Five Manliest Game Characters Of All Time

Wide open for debate as this list might be, I do think this is gonna be kinda close to what everyone may think. Selection was difficult as each of them have plus and minus factors about them, on to it.

Just The Facts

  1. No amount of manliness in games ever counts as excessive.
  2. Manliness may also depend on how manly/scantily clad your archnemesis is.
  3. Manliness may just amount nothing more than dress sense with common sense, as seen in the case of Lars Alexandersson of Tekken fame. Manly with style.

The "Nearly" Category

For some to make it, it only makes sense that others didn't make it despite their consideration. This is a small paragraph dedicated to those who I thought about including in the Big Five... Until realizing that the M134 or the Blade.

Almosts include the likes of:

  • Sagat of Street Fighter: for the sole reason that he lost to Dan Hibiki... Kayfabe intentionally or not.
  • Dante of Devil May Cry: half demon you say? That one, sloppy Trish moment from the original DMC robbed you, son.
  • Prince Dastan of Prince of Persia: Damn close, only just missed out on the final cut.
  • Illidan of Warcraft: potentially manly... But not quite a man. Purple too. Eish.
  • Duke Nukem: women, women and women? Aces! Defeating an entire alien race alone? Hardcore. Being unable to kick open a simple wooden door? Horrible. Gat* even.
  • Leo of Tekken: just kidding. Really had me thinking it was a guy. Polar opposite of KOF's Ash Crimson. Do me a favour and click that link, just to give you and idea of who it is.

Rock? KOF?

Leo: Man or woMAN, you decide.

*refer to the appendix of my Misconceptions about South Africa(ns) article for some foreign vocabulary boosting "foreign talk".

#5: The Punisher - The Original Boogeyman. (The Punisher)

This guy is the stuff of all villains' and wrongdoers' worst nightmares. Sure, he's human like the rest of us... But he's mad strong, damn intelligent and Hellbent on making sure you either get locked up, put in a cast or six or put into a body bag... Or even locked up in six casts while trapped in a bodybag. Or something like that. Let's look at an example here:

My mechanical friend is hungry...

Interrogation 101: If they don't talk, make them dinner. For something else.

This man truly has nothing left to lose; his wife and son were taken away, he's unemployed... And he has a f... lot of guns. All the reason in the world to go all batshit on anybody that so much as looks at him the wrong way WITHOUT breaking a sweat. Own a corporate empire parking lot? He'll burn it all down in the shape of a skull just to prove how hardcore he really is. Don't mess with this man.

MANLINESS PROS:

  • Nothing left to lose, i.e. He can and WILL fight until one of the two of (likely) you experience the bitter end.
  • That black and white skull symbol says everything he stands for. Just like that. Either you're right or wrong, death and despair to the transgressing parties.
  • You've gotta have an iron stomach to feed someone into a wood chipper. He clearly does. Hurrah.

MANLINESS CONS:

#4: Tyson Rios / Elliot Salem - Mercenary/ies. (Army of Two)

The fourth position is a shared one, solely because they're so very similar, one may think they're actually a very bad case of schizophrenia, manifesting itself as another gun-toting maniac.

Salem on left... Rios on right... Obviously.

The dominant personality? You decide.

These two racked up their manly points by having every conceivable type of gun and ammo to blow seven shades of s... outta the opposition, no questions asked, no answers required. From the winky S-System, to the almighty team-killing M134... They had them all. And almost all of them were customisable! Gran Turismo met Counter Strike and had a schizophrenic third person baby! Oh yes.

MANLINESS PROS:

  • Gold, guns, girls.
  • Combined Power Level? Over 9000 for sure.
  • Two of them take down thousands of other thems? Aces!

MANLINESS CONS:

  • Bromance heavy.
  • Obsession with one deranged Philip Clyde.
  • Not enough "Back to Back", blaze of glory moments.

#3: Kratos - God of War. (God of War)

Another man that lost his family... And his tan. Albeit by his own hands. I smell trickery of the foulest, divine kind. Well, it only served to piss Kratos off even worse; Ares really should've folded and apologized and all that cowardly crap a long time ago. Instead, he stuck by it and must be wishing he went to that Jimmy Buffett concert instead.

Hopscotch, the Spartan way.

Deity-genocidal goodness.

The reasons most people enjoyed this game? Copious amounts of violence, moderate but blatant nudity and sheer grittiness and toughness about the entire experience that the game offered... Unfortunately with added puzzles to play down some of the above mentioned ACTION. Like this:

Anyhoo, beyond the ACTION, ACTION and ACTION, the game actually delivered a storyline that complimented this kind of ruffian as a lead character damn well. Tragic past? Out for revenge, no matter what it takes? Kratos is your man. If you're thinking "hey, wait... this sounds a lot like the Punisher", well you're right. Only this is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, and Punisher never had no Herpes Hermes or Hades to deal with.

Bioslim gone wrong...

Now was that perfectly necessary, Hades? You should've kept that damned mask on.

MANLINESS PROS:

  • Blades of Chaos.
  • Probably got it on with Athena after all.
  • Tattoos and epic facepaint design.

MANLINESS CONS:

  • Skirt... Okay, loincloth-thingy.
  • Sandals.
  • Lack of catchphrases and comebacks.

#2: Kazuya Mishima - Resident Badass. (Tekken)

Getting thrown from a cliff as a child is an important father/son bonding activity, practised by most power-hungry madmen willing to test their children to the point where it backfires into all out family feud. One billion Dollar prize money? Not enough. Almost "saving" the world, still, not enough. Sigh...

You go first.

It's okay, really. We don't have to argue.

This guy deserves a week-long spot on Oprah, I mean seriously. His father threw him off a cliff, his grandfather was Hellbent on killing anyone stupid enough to stand in his way, his son was an absolutely useless deadbeat until recently inheriting a fortune in virtual money and arms his love interest, Jun, was likely killed by Ogre... And he's part Devil? Damn. What's that? You want evidence on Jin being a loser? He was fired from a fast food joint for trying to plot a company coup!

Told you so.

See what I mean?

My heart goes out to this guy for killing his exorcist-fodder grandfather, beating his useless, fatherly figure and game character-wise father on a regular basis and for trying to do something about that loser Jin's pathetic ways... And not shedding a tear, nor an ounce of remorse. Hurrah.

MANLINESS PROS:

  • You wish you were built like that.
  • Half Devil? Awesome!
  • Jun was kind of hot if you're into the Asian persuasion thing.
  • Being synonymous with the right side of the term "ass-kicking".

MANLINESS CONS:

  • Really overcomplicated life. Reminds me of Californication sometimes.
  • Drawing to that Paul Phoenix guy. Are you serious?
  • Purple tuxedo? Let's get real.

#1: Nathan Drake - Surprise Winner and Indiana Homage. (Uncharted)

How does this guy beat all of those above? Simple. He's ordinary, like you an I, but with more guts than the pig vat in SAW 3. For those of you who'd like a reminder, here it is. Good luck with that. If you've never seen it, trust me, you'd rather not.

That's right, bitches...

Lara's nowhere near this cool.

This guy has had to deal with some of the toughest(and weirdest) things around. I'm surprised Bizarro from Superman hasn't attacked this guy yet, damn. Again, if you're unsure... I'll enlighten you.

No comment...

See what I mean? A submarine stranded on the middle tier of a cascading waterfall. WTF?

I'd have turned around and gone home after that abnormality, honestly. What in Hell was that about? Adding to the mixture, people your pal owes or owed money to, South American temples and idols... Superhuman-ish creatures... All in a day's work for this chap.

At least he got away with some of the pirate's loot. I think. I won't say much about the second game for fear of ruining the plot. Then again, I only found out that there was a first Uncharted game by hearing that there was a second one. Weird hey? Ah well. Time to end off.

MANLINESS PROS:

  • All that happening and the lad still has time for jokes and hair gel. What a guy.
  • Indian Jones and Army of Two, only with one main character.
  • Didn't need a stereotypical tragic past or sordid friendship to get here.

MANLINESS CONS:

  • I am not Nathan Drake. Goddammit!
  • The pretty-boy effect.
  • I know it's petty, but ridiculously slow running and swimming. Dammit.