Lindsay Lohan is the news a lot. Like everyday. However her recent sentencing to 90 days in jail for breaking the laws of her probation has jogged a memory in my sorted brain.
In the early months of 2010 I was contacted via facebook by a man representing a publication he called " Flood The Ant Hole " . I had never heard of it, but then again it was only a short time ago that I learned underwear were also made for men. So what did i know ? He informed me that his outfit was willing to pay me ( in foldin money ! ) to spend a weekend with a well known celebrity and then wax poetic in regard to said weekend. The man, who would only refer to himself as "Gorrini" made it clear that all my expenses would be paid and that I was free to use any tactics necessary to gain subject material for my article. Any tactics necessary.
I'll be perfectly honest with you. Despite the over emphasis he put on the word "any" I found this to be the most legitimate sounding idea to ever be passed in front me. My only fear was that this "Gorinni" character was actually one of my alter egos run wild , but who has time for such thoughts? I was about to get PAID !!!
Mr. Gorinni also informed me that a one way plane ticket to Hollywood (coach) would be provided for me as well as a limotaxi , which would await me at the airport. I wasn't sure what a limotaxi was but if it could combined the luxury and grace of a taxi cab with the the Joe Everyman sense of normality a limousine provides then I was in for a ride. Speaking aloud to my monitor I inquired where I might find such a boon. He replied to me that the ticket could be found under my left hand. Lo and behold , there it was !!!
So off I went to California. . Spirits high , pencils sharpened and my most trusty notebook at the ready. During the flight it occurred to me that Gorrini had never actually told me which celebrity he had assigned to me. Amazingly my phone rang at that exact moment. The ring tone was Yakity Sax. This pleased me, and despite the many warnings I received from the overly irate stewardess I answered my blackberry during the descent in California.
"Is this.......The Big Ragu ? " the voice sounded tense, it had to be Gorinni
"The Biggest " I replied.
"Ok, once you land get to the Cinnabun at gate 13 and look for the sign that says RAGU"
The directions were so simple , yet I felt compelled to speak anyway.
"What are you wearing ? " There was no reply.
Upon landing I followed my instructions and proceeded directly to the Cinnabun at gate 13. Directly mind you . I was out of breath when I arrived , the handrail on the moving sidewalk was out of order. I scanned the room for the RAGU sign but it was difficult to focus. It seemed that all 3 of the fish tacos I ate were engaged in a holy war against the Wendy's Baconater in my stomach. What ? It's a long way between gates 10 and 13.
The room was spinning, and I saw smoke in the air. I heard voices. Loud , angry voices.
"Sir ! Sir this is an airport . You can't smoke in here ...SIR ? "
As I slowly succumbed to the 5 alarm fire in my gut I noticed a large pool of Mountain Dew emanating from beneath the sales counter. I found it odd that I could see under the counter all of the sudden. I would later learn that the liquid was not my favorite soda but that my bowels had indeed let loose in the event of my impending death , but that's another story.
When I awoke there was a woman's finger in my mouth . Disgusted I bit down as hard as I could. Perhaps a severed finger would be a suitable gift for the gods and would buy my passage across the river STYX and into the afterlife. That was when I heard the voice.
no not that " The Voice" but good guess classic rockers
"Oh silly , you couldn't chew gum in your condition , but thanks for the nibble, I wont forget it."
That voice ! Could it be ? It was so angelic it made me forget that I didn't even draw blood with my death bite, or that I had just woke up with a finger in my mouth. I forced open my eyelids as far as I could and witnessed a goddess. There , leaning over me , index finger in my mouth , was Lindsey Lohan.
Oh my stars it was her. Right there in front of me. Overly dyed hair spilling in waves around her shoulders . She gazed down at me with the most benign and lovely smile I had ever seen. I was dumbfounded , and scarcely knew what to say. How does one speak to a goddess made flesh ?
I gathered my strength , looked deep into her eyes and spoke from the heart .
" a spwon vuerln quelt " whoa , what did I just say ? She giggled and removed her index finger from my mouth.
"I love your rack ! "
There , I said it. Now I could die happy. She rose from the bedside and looked down on me.
" I know you do sweety , that's why I saved you from the airport." She was so wonderfull , truly a sight to behold. She was crammed into a black corset two sizes too small and sported a pair of red booty shorts that were clearly designed for a much larger woman. Her only jewelry was a tiara that appeared to be fashioned from menthol cigarettes and copper wire. Elegant with a touch of old fashioned purity. Good breeding stock this one.
" How did you know ? " I inquired. Again her smile was pure joy. " Your agent , what was his name ? Oh yes Gorrini. He informed me that he was sending you here to do an expose on me and my career. He also told me that you were a big fan , as well as a fast food connoisseur. It was only logical that I would find you weeping on the floor at the Cinnabun." Logical , of course it was , she's so smart I thought. Wait , what ?
"Wait , what ?" I asked in confusion. Her explanation made perfect sense.
" You really should be more careful darling , you ate at Del Taco and Wendy's in the span of 10 minutes then tried to run 30 feet through LAX . You were probably breathing pretty hard. Don't you know that the air in California is slightly poisonous ? " Yes , yes of course ! Damn my naive ways and dependence on clean Colorado air ! My body is more than adept at handling two poisons at once but not three ! My mind was reeling again , I couldn't believe that my dream girl had saved from the poisonous fumes emanating from the left coast.
oh hello dream girl
" Why was your finger in my mouth ? " I was curious , though no longer upset , but she had begun to move about the room . I didn't want her to leave. Had to keep her talking. " You need your rest my love , I was giving you a sedative. Your second actually." What a lovely woman. To take care of me so. " Both in the mouth right ? " She laughed a deep booming laugh that only a grossly overweight man could have produced.
" No" she replied as she wiped away a single teardrop from her cheek. " The first one was a suppository." Well , that's ok I guess. I was asleep , I didn't even feel it. " Well it was a different finger then right ? " This time there was no laughter. She merely looked over her shoulder and winked at me .
Oh shit. At this point I became aware of my situation in the bed. I was covered up head to toe.......almost. For some reason the bed sheet had been cut away around my belly and the exposed tummy tundra was covered in several small piles of white powder. " How strong are these sedatives ? " I asked , beginning to get nervous. She was rummaging around the shelves of the bookcase on the wall and didn't immediately reply. I couldn't see her hands and she still wasn't answering me. This could end badly I thought.
I was relieved when she turned around. She was holding some sort of glass dagger in one hand and a miniature garden gnome in the other. Oh thank god , she's only going to tear out my heart, capture my spirit in her gnome, and keep me prisoner for all eternity. Whew ! Dodged a bullet there. But she only placed the gnome and dagger duo on the bed and went back to her rummaging.
" It's actually a very selective medicine my dear , it will numb your body from the neck down so you can heal, but it will leave you full control of your face hole so we can still chat. Isn't that wonderful my love ? " Silently I prayed for death , but I knew it would not come. " Yes love , that rocks. " Why the hell did I say that I wonder ? This situation rocked about as much as sitting through a sphincter tatoo. It didn't matter .
This time when she turned around she was wearing some sort of apparatus on her face. It appeared to be a long glass tube that split in two and then ran up in to each one of her nostrils. She proceeded to work over my exposed Buddha belly in long snorting sweeps. Within minutes she had cleared most of the powder from my front porch.
damn son ...that's a quality porch
Despite my near total immobilization I cheered her on . I was in love all over again . " Go baby go ! " I screamed . What a woman. After the last pile was gone she ripped of the glass tube and hurled it into the fireplace. There was a good deal of powder left on my gut and she didn't miss a grain. I watched in pure amazement as she motor boated my beer gut. Laughing manically all the while. When I was finally clean she sat back in her throne of black smoke. Wait , throne of black smoke ? Where the fuck did that come from ?
I didn't have time to ponder this as she immediately launched herself into a three hour diatribe on the merits of socialized medicine. I tried to flee but my body wouldn't budge. She was talking so fast ! I thought it was over at one point but she was only catching her breath. She spent the next two hours trashing the SNL executives for not listening to her ideas. " Those bastard faggots, I had a ton of good ideas for skits but all they wanted to do was dress me up in a tiny Hogworts mini skirt and stare at my ass" I remember that episode. Bless you Saturday Night Live.
As the time wore on I began to feel as if I might actually survive this encounter. She was finally starting to wear down. I should have known better. She was a celebrity after all , and I should have guessed that the mountain of drugs I had already seen was not even close to her full stash.That realization came on the heels of the knife and gnome combo's reappearance. At least it would finally be over.
" Guess again my sweet." Did she just read my fucking mind ? Ohhhhhhh nooooo. " You aren't better yet my heart " so sweet , sooo sweet. "You need more rest , and I'm going to stay right here until you are better." Well that's relief I thought to myself. Please Death , some time today ?
She indulged my previous curiosity by holding the knife and gnome in front my face. Then she bit the head off the gnome with wild abandonment. I found that unnecessary considering that the gnome turned out to be not only ceramic , but a twist off as well. She poured the gnomes contents onto and around my belly button. That made sense to me , I've got an innie. She then tossed the ceramic gnome carcass into the fireplace with a bang. God I love this girl.
The contents of the gnome turned out to be a series of pea sized brownish pebbles. Which she began to stack into a neat pile on my stomach hole. Like a child engineer, so adorable. I soon found out what her plans for the knife were. She jammed the hilt ( a good 6 inch long polished herring bone) into her mouth and leaned over the pile. Holy crap ! The glass knife turned out to be nothing more than an elaborate crack pipe ! The deceased gnome ? A crack container ! I'm not gonna die !!!
Suddenly she reached under the bed and produced a large soldering torch. What the ? What the fuck ? "Lindsey ! Baby ! What are you doing ? I love you ! " She didn't even glance up at me . She turned the gas nob to full on . I could here the gas rushing out of the mouthpiece. She held her index finger up in front of the gas and it burst into flame. A 8 inch spike of fire.. She aimed the flame right at my stomach. As the pile of crack heated up it began to smoke , as did my flesh. She inhaled through the knife and sucked it all in. I watched in horror. Somehow she managed to turn one tword me keeping the other on the flame. Like some kind of crack smoking chameleon skank. I thought it would never end , and when I smelled my own burning flesh I passed out.
I awoke several months later strapped to a tree trunk that had blown over sideways. I was surrounded by darkish people dressed in long grey robes and filter masks. Argentina, oh my heavens , she sent me to the best doctors in the world. Thank you Lindsay Lohan. That was the best weekend of my life . I love you girl.
I really do.