredients can have over 100 grams of fat, but Hardee's managed to do so with the Monster Burger. Then again, if you sculpt the sandwich entirely out of different kinds of grease, it's pretty easy. At way over a pound, it is a readily available means of assisted suicide.

Fuddrucker's Buttfuckerupper (not official) - Every image of this sandwich has someone weighing it and/or marveling at the grotesque beauty of it. At 30 pounds, it's only for parties, and you could overdose on burger if you tried to eat it all. Try telling that to God/Satan when you get to heaven/hell.

Doughnut Burgers - Found at any place that has hired assassins instead of cooks. These are the real life equivalent of that pastry that would have killed Homer on The Simpsons, had he eaten it.

Future Sandwich Predicitions

Here is a list of predictions for future products, one for almost each major sandwich company in the U.S.:

McDonald's: McDonald's is not typically well known for crazy, over-the-top sandwiches, with the exception of the McRib. Speaking of the McRib, however, they are experts of unidentifiable meat and/or body parts. Thus, their next sandwich, the McDick, will probably sell like Hot Cakes.

Burger King: Burger King is lazy, and has never put much effort into creating new menu items. It's highly likely they'll just keep adding layers to current burgers. In short, keep an eye out for the quadruple and quintuple Whoppers.

Wendy's: Wendy's never gets your order right, so they don't deserve a new burger. Suck it, Wendy's.

Sonic: Since Sonic is way into drinks for some reason, it's safe to say that they'll probably try a sandwich flavored one soon. Look for Burger and Sausage Biscuit Milkshakes this fall.

Subway: Being a sub sandwich restaurant, Subway has always been more health crazed than the others, so a good guess would be just plain bread sandwiches. Yes folks, for only $3 you can have an empty sub roll that you could have bought at Wal-Mart for a tenth the price. Eat up.

KFC: KFC will probably take the safe route and try to make a healthier sandwich. They're going to have to lay low for a while after causing so much chronic diarrhea. Since they already made a grilled Double Down only to have it feature even more salt, Lord knows what it will be.

Chik-Fil-A: Now, a select few Northerners and Westerners are probably saying to themselves, "What's a Chik-Fil-A and where can I eat one?" It's probably the best thing to ever come out of the South. However, it lacks one thing that most other fast food joints have: frivolous sandwiches. They'll likely follow suit with a double chicken sandwich. Can't wait.

Carl's Jr./Hardee's: It will be very difficult to top their latest creation, the foot long burger. However, these two sister companies are always thinking of ways to slowly kill their customers. Since each crazy burger they've made has been crazier than the last, we can only predict that they will go the way of KFC with the double down sandwich, except make it crazier. A 6 inch-thick slab of beef between two fully assembled hamburgers for buns.

Oh yeah. Your ass belongs to them.