5 Ways To Tell If Your Protagonist Is James Bond

The man, the legend, the...theme music please!

Duh-nuh DUH-NUH!

Just The Facts

  1. Bond.
  2. James.
  3. Bond.

5. Everything he owns is worth more than your house

Bond has proven to be a perfect advertising vehicle for luxury products. He is the guy that aging men wish they were and thus caters to the fish-in-a-barrel "mid-life-crisis" demographic. From Armani to Rolex, Bond is always dressed to kill. Apparently, MI6 spares no expense in making their top agent look like he's strutting straight off the runway.

"eee........ooo.............aaa..............God, I'm good."

One of the longest marketing relationships the series has had is with Aston Martin, an English car company that has provided Bond with transportation for decades. The power, elegance, and abundant gadgetry of Bond's vehicles mirror his own persona. Unfortunately, the cars cannot be equipped with weapons by the manufacturer (no matter how many "empty" threats they receive) so if you are looking to badass-up your Aston Martin, it's a do-it-yourself type of thing. Make sure to include lotsa s'plodies!

4. He's bulletproof

This is a common complaint for all action films. No matter how often the protagonist is shot at, they never seem to get hit. In the end, somewhere amid the scoff's and "yeah right"s of the action moviegoing experience, you realize that the story may waver (just slightly) if the lead character dies halfway through the film. Although, it did work for that one movie. The one about that psycho killer. You know...

Rocky IV

The "bulletproof" phenomenon is obnoxiously prevalent in most Hollywood action films but Bond takes it to a whole new level. We're beginning to consider that James is bending the very fabric of space-time around himself in order to dodge bullets and prolong the franchise. Both of these feats grow exponentially less likely as time passes. Seeing as the average henchman in the Bond universe has the shooting accuracy of an epileptic stormtrooper, it's no wonder that 007 continues to waltz into secret lairs like they're fucking Walmarts.

"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to save!"

3. He Can Knock Anyon- *thud*

Along the same lines as the "bulletproof" phenomenon comes another action film mainstay that the Bond franchise overuses more than hack comedy writers overuse the word "phenomenon".

The Snuggie phenomenon

Typical scenario: Bond has just infiltrated the bad guy's underwater hideout. He can't just start walking around dressed in his evening wear (major faux pas). So, he knocks a guard unconscious with a quick karate chop to the neck or blow to the head with the butt of his gun, and dons his disguise. For those of you who have attempted this in real life, wow...really? That's either wickedly awesome or terribly disturbing. Also, you know that shit ain't easy. Of course, with Bond, it's like everything he touches is magically rendered unconscious. He's the King Midas of knocking people the fuck out.

Pictured: Bond as an actual King Midas.

In the real world, this ability would be a total pain. Shoving your way to the front of the line at the bank every Wednesday would result in multiple comas, instead of the routine attacks on your character and head. Also, if you're used to having sex when both you and you're partner are awake, get unused to it.

2. The Man Bleeds Cheese

Bond's solidified presence in popular culture is due heavily to the amount of cheese that is direct-injected into the dialogue of each film. The Bond franchise is the Taco Bell of the cinema.

In case you have never been subjected to these laughable lines, you've at least heard them being parodied. Think of the cheesiest words you can mush together and imagine you are going to channel them into a kamikaze, one-liner attempt to make a woman feel uncomfortable. Now try saying the line out loud without adding a British accent a la 007. The reason all of your "r"s just became silent is because, while Bond didn't invent cheese, he made it goddamn delicious. To distract you from the rapid breakdown of my metaphor, here's a few examples:

From Goldeneye (1995)
Xenia Onatopp: "You don't need the gun."
James Bond: "Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex."

From The World Is Not Enough (1999)

James Bond: "I was wrong about you."

Christmas Jones: "Yeah, how so?"

James Bond: "I thought Christmas only comes once a year."

From Never Say Never Again (1983)

Fatima Blush: "Oh! How reckless of me. I made you all wet."

James Bond: "Yes, but my martini's still dry."

Wordplay?!? Holy crap!

Granted, the recent reboot of the franchise has been lacking in the cheesy pun department but you can be sure Daniel Craig will be trading in his badass attitude for a laser watch and some innuendo soon enough.

Is this a gun in my hand or are you just happy to-..wait...shit.

1. "The name's Bond. James Bond."

Who else introduces himself like he's confirming a reservation at the Holiday Inn? This signature catchphrase, as well as watching an obsessive compulsive asshole order martinis, is what people wait for in every 007 film. In fact, some people don't even pay attention to the story. They just sit there in the dark and mouth the words over and over, only to let out a delighted giggle when he finally says it. At this point, they quietly leave the theatre.

Just say it already so I can fake an orgasm and go home.

Don't believe us? Try this. Next time you are watching a Bond film in theaters, look around once he's said "Bond, James Bond" and you'll realize half the people are looking for their coats and shifting toward the door. If you haven't realized it's a Bond film by this point...there's no reason to finish this sentence because said person would surely be unable to read or own a computer.