Snake Plissken

-Under Construction-Do you need someone to kill a lot of people, sneer, and then escape from a pair of letters? Good news, then. Snake Plissken can probably do it. No, he's not dead. Why do people always think that?

You can pretty much tell that he's going to fuck your whole day up...

Just The Facts

  1. Snake Plissken is fucking badass. Even looking at him can cause injury.
  2. If there was an opposite of Care Bears, they would be Don't-Give-A-Fuck Snakes, and they would all look like Snake Plissken.
  3. He gets all of his clothes from Assassins and Rock Stars. Probably right after he has killed them.

Escape From New York

Snake Plissken first appeared in John Carpenter's 1981 apocalyptic action movie "Escape From New York", and was played by Kurt Russell, known for his ongoing ability to be a total badass motherfucker in front of a camera. The movie starts with Snake in jail, in the very gritty future of 1997. Surprisingly, the fictional 1997 seemed to have had an unusual amount of influence on the actual year 1997...

The Army jerk guys let Snake out of jail, but only if he will go on a mission for them. He agrees, and they trust him enough to put a giant digital watch on him, which shows how long he will live before the little bomb in his neck goes off.

Then, Snake's on a plane, and he has to pilot it into "the bad neighborhood" (all of New York really, but he has the world's most shitty GPS/map thing to show him which part to go to).

Cabbie

Brain

Maggie

The Duke

The President

Escape From L.A.

As soon as you begin watching this movie, you will notice that something is wrong. Probably that it's a long music video that doesn't make a lot of sense in terms of plot. Here's how the whole movie works:

1) Snake walks into an area.

2) Weirdos confront him.

3) 90s Rock starts to play.

4) Special effects.

5) Snake kills everybody there.

6) Snake makes darkly comic witty remark.

You basically just go through this process about 15 times, and that's it; the movie is over. Then you can wonder why the first movie was so good but the second movie was so mediocre. It might be the lack of Ernest Borgnine, but it's probably nothing so simple.

It just seems like John Carpenter forgot what made Escape From New York kick so much ass, or maybe he found out he was allergic to it, and couldn't put it into the movie. Kurt Russell still tries his best, but almost everything about this movie seems off, almost like it was directed by someone totally different. Maybe they needed Nick Castle as a screenwriter or something, and it wouldn't work without him.

Whatever the case is, if you liked the first movie, you are pretty much screwed. You can't resist watching the second one, even if you have been warned that it is bad; but then when you watch it you can't enjoy most of it because it seems to be some kind of weird MTV-spawned experiment that failed.