Ambien

Ambien is the most popular trade name for the popular sleep and alleged amnesia inducing drug zolpidem tartrate.

Results may vary. This has never actually happened...we just wish it would.

Just The Facts

  1. Ambien/zolpidem is used to treat insomnia and/or fuck you up if you're retarded enough to take it incorrectly.
  2. I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I was sleep-driving and I ended up in a lake.
  3. Speaking of which, why am I wet and where is my Pontiac?
  4. Ambien is used by some people to get high. These people are to be referred to as "Ambholes."
  5. People misuse Ambien so much that there is a website called ambienoverdose.org. Damn.

Nomenclature

When translated to Spanglish, Ambien means "Am Good." Ambien is only the most popular trade name of this drug. The drug literally has an entire four foot long list of trade names. You probably have only heard anyone ever say or prescribe zolpidem, Ambien, or Ambien CR. If someone gives you one of the other trade names, it may be because you told them you didn't want to take Ambien.

"So you don't want Ambien, huh? How about Adormix? Yeah let's try that."

Intended Use and Side Effects

Zolpidem is intended solely to make you sleep. It commonly takes anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour to punch-a-size you into an eight hour coma, but can take longer if someone becomes tolerant. It is certainly proven at this, however it does have a number of unintended side effects for some people. These side effects include amnesia, explosive diarrhea, decreased libido, spine loss, ataxia (decreased motor skills), messy pants, hallucinations, doo doo smells worse, and abnormal thoughts. Half of these are real, and half came from TV shows. Admit it...if the links weren't there, you wouldn't be able to tell which is which because they all suck.

One of the major side effects is amnesia. This includes regular amnesia (forgetting old memories), anterograde amnesia (losing the ability to create new memories), and short term memory loss. It also has been reported to cause hallucinations, delusions, and euphoria and/or dysphoria in some cases. It can also reportedly alter thoughts, make you clumsy, impair judgement, cause headaches, make you eat more and shrivel your wang. In other words, you can sleep, but you may become a forgetful oaf who sees elfs that secretly trip you and then force feed you food. Also, that last thing will (probably) never happen.

The most hilarious reported side effects relate to sleepwalking. People have been reported to sleepwalk to crazy places, sleep-eat, sleep-hump, and even sleep-drive. In other words, if you are a sleepwalker, do not take zolpidem without a good lawyer.

Other Effects

Like any drug, there are also a few other effects. You can become tolerant, dependent, and/or can have withdrawls. Like every other substance ever, you can also overdose on it if you take enough. Naturally, if you suffer from either tolerance or dependence you are likely to have withdrawal if you suddenly stop taking it. Also, this can lead to outstandingly messed up dreams, increased delirium, or even seizures. Doctors recommend that if you have been taking it for a while and want to stop, you should ween yourself off of it gradually for a few months. Wait, FUCKING MONTHS?

"Yes, months. Have fun with your withdrawals, A-hole."

Recreational Use

Some people are too big of chicken shits to do highly illegal recreational drugs. Thus, many of them find drugs that they can get a prescription for, and then take them in ways they should not in order to get high. As seen in the movie Role Models, if you take Ambien and then fight sleep long enough, you may trip total balls. You will probably start seeing things, like hallucinations of eyeballs flowing from your nutsack.

User Claims

Some of the claims that people say they did are ridiculous, primarily because you can tell most of them are lying. You can tell this because most of them say they remember doing it. It would be highly unlikely to remember these events, and someone would likely only do so if someone else told them what they did. Thus, if your husband or wife tells you about something you did, trust them...unless they're a jerk.

"It's OK honey, I know you didn't mean to have sex with the mailman in the street. (*snicker*)"

Here are just a few claims that could easily be found on the internet:

You may be prone to watching porn but not remembering it.

You may think that you've been abducted by aliens.

You may take night time dumps that are not in the toilet.

You may fall while walking to the bathroom (personally experienced this one).

You may experience sleep masturbation or try to get it on with people or objects.

You may steal a tank and drive it to the moon to destroy Hitler's secret base.

Ok, some people may take it to a ridiculous extreme. However, it is recommendable to Google search "Ambien stories" and read some of the stuff. It truly has many different effects on people.

Disclaimer

This article is not intended in any way as medical advice. It is not intended to either promote or smite Ambien, zolpidem, or any other brand names of zolpidem. It is mainly intended to bring to light all of the funny shit that those on the drug do. So please...PLEASE don't sue.