In the dim and more innocent past, an STD was the prefix you dialed to get a different city. Now, STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease - any disease you get by fucking bareback.

Is this getting old yet?

Just The Facts

  1. It's gets pretty fucking gross in places.
  2. Kinda a major turnoff for most people - but not enough to stop them fucking.
  3. Some STDs can kill you. So can breathing.

What the Fuck?

So, sex not only sells, it kills and mutilates. This may be news to you, though probably not if you follow celebrity news or watch the public information broadcasts on late night TV. Of course, if you are watching late night TV, you run a minimal risk of contracting any STD.

Safe from all STDs - and human contact.

Collected here for your convenience are the commonest ones. Please note that Cracked authors are more usually medically experimented on than medically trained, so any and all advice given should be followed instantly, without question.


Herpes - the gift that keeps on giving

"We're not suggesting Alba has herpes." Oh, CRAP!

Genital herpes manifests itself, initially, as red bumps on your genitals, giving you a ridged dick, for that extra pleasure. Then the bumps start seeping blood, giving you something a leper would shudder at. But it doesn't just stop at the genitals, oral is out too. Nothing says "I love to party" like a big red herpes sore above your lips.

Play the pink oboe much?

How Do I Get It?

Easily. It spreads by contact (wink) with a near 90% transmission rate. Nearly 1 in 6 young Americans are currently infected - and most of them are as clueless about that as most other things. Basically, you are playing Russian Roulette every time you screw.

Look, if the T-X can get it, you are totally boned.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

You don't. Once it is there, it will randomly break out for the rest of your life. Try explaining that one on your wedding night. There are treatments to control the outbreaks, but nothing yet to kill the virus. A vaccine is on trial, but, if you are like the majority of our readers, you are SOL - it is for women only.

How Do I Avoid It?

Pray. Unless your partner has weeping, crusty sores and you are sober enough to notice, you are playing Russian Roulette once again. You can check for the presence of a Tramp Stamp, but that is not an infallible guide.

Crabs - You got that itchy feeling.

Um - thats not crabs. That is just disgusting.

"Hold on", you cry, "crabs are just pubic lice. Everyone knows that. Disgusting enough, but hardly fatal."

Let us introduce you to a concept .... the vector. Pubic lice feed on blood, and they are rather messy feeders. They puke a chunk of their last meal before starting to eat - straight into your bloodstream. Meaning anything the $5 whore you hit last night has - you now have. Including most of the rest of the diseases on this page.

How Do I Get It?

Duh - pubic hair to pubic hair contact. They are white, they can't jump. Or from a toilet seat - so your lameass excuse could be true for once.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

Shampoo your pubes and apply a lice killer. The one for headlice works, so no need to get embarrassed in the pharmacy. Just keep scratching your head and watch people give you plenty of space.

How Do I Avoid It?

Start with oral sex. You'll still catch everything else on the list, but should avoid crabs - they are easy enough to spot.

Thrush - the wimp of the STD world

Awww, sweet.

Oh come on - thrush is not an STD. Women can, and frequently do, get it spontaneously simply by drinking too much real ale. It is simply a yeast infection, after all, the common candida albicans gone wild.

So why put it on the list? Well -

Meet oral thrush. It can destroy you. And will.

Untreated oral thrush spreads to the stomach, liver and lungs. And destroys them. Killing you. When was the last time you looked inside your mouth?

How Do I Get It?

Poor hygiene and diet, usually. Women, as said, can get it spontaneously, or through sex with an infected partner, whether real or plastic. Men tend to only get it from sex with infected women, and only if they are uncircumcised. For how it spreads to your mouth - if you don't know you don't need to worry just yet.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

With genital thrush, for the ladies there are pills and creams, men just need soap and water. We just knew there had to be at least one advantage to external sex organs. Oral thrush is pretty easily killed by dialing back on the sweets for a week, brushing your teeth regularly and using mouthwash. Or just have two or three shots of whiskey after oral.

How Do I Avoid It?

Ladies - you don't, because you can't. This is one of those that you just have to put up with and guard against. Men - try washing your dick more than once a week.

Chlamydia: The Vanilla of STDs

Is she safe? You can't tell. Neither can she.

Yet another bacteria that likes warm, moist places, Chlamydia is a relatively new STD that infects 1 in 10 young women. With virtually no symptoms, apart from a short period of whitish discharge, possibly with mild "period pains" in women, a bit of discharge and the exact same feeling in your dick as a marathon sex session gives you in men. And it sterilises you, making it the public service STD to stop trailer trash breeding.

Except it can also make you go blind.

And no. We haven't a fucking clue how you get it in your eyes.

How Do I Get It?

As usual. Unprotected sex. Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

Antibiotics. If you reallise you need them before you are completely infertile, with balls the size of mason jars.

How Do I Avoid It?

We are back to Russian roulette again. Slightly better odds this time, as you are playing with a Smith and Wesson 617 rather than a Colt .45, but it is still pray. Or wrap it up.

Slightly better odds. Deerhunter theme in 3 ... 2 ... 1

Syphillis - madness in a single bacterium.

This may just explain the monologue.

Everyone knows syphillis. The one STD where for centuries the cure - mega doses of mercury - gave you exactly the same result as the disease. Total freaking insanity and early death. Sometimes called God's judgement as it can last for generations. Oh - and it rots off your nose for some wierd bacterial reason.

How Do I Get It?

Duh. Though it is very hard to catch. You'd have to fuck a carrier 6 times to have a 50:50 chance of getting it. Those are decent odds.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

You can do it the old school way, chowing down on mercury daily. The amount that you get in 2 cans of pacific salmon should be fine. Of course, you'll still wind up hopelessly insane, but you'll be able to fuck still. For the more modern - a course of antibiotics. These change, as syphilis develops immunity to each antibiotic, but it works.

How Do I Avoid It?

For someone with early stage syphilis, you are once more going by luck and by God. Later stages - just look closely at your prospective partner. Does their nose look a little tattered at the edges? Offer them a snort of the white - if they refuse, they have syph. Violently monologuing the table is always a sure sign to avoid them.

Gonorrhea - or Grandad as we like to call him

I never touched her!

Gonorrehea is caused by a bacteria called Neisseria gonorrhoeae that likes to reside in warm, moist places, like most sensible bacteria. Untreated it causes sterility, maybe death 1 in 10000 times. The oldest known STD, first mentioned by the Egyptians. Two and a half thousand years before Christ. Grandad indeed.

For women, all you'll suffer from at most are mild burning sensations and maybe a little bit of discharge. But usually you feel nothing at all, sort of like sex with the author, so you are totally fucked.

For men, your dick turns into a fucking flamethrower. Sounds great, hurts like fuck. Believe us, you know if you got it. Now man up and get dialling.

Artists impression.

How Do I Get It?

Sex. Unprotected sex. Gonorrhea was almost an extinct disease, but is making a comeback, thanks mainly to The Bachelorette and spring break.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

21 days of antibiotics, which means 21 days of sobriety. Of course, if you have it treated, your doctor or the clinic will call in every sex partner you have had in the last year for a test - so make sure you keep those phone numbers!

How Do I Avoid It?

If you are a woman (or a gay male - the G is quite happy in someones ass) try to watch your prospective sex partner having a piss. If he is leaping about and screaming - avoid. If you are a straight male - either pray or avoid the girl your mates banged last week.

HPV - Sexual cancer. Who knew?

The death of childhood. Dang.

Holy shit! An STD that gives you cancer? Ass cancer! Fuck that, monastery here we come. Best not be a Catholic one though ...

Human Papilloma Virus isn't just one virus. It is about 100 related viruses (yes we know the correct tenses, but virii looks fucking retarded) that dig in and start producing papillomas - over active growths that almost invariably turn cancerous within 20 years.

PAPILLOMA, not PALOMA, idiot. Pigeons up your ass is something altogether different.

How Do I Get It?

This section is really getting redundant. By fucking, of course.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

It is a pretty much symptomless virus. So tough shit. The only way to avoid it is to be vaccinated at the onset of puberty. The same vaccine that nearly got banned in the UK, following a newspaper campaign, for promoting underage sex. Yeah, we tolerate the Daily Mail - lunatics have their newspaper needs too. The vaccine only prevents cervical cancer. Not rectal cancer. So ladies are advised to avoid men with bad aim.

How Do I Avoid it Next Time?

The vast majority of our readers can breathe a huge sigh of relief - it doesn't affect men unless they do anal. Though thinking about drunken nights and frat parties, it might be as well to get vaccinated - just in case. Ladies - run, don't walk, to your nearest friendly doctor. The vaccine is less effective the further you are from puberty - but it still gives some protection.

Hepatitis C - Just not funny.

Take that, Tommy Lee!

The poor, forgotten and usually overlooked STD, Hepatitis C is rather nasty in a passive agressive sort of way. Unlike most STDs, it gets in and promtly leaves your junk alone. It instead chows down on your liver, giving you all the results of a long term alcoholic, without any of the pleasure.

We had to include this. It creeped us right the fuck out.

How Do I Get It?

Blood / blood contact. So really rough sex, the kind that everyone likes. Or getting a tattoo from a guy that doesn't clean his gun (hey - we should have used that one for thrush). Or a transfusion.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

TS baby. You don't. You got it - it got you. For life.

How Do I Avoid it Next Time?

Why bother? Once you got it - you got it. You can try a bit more foreplay, to make sure she is ready and won't tear. We assume you are not John Holmes.

HIV - the Nuke of the STD world

RIP, you magnificent bastard.

Sorry. We got no funny here. Cause it ain't. HIV is a nasty little virus that kills your immune system. It doesn't kill you - that privledge goes to the first cold you catch after your immune system shuts down. And by now every person on the planet knows someone who either has it - or has died from it. It is the Kevin Bacon of STDs

How Do I Get It?

Look. Just wrap your fucking dick - alright?

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

You don't.

How Do I Avoid it Next Time?

With difficulty. Or a condom.

Pregnancy - or what you actually have sex for.

How Do I Get It?

You really are rather stupid, aren't you.

Fuck That - How Do I Get Rid of It?

For the ladies:

For the men

or, if you absolutely must,

How Do I Avoid it Next Time?

As men can't be trusted to re wrap the bread, never mind wrap their dong.

The Solution to all the Above?

Well, you could stay a virgin in Mom's basement, but that is not hugely practical for most.

Or replace your dick with something less likely to get infected. Extra length is a bonus.

Or you could use one of these on your dick, instead of looking like a dick.