Malcolm In The Middle

While this show was on, it received generally favorable reviews. As stated above, in its six year run, it won a wheel barrel full of awards. Kind of makes your first six years in life pale in comparison.

Cry all ya want, kid, you have plenty of toys at home. We're not buying you an Emmy!

It ran for 151 episodes and most were good, shall I say, pretty funny even. As a matter of fact, aside from Futurama, classic Simpsons, and Arrested Development, this may be the best show to have ever come from Fox Sunday nights.

Then again, that's not too hard when all you have to compete with is this guy and Banzai

In any case, for having run for six years, there were a couple things we never really found out. Most namely, where they live and what there last name is. The location of this show was never revealed, even to the final episode. It wasn't an onrunning joke about not knowing what state they lived in like the Simpsons, but we didn't even know what town they lived in. Hell, we even knew the oldest son's, Francis, military school was located in Alabama. Then that he worked in Alaska. But nothing on his family.

These things aside, we can use some hints to deduce where they live. For instance, the aforementioned son living in Alabama and Alaska and the fact that this is an American comedy both elude us to believe they must leave somewhere in America. Aren't I smart? Wait a minute... Alabama.... Alaska... well, according to the song Fifty Nifty United States, Arizona is most likely where they live. Although, that would be horrible, who wants to watch a show about Arizona let alone live in Arizona. Perhaps that is where the ranch that Francis worked on in the later seasons was, but more on that later. Well, the next state is Arkansas. However just look at Malcolm's best friend and Hal's.... well all of Hal's friends and......... well its not Arkansas. So perhaps California? This possibility is supported by the fact that in the show, there is generally always nice weather. However, they never go to the ocean and the beach is mentioned all of once throughout the entire series. Somewhere near the east coast seems much more likely. Why? Because that's where I've always pictured it. And I'm a published author on the internet, so you have to listen to me damn it! Unless the cracked editors don't publish this, in which case you're not reading it so suck on that!

...

Anywho, we may never know where they live. Hell, for all we know, they may not live on Earth. But that's highly unlikely, no one on any other planet would ever let Child's Play be made.

Although, I would be willing to believe that Lois is some sort of alien queen permanently on her period and feeding off the misery of her children.

Moving on, the last name. They never do actually tell us the last name. According to the official wikipedia page regarding Malcolm in the Middle, their name once appears on Francis's military school nametag. It also said that there was a part in the script for the pilot that addressed the last name, but that was of course removed, no one wants to know more about poor people than they have to. Apparently there was also some sort of ad campaign that said there last name. Anyways, all of these reveal the last name which is....... is the suspense getting to you? ........ Wilkerson.

I'll let you take that in on your own pace. But yes, the best sitcom family of the first decade of the new century's last name is Wilkerson. To hell with that, just pretend that wikipedia article didn't exist.

Did I say best sitcom family of the first decade? Seriously though, fuck these guys.

What we do know is that this is a lower middle class and very dysfunctional family, because everyone loves to laugh at people less fortunate than themselves. Sometimes they drift away from being funny to teach us an important lesson, that lesson being that it sucks to be poor. The kids love to get into trouble and the parents love to have sex. Which, as mentioned before, is what makes this family happen, but more on that later.

Malcolm:

Isn't he a cutey?

As the show's title might suggest, Malcolm is the main character of the series. A paragraph about him could not go by without mentioning that Malcolm is a fucking genius. He's been offered a six figure salary the moment he got out of high school, his mom turned it down. He once made a huge contribution to medicine with enzymes and espestos or some shit like that, I don't know. You know what he got? A pencil case! He graduated a year early as valedictorian and went to Harvard, but he had to be a janitor in order to pay it off. He's a fucking genius, and he wants you to know it, but is always screwed over in life, and wants you to know it even more. Hell, if he brought Einstein back to life, had a brain off with him and won, people wouldn't give a shit due to the fact that the dead are walking the Earth. They'd then realize it was Einstein and trample Malcolm just to get to Albert and shake his hand.

Just picture some sort of hybrid between these two pictures

In the first episode, Malcolm tests into a smart class. He doesn't want to go because he feels he is different enough already, but due to their families general failure, Lois(his mom), insists that he do it. He then doesn't want to befriend the local kripple, Stevie Kenarban, because he feels he is different enough already. Due to his... well, friendlessness though, Lois insists that he befriends this poor child. Noticing a pattern yet? Throughout the series, he is the everyman... well, at least to the elementary school kid reading at a college level population out there. He tries to be relatable to the average growing up kid, but has a hard time doing so. He also makes asides and has a power similar to Zach Morris from saved by the bell: www.cracked.com/article_14845_7-greatest-superpowers.html. Except of course that Malcolm's is less like freezing time and more like slowing time, much like from that movie Clock Stoppers. What is Clock Stoppers, you might be asking. So am I.

Pictured: Complete irrelevancy

Now I know what you're thinking. "With a character like that, this show must be great. Who even needs the rest of the cast. There's nothing more you, Mr. Writer, could tell me worth knowing about this show." Well you've got some nerve mister! But despite Malcolm being the main character of the show, he is very possibly the least exciting character on the show, at least of the central family. And yes, that includes Ida and her husband who appeared on the show all of once. All he does is bitch and moan about how crappy his life is. He eventually gets a job where his mom works, but of course complains nonstop about it. Then, when the aforementioned six figure job is offered to him, Lois turns it down and tells Malcolm she hopes, or rather, EXPECTS Malcolm to become president. Knowing him, he'll either screw that up or complain because he has to give too many speeches. For how good the show was, he is perhaps one of the most annoying characters in any sitcom. Well...

Did I say most annoying? Seriously though, fuck these guys

Lois:

Lois as she appears for roughly 95% of her life

Lois is a mother of five and soon to be six, the husband to Hal, and a just general, all around bitch. Of course, as discussed earlier, she may also be an alien, but there is no word yet on whether or not she can turn invisible or that she hunts humans for sport..... but I'm keeping my eyes open.

Notice the resemblance?

In any case, she has an authoritarian style of parenting, which basically means her word is law, and if her law is broken, shit happens. And we don't mean the funny Forrest Gump "It happens" "What? Shit?" but bad stuff like being sent to military school or kicked out of the house. In the series, her character doesn't really progress much. She has a short fuse and really loves sex. Hell, if it weren't for her and Hal's, as Hal once claimed, twice a day sex sessions, the two would likely fall apart, and the family with them. Sex is also of course how babies are made, at least according to science, so it of course was what made the five kids. Although, no word on what science has to say about predator's mating rituals. But when it was said that sex was the sticky, sticky glue holding this family together, it was not a lie.

So this is where it all starts huh?

She works as a cashier at grocery store called Lucky Aide, but eventually goes crazy and makes a bunch of pigs out of bleach jugs and loses her job... hey, you can't make this shit up. She eventually gets her job back, though, which is a plus, but unfortunately stops making pigs. She lands Malcolm a job at Lucky Aide, which of course he deplores because he's such a little prick. Oh, and regarding that "soon to be a mother of six" thing I mentioned, at the end of the last episode, she comes out of the bathroom screaming or something like that. Anyways, she's holding a pregnancy test which happens to be positive. Oh Lois, you and your little rabbit mating shenanigans.

Hal:

What a fucking man

Perhaps Hal is the everyman on this show, he's definitely a lot better of a candidate than Malcolm. He's got a family, a somewhat stable job, and enjoys... well, sex. These qualities seem to make him the everyman, until you realize he once lost his job. What is so strange about that? Well, its more the circumstances under which it happened. One morning, he went out to his van to find two FBI agents waiting. They questioned him about a coworker, but Hal refused to snitch about something that not only didn't happen, but the agents actually pretty much tell him it didn't happen. The blame is then placed on him and he of course loses his job and very nearly screws the family for life. It is at this point that Lois went crazy and started making all the pig jugs. What saved him was the fact that Malcolm the genius prick realizes that all of the dates in question where Hal was doing... something, I don't fucking know what, happen to be Fridays. Hal hasn't been to work on a Friday for some X amount of years and has souvenirs to be an alibi. So, yeah, everyman indeed.

Just another day

So what else is there to say about Hal? Seriously, that wasn't being cute, I need an answer. Oh well, I'll try. Hal is generally seen as the nicer of the two parents, to the point that sometimes he is stepped on by the kids like a welcome mat. If he wants to, he can get angry, but its more funny than it is scary. Although, it is revealed that he has a secret dark side in one episode where Lois leaves. But calling it a darkside wouldn't be doing it justice. Its more of a holy-motherfucking-shit-this-dude-is-fucking-insane-and-is-that-a-bee-canon?!?!?-side. He also enjoys poker and is the only white guy in his group of friends.... but yeah, bee canon.

Reese:

Behind those evil little eyes still lies a sould. An evil soul

I'd like to say Reese is the everyman, but the one small thing about him that disqualifies him from this position is everything about him. He's dumb, he's rude, he's mean. He has a job at a slaughter house and moved up through the ranks to the point that he's the same grade of employee as Lois... on his first day on the job. After he graduates high school, he strives to be head janitor at the same high school in which he just graduated. Between him, Malcolm, and Dewey, the three form a formidable team committing shenanigans all over town. His exploits include spray painting a bill board advertising a stip club, claiming to be a vegetarian to impress a girl while stapling bacon to his hat, framing the previous head janitor for peeping on the girl's locker room, creating a huge fireworks show to impress Francis that blinded him, Malcolm, and Francis for three days, and something unspeakable involving kittens that got him kicked out. If Reese appeals as an everyman to you, you are a person who I hope to stay far far away from.

Dewey:

Cuteness incarnate

Dewey was a character who started out awesome but slowly got more and more depressing as he grew up. He mostly appeals as the everyman to the emotionally disturbed, musical genius crowd, but more on that later.

From humble beginnings, Dewey started as the cute younger person you wish wasn't your brother, but someone you knew. Because such things can't be put into words, I offer you the following videos for proof:

www.youtube.com/watch

www.youtube.com/watch

If you need more proof, watch the first few seasons of Malcolm in the Middle. But as the seasons went on, he grew up. Why the fuck would they do this to their fans? Well, apparently its this new crazy thing kids are doing. I don't know, hopefully its just a fad that'll wear out, but its too late to save Dewey. In the later seasons it was revealed that he might also be a genius like Malcolm. Malcolm, being the douche he is, wants to keep Dewey out of this class becuase of his own experience. He gives Dewey fake answers from Reese. Reese's answers land Dewey in the emotionally disturbed class. Dewey has a chance to get out of the class, but wants to look out for the people in it since they can't look out for themselves. He also develops a musical talent and goes off to win competitions and such. You might say he puts the fun back FUNk!

www.youtube.com/watch

I'm aware I promised no more stupid puns. However, I never said anything about hilarious puns.

Later in the series, he becomes less cute and much more depressed. Here's an actual quote from him, "And you people wonder why I cry myself to sleep every night." What the fuck is that? How can the first two videos become that? Its just horrible.

Francis:

Pure dbag look

Francis is the oldest of the kids and somehow worse than Reese. I only say this because he is sent to military school while Reese is allowed to finish high school with everyone else. Of course, Francis drops out of high school to go get a shitty job in Alaska. He never seems to actually make any money in this job, but it is here that he meets and marries Piama. And however fast you read this last sentence is about as fast as it actually happened. He meets Piama, and a week later marries her and doesn't tell anyone. The forest he works at is completely logged, so he loses his job. After Alaska, there is a brief period where he is just kind of a bum, but then gets a job following a band on tour. This job is then never mentioned again and he somehow lost it. Francis then meets a kindly German couple who own a dude ranch. Here he learns responsibility and becomes a lot more boring, but still less so than Malcolm.

And a LOT less boring than these guys. Seriously though, fuck these guys. And don't deny that you saw this one coming

Eventually he, guess what, loses his job. He then finds a desk job doing... something. In any case, he lies to his mom just to piss her off that he still doesn't have a job. In fact, his general goal in life is to piss his mom off. Does she deserve it? I don't know, but he better start covering himself in mud whenever he's around her lest he be seen.

Honestly, though, I'd love to be just like him some day.

Jaime:

No picture available. But you know what a baby looks like, don't fucking lie.

Jaime is the fifth son of Lois and Hal. He is a baby and, as if in one day, suddenly a toddler. This is literally his entire character. He doesn't talk, he is somewhat troublesome. Moving on.

Piama:

Piama. Yeah

Piama doesn't do much. She's kind of bitchy in the same way as Lois. She mainly serves as mediocre eye candy and a punching bag for Lois. Is she hot? Kind of... I don't know. Is she ugly? Not really. Also she's married to Francis and once was naked. On screen.

You perv, nothing was shown, its a show on Fox, come one.

Ida:

Ida is Lois's mother. She lives in Canada and comes from a country that, in all likely hood, doesn't exist anymore. She's mean, she's bitter. She actually sounds a lot like most people's grandmothers. She enjoys pelting Christmas carolers with snowballs and just showing up where she doesn't belong at unopportuned times.

Stevie Kenarban:

Stevie is Malcolm's crippled, nerdy best friend who only has one lung and super overprotective parents. He is also black. We are supposed to pity him and I'm not sure if the previous sentence was part of the pitying or just a coincidence, but I really hope it was the latter. Stevie helped Malcolm do his medicine thing, but no word yet on whether or not he received his pencil case. Poor guy, now he'll never know where his pencils are. His mother also ran out on him.

And you know what's best about this all? Even after all of that, Malcolm will still complain while around him. You know one of the things he complains about? Having two girlfriends. Oh, and that six figure job that Malcolm was offered and taken away? The man who offered it to him was actually Stevie's dad's friend. Jesus, there's more I could say, but I don't want to lest I start to cut myself so I may feel his pain.

Craig Feldspar:

If there is an everyman on this show, I pray it is not Craig. He's fat, lazy, has his apartment broken into and burned down, and works at a dead end job. Oh, and worst of all, he owns a cat! He works with Lois at the Lucky Aide. However, he sucks at his job and it is hinted that new employees quickly pass him. He's also in love with Lois who, if you look at that picture up there again, you might notice is.... Well, strive not to be Craig when you grow up.

Abe Kenarban:

Abe is like a blacker, better version of Craig. He had a pretty hot wife and has a son. He also has friends. Otherwise, he is pretty much the same damn character, so much so to the point that when Hal is talking about Abe and when Lois is talking about Craig, they don't even realize they're talking about the same damn person.

Is Malcolm in the Middle done forever? The answer is unclear, aside from a resounding yes. But would I pay to see a Malcolm movie? God no. Most actors from this show have no future. Lois is on some TNT drama as a judge and Craig is on..... wait for it.......... Big Time Rush. If you don't know what that is, don't bother finding out. Its awful and you will hurt your soul just knowing of the show's existence. Malcolm has been in several movies that were pretty bad. That's it, though. The rest of the cast will probably never be heard from again until they get their own reality TV show to show the world that, yes, they are important. Until then, just look for reruns, its better than anything on TV these days(And you know what's coming next.)

I suppose his movies weren't really that bad. Seriously though, fuck these guys.