The Octopus is the most badass creature under the water, and it is the most filthy, exploited animal on land. (you know what we're talking about)

 It was only recently discovered that they were intelligent enough to predict the future.

There's no way you can compete with that.

Just The Facts

  1. The correct plural form of octopus is "octopata"
  2. They have a beak that can fucking chomp through your skull and slurp your brain smoothie out.
  3. They're the most featured animal in animated porn.
  4. We heard that somewhere, we wouldn't personally know that...

When They're In The Ocean

Octopata are the BAMFs of the ocean and they got the moves to prove it.


Every self-respecting octopus has an ink sac that is ready to shoot a cloud of ink at predators annoying tourist snorkelers. This creates a smokescreen effect that allows the octopus to get away. Unlike the fluid ejected from your sac, the octopus ink is a solution of highly concentrated melanin, the pigment responsible for natural human hair color.

Eight Sucker-Covered Appendages

Eight is THIS many

Congratulations! Octo means eight! That's why October is the tenth month Octopata are called so, because they have THAT many limbs! The suckers, called suction cups in polite company, on the eight tentacles help make the octopus an expert at wrapping itself around things and sucking them, like late night booty calls. Not to mention the tentacles taste DELICIOUS with rice and soy sauce.


When it comes to flexibility, the octopus has bested humanity once again. Lacking any bones, expect the aforementioned skull chomping beak, the octopus can out-contort humanity's best contortionists. This flexability helps them hide by stuffing themselves into narrow under-water coves. We at Cracked can relate to the experience of stuffing things into tight, little, wet caves.

Color Coordinating

Octopus is one of only two species in the world that can change color, that you can name off the top of your head. In fact, they make chameleons look like noobs when it comes to changing color. An Octopus can adapt color much faster and typically has a bigger selection of themes and colors to choose from than the chameleon. Think of it like the Octopus is animated by Disney Pixar, and the chameleon is animated by piece o' shit Technicolor animation studios.


It isn't enough that their beak is strong enough to bore a hole through your skull. Thankfully, the only thing they bore through are unlucky mollusks, and sometimes very lucky Japanese girls. But some species of octopus are poisonous enough to kill a full-grown man many times over. Just like when you get sniped in Halo and re-spawn next to someone with a gun already pointed at your face. Imagine that happening up to 26 times in a row. That's what we assume dying by the Blue-Ringed Octopus would be like. Tip: Avoid the red blue rings of death.

When They're Not In The Ocean

SPOILER: Depressing Sentence following this warning.

Octopata can usually be seen in emo kids' notebooks they draw in when they aren't cutting themselves.

On a lighter note, the Octopus was the Original Gangster that set the standard for Tentacle Erotica. Nowadays, tentacles can belong to squids, aliens, robots, etc.

The father of the modern Tentacle Rape genre was Toshio Maeda who wanted to exploit a loophole in the Japanese law. This law strictly forbade depiction of vaginal penetration by a penis, but did not explicitly forbid any other type of penetration. Way to think out of the box Toshio, and by box we mean species. Although he certainly wasn't the first....

However, the real invention of tentacle erotica is credited to Katsushika Hokusai. The man famous for this:

also gave the world this: