Last week I managed to wing-dangle an interview with a porn-star by pretending to be a reporter from Time Magazine and writing a piece for their 'Porn-star of The Year' edition (There's a reason she works in this industry)
In an effort to make her more at ease when she arrived I decided to wear something she was used to seeing on extremely handsome gentlemen such as myself. It took me about two hours to choose between plumber or pool-boy. In the end my love of speedos and tank tops won out- pool boy it was.
What is up? My cock obviously
Then to set the mood I dimmed the lights of the motel room I had rented and started playing some cheesy 80's music, music which I believed made them want sexy men like myself even more....
As I waited for her arrival I sat back and brushed the fake moustache I had rented for the interview. I was ready to wow her
Standard issue to all Time magazine reporters
Half an hour and one well groomed fake moustache later there was a knock on my door.
"Come een. Eet ees open" I called out in my best pool-boy accent.
The door swung open and there stood a woman in a fashionable pant suit and less than hookerish make-up
"what the hell" I thought to myself "Where's the sexy bikini, stripper heels and pouting lips"
She took a step back as I was in fact standing and screaming my thoughts at her. She stepped towards me, a bottle of mace in one hand
"What the hell is going on here. Is this the interview for Time? Cos if it isn't then I am leaving cos it looks like some sort of porn movie is being played out here"
After a brief explanation she explained that she was uncomfortable with my mood setting and asked that I make this into something a little more normal
With a tear in my eye I put on a robe over my outfit and switched off the hidden camera above the bed
After we got over the initial confusion and she checked my credentials a sheet of paper that stated I was in fact a Time reporter and anyone that doesn't believe it should suck my awesome dick. Unfortunately she didn't take the hint.
As we settled down opposite each other, her chewing gum so teasingly and me making kissy faces at her I started the interview
Me: So, Alotta Vagina, how long have you been in the business?
Alotta: Please don't call me that. My name is Tracy We......
Me: Hush now Alotta, I'm asking another question. How many dicks would you say you've sucked over your illustrious career. I imagine there has been a-lotta cocks, I think?
I laughed uproariously at my own very, clever joke but Alotta was not impressed
Alotta: Hey asshole! Stop calling me by that name and lets get back to being get serious in this interview
I wondered how she had thought this had ever been a serious interview as I had never had a pen or paper and was actively rubbing my crotch and making mewing sounds as she spoke
Me: Alotta, Alotta, Alotta, please calm down. You're causing me a-lotta hassle here *mew*
I started laughing again at my own joke. She just stared sullenly at me
Me: Are you PMSing *mew* Would you like me to go down to the shop and get you some bandages? I know how bad the bleeding can get down there. I could grab some febreeze as well, I'm no doctor but I imagine it would clear up that disgusting mess down there *mew*
Febreze: Solving all women's monthly problems
In response she smashed her hand bag into my face. I concluded that she was indeed PMSing and quickly shooed my badger photographer out of the room, there was no way I was going to have another pornstar mauled by that fucker
By this point the interview was clearly over. She had ruined the mood I had set and refused to answer ay of my questions and was now leaving. Luckily I had one last ace in the hole. With all the speed of a woundded three toed sloth I dashed over to my dresser and drew it out.
"Hey Alotta, Alotta Vagina" I shouted out while simultaneously thinking that if she turns to look back then she's interested in me
She spun round when she heard the garbled cry of a madman, I had taken several horse tranquilizers before she arrived in the hope of having the most awesome sex of my life and my speech was effected but for this next part no words were needed
I tossed the item to her and she instinctively reached out to grab it, her fingers grabbing it like she would soon be grabbing my dick.
She looked down in mock horror at what she was holding, what a funny gal. She dropped the ten dollar bill and condom I had used for all my sexual conquests since high-school ( two for all you discerning gentlemen out there) and ran screaming from the room
I ran after her for a few seconds but gave up and tried the same trick on the prostitute that was skulking around outside my motel room all day and had the third best sex of my life